Page 1 of Heartstruck at Dawn
August 20, 2009
THOMAS CALLED MEeverysingle day at 6:00 p.m. sharp, but I never took the call because I didn’t care to listen to another of his empty apologies. I’d already broken up with him. We weren’t dating anymore. Aaron and Caleb threw him out of my apartment the last time I saw him. Couldn’t he take a hint?
My head still felt like it wanted to explode. I wasfuriousabout his behavior, the things he said, and most of all, for kissing me.
I know. I kissed him back.
But the familiarity of him, of his lips, mixed up with that stupidly relaxing pill ... It didn’t matter anymore. Iwasan idiot.
Caleb convinced me to meet up with Thomas. Yes,Caleb. He thought if I talked to Thomas one last time, he would back off. And he was right. Thomas needed real closure—for me to tell him it was overfor good. I didn’t want things to end on such a sour note either.
Caleb’s encouragement on the matter was helpful and made me feel more at ease and prepared to handle the whole situation going on with Thomas. I wasn’t alone. Sometimes I kept forgetting that I had a solid support system behind me.
The flower arrangement Thomas sent me that week had to be moved from the living room’s coffee table to the foyer table because you couldn’t even watch TV or see the face of the person seated in front of you in the living room. It wasthatbig.
Thomas’s portrait used to be the first thing you saw when you came into my apartment. I took it down. I knew he wouldn’t like it once he saw the empty wall, but I needed to be firm with him. And I honestly couldn’t stand to look at it anymore.
I needed one less thing to worry about.
Caleb and I had talked a little more aboutusduring the week. I never knew I needed him that much until he mentioned the possibility of leaving. I had taken him for granted. But his job was like any other—another could quickly replace it in a heartbeat.
It’d been scary to realize that.
The important part was that he decided to stay. I mean, I’d been crushing on this guy foryears. However, I did worry about what all the kissing really meant and what his expectations of me were. Too much happened recently. And my biggest fear was getting hurt, hurting him, hurting our relationship, or worse—all of the above.
Proceed with caution.
I told him I needed time to process everything, and he was very understanding of the situation that I’d just gone through. He didn’t care about that. He was mostly glad that Thomas was a thing of the past.
But an unfamiliar feeling of uncertainty lay dormant in the back of my mind—a sleeping lion in its den. I wanted to be ready for him, but I couldn’t stop thinking about William. It became an infatuation. One I needed to start detaching from immediately. I was determined toclawhim out of my mind if necessary.
Ihadto.
Wasn’t Caleb all I ever wanted?
When I saw him, I was so happy. He made me smile. But every night before going to sleep, my chest would riot against me. I couldn’t go to bed feeling okay. But why? I was trying, likereallytrying.
Things had to get better.
My chest needed to stop complaining, and I needed to focus on the great things I had in front of me. That was my new mantra.
And there were lots of great things that I had going on with Caleb. Like the way he made me feel so wanted, his perfectly delicious lips, and the way he kissed me.
He knew me. I was safe with him. That had to be enough.
Thomas said he’d drop by the apartment by the end of the day to talk, and I was nervous but hopeful too. I went for a morning run with Caleb and David, hoping it would help ease the nerves.
I came back from our run and showered. The doorbell rang as I poured myself a cup of coffee, but I hadn’t been informed about Thomas arriving.
Could it be William?
Of course not. An obvious example of the importance of clawing him out of my mind.He doesn’t care anymore,silly.Or did he even care at some point?
He was never around anyway. Filming, he’d told me in his last text.
I dismissed the idea altogether, but another part of me, the one that enjoyed playing tricks on me, quickly got up, hoping it would behim,making me rush to the front door and open it with giddy anticipation.
Wrong brother.
