Page 60 of Be Your Forever
My phone rings continuously as Avery’s face flashes across my screen. I can’t talk to her right now. I need to be alone. I deserve to be alone. The phone stops ringing only to ping with two incoming messages.
Avery: Bri? Where did you go? What happened?
Avery: I love you. I’m not sure what happened. But please let me know you’re okay.
I leave her on read. The depression that always lingers around every corner pounces on me like a lion does its prey. It doesn’t matter that I’ve finally managed to claw my way out of that black hole. The second the beast sniffs out a sliver of weakness, it welcomes the meal as if it’s been starved.
My Uber drops me off at my house and I mutter out a curtthanksbefore I bolt up the stairs and into my room. I don’t bother to change out of my clothes; I just put an oversized hoodie on. I crawl under my covers and fall back into the darkness that swallowed me whole before.
I’ve been holed up in my room for a two days, falling into old patterns. My brain pounds against my skull and my eyes have a permanent crust from crying myself to sleep every night. I’ve avoided my phone like the plague. Because if I look at their messages, I seehis,and then I lose it. I’ve been in a perpetual state of sadness and shame, and I hate that I’m here again. I was doing so well, and I just can’t face anyone knowing I’ve fallen back into my sorrow.
I’m startled when the other side of the bed dips with a heavy weight, and I inhale the uniquely distinct smell of leather and cinnamon.
Asher.
God, look at how pathetic you are. Asher is going to go running the second he sees how far you’ve fallen.
His arms wrap around my stomach, and I flinch. I make an attempt to remove his hand, but he tightens his grip.
“What happened, baby?”
“I-I don’t. I c-can’t.”
Asher just pulls me closer into his body, and his arm around my body feels like a protective shield.
“It’s okay, bear. You can tell me when you’re ready.” Asher presses a soft kiss on my shoulder, and I feel the heat through the layers of clothes. We lie there in silence, but it’s not uncomfortable.
Do I let him in? Should I tell him what’s been going on? Will he think differently of me?
My thoughts are flashing across my mind at the speed of light as Asher brushes soothing strokes up my arm. I’ve been determined to wallow in my own despair, locking everyone out of the world, but then I hear the sound of my therapist's voice.
You are deserving of love, Brianna. It’s okay to lean on those whenever we need help.
“I, um, I went out to lunch with Avery. Everything was good and then—” My voice breaks and I feel his arms squeeze me even harder, providing me the support I need to continue.
Be strong, Bri. Don’t let the negative thoughts win.
“Avery got up to use the bathroom and then I got a text from Max. And all the progress I’ve made so far combusted, leaving me in the destruction of my guilt. I just, I’m so fucking selfish. I should be able to talk to my brother. He’s better now, and yet, I have been ignoring him still.”
“Bear, you’re still working on some really tough shit. Healing isn’t linear, something I’ve had to learn myself. You’ll talk to your brother when you’re ready. You are the least selfish person I know. So, I’m gonna need you to stop talking about my girl that way.”
“You’re right. I know you’re right, but sometimes it’s hard. I was doing so well, and it just…It sucks to fall back a few steps.”
“What you’re doing isn’t easy, but I’m so proud of you for continuing to work through some tough shit. You’re inspiring.”
“I—well, thank you. I’m glad you’re here. Thank you for not giving up on me. And I’m sor—”
“No. Don’t you dare apologize. You don’t need to. And I’ll always be here. You need me, I’ll come running. Sounds like you’ve had a long day. Close your eyes and sleep. I’ll be here holding you.”
My eyelids are heavy with exhaustion. I snuggle deeper into his arms and fall asleep with a smile on my face.Everything will be okay.
Brianna
Drink every last drop
Iwakeupfeelinga little more like how I’ve been these past few weeks. My arms stretch out only to find the other side of the bed empty. I feel my inner monsters trying to make something out of nothing, but I mentally push them off the cliff. I’m not going to give in to their demands today.
I pad over to my ensuite bathroom to wash my face and brush the knots from my hair. I give myself a onceover, and once I’m satisfied, I head downstairs. I don’t know where Asher’s gone, but I love having him here with me. There's something about waking up in the arms of the love of your life.
