Page 120 of Heartstruck at Dawn
The doors opened up on the ninth floor, and we stepped out of the elevator but stood there, right beside it.
Caleb continued to say, “And when I met you—” He laughed a sad, nostalgic laugh. “Shit … youlikedme right away, didn’t you?” My eyes widened with a thick brew of emotional terror and absolute shock. Realizing I was nothing but water and glass. So obviously transparent to him. I parted my mouth to say something, but he lifted a lazy hand and said, “Don’t answer that.”
“Caleb—”
“It’s all good, I swear. I’m just trying to make a point.”
“Which is?”
“You have feelings for William. Strong ones.” He crossed his arms loosely at his chest and stared down at me—a hushed challenge. “And I don’t think it’s unilateral.”
I shook my head because why was he doing this to me? Saying those things and coming from him … a civil war erupted inside my head, demanding answers and resolutions.
“I-I—don’t.”
“This is why I always had an issue with William and why I figured out quickly after we decided to giveusa shot that it was never going to work out. But you didn’t want to see it. You still don’t. Your mind was elsewhere, and again, it was written all over your face. Itstillis.
“I saw the pain in your eyes when William’s ex stepped on the rooftop that day. When you realized he was back with her, and you saw William holding her hand—refusing to acknowledge you. And I—I kissed you with everything I had, wishing I could’ve taken that pain away from you, but I knew I couldn’t. You pulled away from me because of him.
“And I’m sure of this because I know your face better than I do my own. I’ve been studying it for years. The slight shifts in between your eyebrows, that imperceptible twitch in your mouth, how you widen your eyes for a second, how you inhale, exhale, and how depending on the speed and breadth of it means one thing and then another … I see it all. I could make a language with your face.
“And I didn’t want to accept it then either. I didn’t want to be the one to tell you, but I see how torn you are right now. It’s as if I can almost feel it for you. And I’m learning to live with it because I can’t”—he laughed again, almost silently—“won’tstay away from you. So I’d just rather make you see it in the hopes of helping you gain some clarity.”
I never agreed more or understood Caleb as much as when he said hewouldn’tstay away from me because I couldn’t stay away from him either. And he knew it. I simply wanted him in my life. Always. No matter what. There would forever be an unwavering and bespoke space in my heart created just for him.
“Besides, I made a promise, didn’t I? I can’t leave until you kick me to the curb.” He laughed. Softly. As if trying to guard himself behind the humor. “But that doesn’t mean it doesn’thurtto see the truth sometimes. Just as I know you wouldn’t be jumping up and down with excitement if the roles were reversed somehow.”
He was right. I would struggle to see him with someone, the mere thought of it was prickly and thorn-ridden, and I would accept it, of course. And I would be filled with genuine happiness to seehimhappy. But I realized how he had withstood so much when I’m sure I wouldn’t have been able to handle a dab of what he had since we arrived in New York.
Caleb represented the most complex relationship I had in my life, saturated and intertwined with multiple thin, delicate lines throughout. There wasn’t a guidebook for it, and we had navigated—blindfolded—on the expanse of it through the years. And now, it’s as if something finally clicked. Made sense.
“I’m sorry, Red. I’m always trying my best, and I’m good, I swear. You’re my best friend, and that’s enough for me because that means I can have you forever.”
My heart!
That was a lot.
He’d unloaded a truck full of truth and honesty right on top of me. I was trying to remember how to move my body to get out of the rubble, but the words came out automatically, “Of course. Youaremy best friend, Caleb.” The realization of it hit me hard in the face. We already knew it. But hearing it out loud woke me up. It filled me with joy.
“Come here.”
I walked the short distance between us and hugged him. He lifted me until my feet were no longer touching the ground. “Happy birthday,” I whispered. “I want you to be happy … always.”
“I’m the happiest.”
It was one of those days where hugging Caleb was allowed and not frowned upon, not even if my father saw me. He wasn’t going to forbid me from congratulating him even if he disapproved of the way I’d chosen to do it.
“We’re good?” I asked for verbal validation, just to make sure.
“Better than ever.” He lowered me back on my feet, and I sighed with relief. He laughed at my reaction.
“You should go out and celebrate or something. I’m staying in for the rest of the night.” I didn’t want him to spend his birthday working. There was still time for him to go out and have some fun—clear his mind.
“I don’t know. I might be getting old, but—I’m tired. I wouldn’t mind staying in and getting some rest either,” he replied, brushing his forehead. “Today was stressful, if I’m being honest. Your father insisted on how everything had to be perfect tonight. No surprises.”
“I know. It was stressful for me too. But here I am. Perfectly safe and in one piece,” I said, opening my arms and looking down at myself. “Thanks to you guys.”
A door shut gently in the distance. I turned to see William, still in his full suit, sauntering toward my door. He leaned against it and shot a two-finger wave at me, placed his hands inside his pockets, and crossed one foot in front of the other. I imagined he wanted to talk.
