Page 12 of Awestruck at Dusk
“Shut up and get dressed,” I said with a laugh, trying to distract myself from William’s recurrent innuendos. “I’m sure Alice would love to help.”
“No, I wouldn’t!” she yelled from her seat. “But I’ll text you so you can tell me when your guys are ready to scurry us out of here.”
“I’d rather have bossy Guille helping me out,” he whispered. “That’s my favorite Guille.”
Damn it. My face warmed up, and that was my cue to leave.
William let out a breath with a laugh.
“Love that peachy color on your cheeks, by the way,” William said. “But no reason to get nervous. I’m sure you’ll want to wait to break the news to Nathan about how you’re ending things with him before we get into any ofthat. Which we will, I promise.”
“William, stop,” I said in a serious tone. I knew his style consisted of laying it all out to me in a funny-joke-kind-of-way, but I knew he wasn’t kidding. And this was where I drew the line.
If he was saying that, it meant hereallywanted me to end things with Nathan.
At first, my heart leaned more toward Nathan, but now it was pulling atwo roads diverged in a yellow wood,1and I didn’t know what to do with that overpowering feeling.
After William got hurt, something shifted inside of me, like a switch that turned on, and as much as I fought it, I couldn’t seem to find a way to turn it off.
The thought of him getting hurt again, or worse, losing him, changed me. It made me feel thisneedto have him around—to see him, just to put my mind at ease. To let me know he was okay.
And I wasn’t trying to complicate things or hurt anyone, but I couldn’t help it.
It was … chemical.
“You can’t play dumb forever,” he called me out.
I knew that too, but I hadn’t even grieved Caleb properly. How was I to peer inside my heart and ask the dreaded questions IknewI had to?
Someone was going to get hurt—by me. I understood that. And I would too, in consequence. I wasn’t sure if I could take any more pain. So I kept stalling, looking away from my feelings.
Playingdumb. It’s so easy to play dumb.
“Please, stop.” It was the only thing I could do right now. Ask him to stop and allow me to have more time to process life, death, and all the in-betweens. For now, all I could offer him was my friendship, even though I knew he would never reciprocate it.
“I won’t stop anymore,” William replied, his gravelly voice on full display. “I tried, and I’d made my peace with it knowing that I’m not strong enough to do so. And something tells me you’re not that strong enough either.”
I peeked over my shoulder, and Alice’s attention was embedded to her computer screen, completely unaware of our conversation.
Good.
Besides, this Zara situation was starting to give me an itch. And I’d never experienced jealousy as I had with William. I was absurdly territorial about him. But again, it wasn’t my place to ask, and the gnawing curiosity was uncomfortable and exhausting. And I’m sure he could see right through me.
“My sister-in-law has been waiting a while for you to take that call,” I said, pointing out the fact that there was a girl on the line eagerly waiting to talk to him. And that girl was my boyfriend’s sister.
“Shhhit.” William pulled up his phone and unmuted it. “Zara?”
I shook my head and walked away as he continued his conversation with her in Swedish. I needed to enroll in Swedish lessons, if only for peace of mind.
“Guille!” he yelled before I stepped out of his room. “We’re not even close to being done with this conversation.”
I knew that too.
1Frost, Robert. “The Road Not Taken.” Mountain Interval, Henry Holt and Company, 1916.
1984
April 7, 2010
