Page 9 of Cedar Edge
The next time I wake up it's from the low sound of a country song playing in the distance. It pulls and tugs at me until I’m alert and aware enough to blink my eyes open. My vision lands on a high, wood ceiling, the raw panels no doubt creating that pine scent that floats through the air. Scanning the room I find myself in front of a crackling fireplace in a dimly lit living room. The space looks warm and cozy. Outside I can hear the wind and rain thrashing against the roof. My mind whirls trying to catch up to my current reality, given the last thing I remember. . .
Fuck what is the last thing I remember?
Walking through the woods, the text messages, taking the pills. . . . My mouth feels like cotton as I force myself to sit up slowly. My stomach muscles feel oddly sore as if I’ve done a million crunches or. . .
“Careful, don’t go too fast.” The voice is one I know well. A voice I haven’t heard in far too long. My eyes squeeze shut against the sound as heavy footsteps come around the side of the couch. When I know they are standing in front of me I force myself to open my eyes once more.
I stare at the brown boots with jeans tucked halfway in, before allowing my eyes to scale up his sculpted thighs, and towards his black shirt that allows a view of the colorful ink decorating his arms. “Logan.” I breathe out as I finally force myself to meet his sparkling green eyes. If I had thought he was handsome 3 years ago it was nothing compared to how he looksnow. I try to catalogue everything all at once, my gaze skates over his face landing on the cursive above his left eyebrow before tracing down and landing on the silver ring that is pierced at the center of his lip.
He smiles wickedly, that same mischievous glint in his eyes that I saw the very first day I met him. Things with Logan had always been easy, he was the light in our group. And the relief of seeing him is overwhelming, easily clouding the memories of our past. I can already feel myself wanting to melt into his arms.
“Hey ya Tink.” A choked sob rips from me the moment my nickname comes from his mouth. The dam breaking wide open as the box that once kept the emotions safely tucked away is now cracked apart, spilling the contents out for all to see. His arms come around me, warm and supportive, as he drags me up from the couch to cradle me against his chest. My breath feels choppy as though it can’t seem to get through to my lungs fully. The out of control feeling I’ve come to hate crawling up my throat, slowly choking me. It offers no mercy. The sobs against his chest turning into gasping sounds, desperate to drag in any air that I can.
“Look at me Thea.” His voice is a command cutting through it all. “Look at me and follow my breath, you got it?” He places my hand on his chest, the feel of his heart beating steadily the only thing grounding me. His emerald eyes flicker with concern as I focus on mirroring my heart with his. Slowly the panic recedes and the gasping stops, air finally flowing through my lungs. “Good girl.”
His praise sends shivers down my spine, and I try to ignore the disappointment I feel when he gently sets me back down on the couch. Wanting Logan to touch me is something I should never entertain, yet the absence of his body against mine feels like torture.
He gestures towards the table pulling out a chair for me before hurriedly scooping up some food, chili by the scent of it. I watch as he layers a healthy amount of cheese and a drop of sour cream on the top before snagging two slices of cornbread that he puts next to the bowl on a plate.
Following him I ease myself into the chair. My mouth waters even as I hesitate to touch it, uninvited thoughts of how many miles I need to run to burn this off track through my brain, Royce’s words following quickly behind.
“Why are you acting like you need food?”
“Please….” I sob, hating the sound of my voice. “Please just a snack.”
The slap echoes across the room followed by the sting of my cheek. “You should have thought about that before!” His hand raised to slap me again….
There's a reason I had avoided mirrors to the best of my ability on this journey. Even if the bathroom on the bus was covered in graffiti I didn't want to risk looking in that distorted piece of glass. I know what I look like. I'm simply a ghost possessing this body. Royce made sure of that.
“Tink.” The command in his voice, in the single word, has me snapping my eyes to his forcing Royce’s words away and all the negative self-talk that comes with it. “You eat what you want, when you want, and however much you want. You got it?”
I nod slowly, biting my lip again before picking up the spoon and scooping some in my mouth. I let out a long moan as the flavors burst across my tongue. Scoop after scoop I hastily consume the dinner in front of me until all that’s left is crumbles and my stomach feels so full that for a moment I think I might burst, yet all I want is to lick the bowl clean.
Logan clears his throat and my eyes jerk to him realizing just how engrossed in the food I’ve been. “Sorry.” I whisper quietly, suddenly embarrassed by how hungry I was.
“Where have you been, Thea? You just vanished.” He says with quiet authority.
I want to remind him that they vanished first and I hadn’t left by choice but I swallow the words back. If they didn’t want to speak to me before, when I truly needed it, they do not need my explanation now.
I sit up straighter, forcing my face to go cold and impassive. “I’m sorry to show up like this. I need some help and then I’ll be gone. You can get on with your life” I’m honestly proud of how confident I sound. How easy it is to pretend like I’m fine.
He narrows his eyes. “Nah that's not how this is gonna work.”
I bristle as my hands clench to fists, again the words bubble up in me and again I force them back down. “Look, I know this is out of left field…”
Logan snorts, the sound cutting off my words. He looks at me with a tempest of emotions “You were barely conscious, basically dead, on the side of the road half your body was in the goddamn lane. And, to top it all off you were high as fuck.” He says in a low growl. “Jesus Christ Thea, do you know what that looks like?”
Shame coats my body and I can feel my cheeks heat. This was a mistake, I never should have come here.
“You know what, never mind. I will be out of your hair in the morning.” My voice is soft, hesitant. If I had any self-respect left I would hate how broken I sound. But my self respect went out the door the second Roger threw me to Royce.
“You aren’t going anywhere.” His tone is so different from the playful boy who used to visit the willow tree with me, and it reminds me how much we’ve all changed. We don’t know each other any longer and that thought sends a tinge of fear skittering up and down my spine.
“You can’t keep me here against my will.” I counter, pushing back the tears threatening to fall from my eyes. The feeling of being trapped pressing in around me. “You have to let me go… please.” Suddenly, Logan is moving, invading my space as he cups my face with both hands. “You listen to me Tink, and listen good. You aren’t leaving here. Not now. Not ever.”
The air in my lungs is squeezed painfully while confusion swirls through me. His words and my reality clash against one another in my mind. I try to focus on his heartbeat against my body, try to keep myself grounded without my usual tools.
“Law and I made far too many mistakes that we aren't willing to make again.” His words are all the things I had wanted to hear when I begged them to help me and I desperately wanted to let them sweep me away.
