Page 78 of Awestruck at Dusk
He pulled me aside. “You okay, Bee?”
“No,” I replied in a neutral tone. My conversation with Cecile had been very enlightening. I was learning to say the things I wanted to say, to admit my feelings, and to use the right tone while doing it.
It was going to take some practice, but at least now, I was aware of how I usually wanted to pretend like everything was okay when it wasn’t. And how exhausting that was. I was done with that. It didn’t help solve anything or make things feel better.
The oddity about carrying out such a practice was observing how people react to your honesty. Not everyone wants it, and not everyone knows what to do with it.
Most people ask how you’re doing, expecting a:Fine, how are you? And then the other person goes:Fine, thank you. But that’s not a real conversation. It’s just social protocol, and I sometimes wondered if I shouldn’t want to try to change things. But it was an interesting experiment, nonetheless.
Nolan didn’t shy away too quickly from an honest reply. And he was one of my closest friends. One of the few who knew the most about me.
“I’m sorry that we haven’t been able to talk since your birthday. We’ve been so caught up with finals that I never asked again about—thatthingyou told me aboutyou know who.”
Ah. William. My feelings for William, to be exact.
Nolan and I were on the same page. We both were clueless because, just like him, I hadn’t asked myself about those feelings either. And with the training I’ve had for years to lock things up and throw away the key, there was no easy way to have the courage to unlock the trunk and see what sensibilities still survived inside, especially after William disappeared.
“I think we’ve both made the choice to move on from whateverthatwas,” I replied.
“What do you mean?” He asked, angling his head with curiosity, a subtle frown drawing on his forehead.
“We talked that night. I realized that the thought of losing Nathan was too painful to even consider, and William asked me directly if I’d chosen Nathan.” I paused for a second, the memory of that scene biting at me. “I said yes.”
Nolan nodded as he leaned in to listen. I kept my voice down, of course.
“Okay, but this is William we’re talking about. He never actually believes you when you say that kind of stuff to him. He just laughs, you get super annoyed by that, and it all goes back to normal the next day, which consists of William not giving a fuck and doing all this crazy shit to win you over,” Nolan said, a tiny smirk drawing on his face afterward. He really knew all the stories. “What’s different this time? Aside from the fact that you’ve already admitted to having feelings for him. Not that I was shocked about it.”
“Well, he slept with Zara that night, and I heard it through the wall. So I guess he’s reached his limit.”
Nolan cleared his throat. “What?” He lowered his chin. “Zara as in Nathan’s sister, Zara?”
“Unfortunately, it’s the only Zara I know.”
“And you’resureit happened?” Nolan asked, his brows bunching up, looking confused.
I snorted and shook my head.I know what I heard.
“Why is it so hard to believe? I saw how territorial she was and how she chased him around like a puppy all night long. And I have a feeling that’s how it’s been for years.”
Nolan rubbed his jaw. His gaze drifted away, staring at nothing in particular. “I don’t know. It’s just—he must’ve been devastated for him to have done that. I just—fuck, that sucks.”
My brows rose, and I shrugged. What did I expect? I was sleeping with Nathan on a regular basis, so why wouldn’t he be able to do the same with whoever he felt like taking to his bed? He’s William freaking Sjöberg! He can have anyone he wants. He’s not going to wait around for me to make up my mind. He had enough.
And I wasn’t an idiot. It was foolish to believe he hadn’t had sex with anyone in the past months, but at least he wasn’t bringing girls over to his apartment. I was thankful for that, but on my birthday, he made a statement.I’m not going to guard your heart anymore.
“And I don’t think he’s dating Zara because I googled him and—shit, I know I shouldn’t have, but I’ve been doing it lately. I’m just curious to know what he’s been up to, and he’s been going out a lot. There are a bunch of photographs of him coming in or out of different bars, with different girls every time. The headlines aren’t encouraging at all. And I know I shouldn’t care but—”
“You do,” Nolan finished the sentence. I’m not sure that’s what I was about to say but yeah, basically. It was so maddening to watch, but I couldn’t stop googling him. “You shouldn’t be looking at those tabloids. I feel like most of it is bullshit. You’re going insane for no reason.”
“Well, I found this stupid website that posts paparazzi photographs with the date, place, and everything. And I mean—they look recent,” I said with a sigh filled with exasperation. “I know I can’t complain. It just sucks to see him with a different girl whenever I type his name. I can’t help but feel jealous, but I’m sure the feeling will fade with time. At least he’s not bringing them over to his apartment.” Yet …
Nolan raised a brow. “Yeah, you know, as long as you never see him again in person, which is highly improbable since he’s your next-door neighbor.”
“He—moved out,” I clarified. “He’s living in Sagaponack right now.”
“Hmm. I guess that’ll be helpful to both of you. The critical distance.”
“I guess—ugh! This freaking cast.” I scratched around the edges of the rough material that wrapped around my forearm. But the itch came from deeper inside, and I was going nuts.
