Page 83 of Worth the Scandal
He waits a beat, then asks, “And what about Scarlett?”
My throat tightens at the sound of her name. It always does. “She’s killing it in Sydney. New office. New clients. She deserves that. All of it, I would’ve just got in the way you know?”
“And?”
I stare at the ceiling like it’s going to give me an answer. “And I’m still here.”
“And what would happen if you weren’t?” he asks.
“If I left?” That’s not the question I thought he was going to ask.
He nods.
“I’d miss a few games. The team would adjust. Ted might yell. Sponsors might grumble. Ted would fucking kill me actually, but if it’s for his daughter probably not.”
“And?”
“And maybe I’d stop sitting in this office every week trying to figure out why I keep letting the best thing in my life walk away, like I don’t deserve to be happy, you know?”
There it is.
Dr. Lawson doesn’t smile, but his voice softens. “There it is.”
I exhale, running my hands over my knees.
“And?” he presses. “Why do you keep letting her walk away, Asher?”
I sit back. The truth’s been rotting under the surface for too long, and now that it’s out, it burns on the way up.
“Because I thought I didn’t deserve her.”
His pen pauses mid scribble. “Because of the accident.”
I nod.
“I thought I killed her. Caleb’s girl. I thought I was drunk or on drugs. Irresponsible. I thought I got behind the wheel and destroyed two families and.” My voice cracks now. “Ben doesn’t get any of this you know, he’s gone. He doesn’t get to grow old and have someone. He was the better brother. He should be here, it should’ve been me.” Tears well up on the rims of my eyelids and my throat begins to bob, I blink hard and look away turning my head in an attempt to hide the way I’m feeling from my shrink of all people. I think back to Ben’s funeral, the way people spoke about him, were proud of him. The love they had. All those people missing a man who deserved it all. I haven’t cried over Ben in a long while, how can I be sad you know? When I’m still here and he’s the one gone.
Dr. Lawson doesn’t push, he lets me sit in my emotions, feel what I’m thinking. He lets the silence stretch a minute longer before asking, “But now?”
Now.
Now, it’s different. Now the truth is out. And the truth?
It’s even heavier than the lie.
“I found out Caleb drugged me,” I say quietly. “Slipped something in my drink at the party. I wasn’t drunk—I was nearly unconscious. Behind the wheel and half-alive. He did it because I was talking to her. Darcy. His girlfriend. He thought I was trying to take her from him, and his spot and his life. She just asked me for a lift.”
“And now that you know the truth?”
I shake my head, jaw tight. “I don’t know. I thought I’d feel relief. Like the weight would lift. But instead I feel… rage. And shame. Because I spent years hating myself for something I didn’t even do.”
“You’ve spent years carrying guilt that wasn’t yours,” he says. “That rewires how a person sees themselves.”
“Yeah,” I mutter. “I let it define me, I know that. I pushed Scarlett away because I thought she deserved someone better. Someone clean. Someone who isn’t this messed up in the head. And now I find out I wasn’t even guilty, but the damage is already done. The whole thing’s done a number on me.”
Dr. Lawson looks at me for a long moment, I fidget with my hands. The way he is examining me is off putting like I’ve said the wrong things. “So what are you going to do with the truth, Asher?”
I blow out a breath, maybe I’ve said the right things. “I don’t know. I want to burn something down. I want to go back and do it all differently. I want to look Scarlett in the eye and tell her I’m sorry I ever let her think I didn’t want her. She just handles her grief so well, and I let mine eat me alive.”
