Page 25 of Second Dance
“Actually, no,” Peter said, fear in his eyes. He might outweigh his little sister by thirty pounds of muscle but he was afraid of Bella. “She seems really nice. Maybe a little shy and quiet. Very pretty too.”
“Oh my God. No, she isn’t,” Bella said. “She’s like one of those waif types Mom always made fun of.”
“Your mother was never unkind,” I said. “She just joked about how she would never be willowy herself.”
My late wife had been athletic and muscular but never what one would describe as delicate. Both the children took after her, naturally physically gifted.
“I don’t care,” Bella said. “You cannot date her. Especially not Grace’s mom. We have to like see her at school every day. It’s mortifying.”
“Bella, it’s not that big of a deal,” Peter said. “Dad likes her. You don’t get to decide everything about this family.”
Bella’s eyes filled with tears. She made angry swipes at her face, as they spilled down her cheeks. “I’m the only one who cares about this family. About Mom. She wouldn’t want you to bring anyone else into this house. Think about that.”
I drew in a deep breath, letting it out slowly, counting to ten. “Bella, your mom told me she wanted me to move on—to find someone to share my life with.”
“She did not.” Bella glared at me, eyes still leaking tears. “She would never say that.”
“She did. Just as I would have—had it been me who was sick,” I said.
“I wish it had been, and I wish you were the one who was dead,” Bella shouted, then ran from the kitchen.
For a moment, I just stood there, stunned, the ache in my chest so fierce it might as well have been a heart attack.
Peter put his hand on my shoulder. “Dad, she didn’t mean it. She’s just freaked out.”
“I know,” I said.
But she’d hit a nerve. She’d zeroed in on the very thing I often thought of. It should have been me, not Mattie.
Peter gave my shoulder another squeeze before pulling his hand away. “She’ll calm down, Dad. Just … give her time. You know Bella. She feels things so deeply.”
I nodded, unable to find words.
“I’ll try and talk to her tomorrow,” Peter said quietly. “When she’s not so upset.” He grabbed his plate of lasagna. “Try not to take it too hard, okay?”
I managed a smile for him, though my chest still ached. “Thanks, bud. Bring that plate down before you go to bed.”
“I will. ‘Night, Dad.”
When his footsteps faded up the stairs and the house settled into silence, I let the mask drop. My hands gripped the edge of the counter, knuckles white. Bella’s words echoed again, brutal and unrelenting. I wish it had been you.
I knew she didn’t mean it — not really. She was lashing out, terrified, still clinging to her mother like a life raft. But the sting burrowed deep, because hadn’t I thought the same thing? A hundred times? A thousand? That Mattie would have been the better one to stay, the steadier parent, the softer presence.
Guilt coiled tight beneath my ribs. Was she right? Should I remain loyal to her mother and live the rest of my life alone? I’d thought Bella might bristle at the idea of me dating, but her reaction had been so fierce. So full of rage. I wasn’t equipped for this. I had no idea how to help her—or myself.
I took a sip of wine. What would Mattie do? I almost smiled, hearing her voice in my head. That was inexcusable. You should ground her from soccer for a whole week.
But I can’t, Mattie. I can’t do things as if you were still here because you’re not, and the kids still need you.
She answered me back.
You’re enough. You’ve always been enough. Shake this off. Right now. You deserve love.
The wine in my glass soured on my tongue. I set it down, hands trembling. What if Bella never grew accustomed to the idea of another woman in my life? What if this thing with Gillian drove a wedge I couldn’t mend? Because the truth was—seeing Gillian tonight had brought back so many memories ofmy time with her. We’d always clicked. Made each other laugh. But also, we’d been able to talk about anything and seemed to always understand each other without even trying. I’d never felt so keenly seen as I had with Gillian. Not even with Mattie. One evening with her and I remembered exactly why I’d been madly in love with her. I wasn’t ready to let her go another time. Not even for Bella.
Later that night, despite everything with Bella, I texted Gillian.
Alex
