Page 126 of Divine Temptations
I shook my head too quickly, muttering, “No.” My voice cracked, so I cleared my throat and perched on the very edge of his couch, stiff as a statue. The cushions dipped under my weight, and I held myself like I might shatter the moment I leaned back. Noah sat beside me, close enough that I felt the heat radiating from him. “Breathe,” he said gently. “Calm down. Everything’s going to be okay.”
I tried to believe him, but the words only made the pressure in my chest worse.
His eyes searched mine, earnest and worried. “I thought… you didn’t want to see me again. After you left my bed in the middle of the night, and then you didn’t show up for class this morning—I thought I’d scared you off for good.” He shook his head, brow furrowed. “Henry, just—please. Tell me everything.”
I sat there, hands knotted in my lap, staring down at the carpet as if it could swallow me whole. The words clung to mythroat like barbed wire. “I went to church this afternoon,” I said finally, my voice hoarse. “I don’t even know why. Some part of me thought maybe I could… I don’t know… find peace there. Like muscle memory dragging me back.”
I closed my eyes, and the musty smell of incense filled my mind again, the dim light slanting across the altar. “I slipped into a pew and it was like sitting in a stranger’s house. I didn’t belong there anymore. But an old priest came up to me and I asked if I could make a confession. Thought maybe it would help. Maybe if I said it out loud, if I emptied all the rot out of me, I’d feel clean.”
My fists tightened against my knees. “I told him everything. About the seminary. About the years I spent trying to bend myself into the shape of a priest. How I walked away right before the final vows because the weight of my doubts was crushing me. I told him I couldn’t stop questioning, couldn’t stop feeling like the whole foundation was cracked. And I told him…” My throat closed. I forced the words out anyway. “I told him about men. That I’ve always wanted them. That I’ve prayed night after night for it to be taken away, and it never was. And—” I turned to Noah, my face burning, my shame bleeding into the air between us. “I told him that last night, for the first time in my life, I acted on it. That I had sex with a man.”
The confession hung there, heavy and raw. My chest tightened until it hurt to breathe.
“The priest listened,” I went on, though my voice shook now, almost a whisper. “And he said it was normal. That it was normal to feel that way.” A hollow laugh slipped from me. “Normal. But then he told me the truth the way the church sees it. That acting on my desires was a sin. That it was wrong outside of the sacrament of marriage.” I snapped my head up at Noah, anger sparking through the tears in my eyes. “Marriage. As if men like us are even allowed that in the catholic church. As if thechurch hasn’t spent centuries barring the doors, locking us out, damning us with their rules.”
“Jesus, Henry, I’m so sorry.” Noah breathed.
“It was cruel.” I continued. “The church holds out hope in one hand, and rips it away with the other. He told me to carry this hunger like a cross. To deny myself, forever, because that’s what God demands.”
My voice broke, and the fury crumbled into something smaller, something helpless. “I couldn’t bear it. I walked out of that confessional shaking. No, not walked—I bolted. And when I hit the steps outside, I fucking spit on them. I spit on holy ground.” My fingers dug into the couch cushion. “That’s when I knew I couldn’t go back. That everything I’d built my life on was gone. And I hated myself for feeling so damned relieved.”
I dragged both hands through my hair, tugging hard, my breath ragged. “So I went searching for you. Because after all that, all I could think about was you. I don’t even know what that means, but God help me, Noah—I wanted to be here. With you.”
Noah’s hand slid into mine, warm and steady, and I felt the rough pad of his thumb brush against my knuckles. “I have something I need to confess too,” he said, his eyes locked on mine.
I lifted my free hand to swipe at the dampness on my face. My tears embarrassed me, but Noah only squeezed my hand harder, like he was grounding me.
“Henry,” he said softly, his voice catching in that way that made my pulse throb in my throat, “I’m so damn proud of you. Learning who you really are—it isn’t easy. Letting go of the beliefs that have cut you down your whole life? That’s one of the hardest journeys a man can ever take. But you’re walking it. You’re surviving it. And you’re stronger than you realize.”
His words pierced me deeper than religion ever had, reaching that raw, hollow place in my chest that had been starved of comfort.
Noah inhaled, then let out a shaky laugh. “And the truth is, all I can think about is you. I’ve never had feelings like this before. I was fine being on my own—sometimes lonely, sure, but fine. Until you. You’re not just handsome, Henry. You’re strong. You’re brave. You’re…” He faltered, his grip tightening on my hand. “I don’t even know if I’m saying this right, but—would you ever consider… us? Being something more?”
He rushed ahead before I could even breathe. “I don’t want to pressure you. I know you’re going through so much, and I’ll wait, I swear I’ll wait, but—”
I couldn’t let him finish. His words, so raw and full of yearning, shattered the last of my restraint. I leaned forward and kissed him, hard and hungry, pouring into him everything I’d been choking down for years—my fear, my longing, my desperate need to be wanted, to be seen.
His lips parted beneath mine, and I lost myself in the taste of him, in the heat of his breath, in the way his fingers clutched at me like he’d never let go. The kiss deepened, and for the first time in my life, I didn’t feel like I was sinning. I felt like I was finally alive.
When I pulled back, my forehead rested against his, both of us breathing hard. My voice was ragged, torn straight from my chest.
“Yes,” I whispered, then firmer, with a conviction I hadn’t known I possessed. “Yes, Noah. I can’t think of anything I’d love more.”
Epilogue
Noah- Three Years Later
Song of Songs 8:6-7 – Set me as a seal upon your heart, as a seal upon your arm; for love is strong as death, jealousy is fierce as the grave. Many waters cannot quench love; rivers cannot wash it away.
The sunlight slanted through the lace-curtained windows of my childhood bedroom, painting everything gold—my dresser, the shelves of childhood trophies, the worn rug that had seen every scraped knee and heartbreak of my youth. And yet, somehow, it all felt brand new today. Today, Henry and I were getting married in the very house I’d grown up in, and for the first time, every corner seemed to hold a promise rather than a memory.
My sister Hannah was bustling around us, her energy impossible to resist. She stood in front of Henry, carefully adjusting his crisp white shirt and straightening his tie. “Honestly, Henry,” she said, tugging gently at the knot, “Ican’t believe you’re marrying my baby brother. You look… ridiculously good in this. Ridiculously.”
Henry’s face was a little pink under the collar, his nerves evident even through the calm he tried to project. “I just—” he started, his voice catching, “I just can’t believe I’m standing here with him.”
“You mean me?” I teased, looping my arm around his shoulder. His head tilted toward mine, and my heart stuttered like it had a pulse all its own.
Hannah smirked. “Both of you. But seriously, Henry, I know no one from your family would come, but you’ve become one of us. Our family would be lost without you. And look at you—you fit right in. I swear, if Dad saw you now, he’d be crying in the corner. Which he might do later anyway, so be ready.”
