Page 15 of Awestruck at Dusk
My arms hung beside me, my left hand in a tight fist.
Both of his hands traveled to the small of my back as he took a few steps back, pulling me with him, his mouth still unwilling to detach from mine.
Relax.
“I feel like we haven’t had proper sex in forever,” he said, pulling my sweater over my head in a swift movement. He tossed it on the floor, smiling at me, and took his jacket off next. That smile gave me the comfort I needed to loosen up. It was Nathan. I was safe with him.
I uselessly tried to unbutton his shirt, but my cast made it difficult for me to do so.
“I’ve got it,” he said, unbuttoning his shirt. “Let me take care of everything, okay?”
Nathan’s hand then moved to my jeans. He slowly pulled them down, and all I could hear inside my head were the ticking seconds of my mental timer. Once I ran out of seconds, I would have to say something to Nathan about my discomfort regarding the thinness of the wall dividing apartments 9A and 9B.
“I couldn’t stand rushing with you. I want to take my time making love to you,” Nathan said, drawing a line of kisses down my stomach.
The past few weeks had been a challenge for us. We had to make up an excuse to go to Nathan’s apartment and keep things quick before my ridiculous 10:00 p.m. curfew. And his job was more demanding every day. He was working his way into becoming a partner at Chapman & Payne, which came with more responsibilities and longer working hours.
But Nathan’s never been one to hurry with me, and I reminded myself of how much I loved that.
He lifted me from the floor and dropped me on the bed on my back. He grabbed my left wrist and took it above my head as he kissed my neck, and that just did it for me.
“No!” I yelled quickly, sliding to the side, away from him.
Nathan immediately recoiled and sat on the bed, his palms slightly up. “What happened?” he asked, disconcerted. “Did I hurt you?”
“N-no, of course not, I’m—I’m sorry,” I said, panting. I crawled on the bed to reach him and placed my arms around him. “I’m sorry, I don’t know what—”
“Hey, it’s okay,” he said in a mellow voice, running a hand through my hair. “I got too carried away. I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable.”
“You didnothingwrong,” I insisted. He hadn’t. “It’s just … this room. And the way you grabbed my hand and pulled my arm up just—” I trailed off and closed my eyes, taking a slow breath in.
I hadn’t given Nathan any explicit details on how things went down with Thomas. It was hard for me to talk about it. Feeling helpless underneath his strength had been overwhelming. Not being able to move without knowing what the person holding you down wants to do to you is a terrifying feeling.
“Thomas pinned me down on my bed, and grabbed my wrists, and—h-he even at some point kissed me,” I revealed as I shook my head a few times. Fast. “I had to make him think I wanted to hear him out, to make him think I—” My voice was low, almost a tremble.
“Oh, God, Murph. Why wouldn’t you tell me about this?” Nathan asked with a tense jaw. He seemed furious about the situation. “I’m so sorry, love.” He carefully placed his arms around me.
“I don’t know. It’s been a lot. And a part of me felt ashamed of—I-I don’t know—of being so vulnerable. I couldn’tmove. I didn’t know how far he was willing to take things,” I said with a shudder.
Nathan’s breathing was deep but steady. I could see how hard it was for him to keep it together. But what was he to do? Thomas was dead. It was over. The only thing left was the trauma I carried.
“And I haven’t told you this either, but I freed myself using the Krav Maga techniques you taught me,” I said with a sad chuckle.
“What?” He reciprocated a lazy laugh. “Oh, Murph, you’re brilliant.” He kissed my hair. “So, you flipped him like we practiced?”
I nodded with a small smile.
“What else?” he asked, looking proud.
“I ah—punched him in the groin after flipping him. But he wouldn’t let go of my right wrist,” I explained, showing my cast. “I poked his eyes with the claw thing you taught me, and that got him to free me, but my wrist was broken by then.”
“Shit, Murph.”
“I tried escaping, but he caught me, and that’s when William came in. But um—I’d rather not talk about that part if that’s okay.”
“Of course,” he replied softly. “I completely understand.”
I kissed his cheek. “I wished I’d told you about this before. But I just—I couldn’t.”
