Page 102 of Awestruck at Dusk
“Don’t worry about it,” I said, cupping his face. “I’ll see if I can change the date on the tickets.”
“I’m so sorry, love. I just got confirmation about the trip.” He pulled me in flush against him. “Are you sure it’s okay? I hate canceling our plans because of work.”
“It’s okay. Don’t worry about it,” I insisted. “But I was wondering if maybe we could find a way to go somewhere in August before the semester begins.”
“Like on a trip?” Nathan asked, surprised.
“Yes. Even if it’s only for a weekend,” I proposed. “I’m sure we can trick my father into letting me go. Maybe I could tell him I’m going with Nina and CJ.” Nathan stared at me with wide eyes. “You don’t think it’s a good idea?”
“You know I’d love to, but I don’t know if your father will buy it. And what about your security detail? They have to report everything to him.”
“I’m sure I could talk to Aaron and explain. Maybe they’ll be willing to make an exception. If he finds out, then I’ll deal with him. I don’t mind blaming it all on me.”
Nathan took a deep breath and rubbed his jaw. “Look, I swear there’s nothing more I would want than to travel anywhere, just you and me. But your father and I—we’re in the middle of planning everything to get the firm up and running next year, and I feel like it’s not a good idea to upset him right now.”
“Nathan, you promised that partnering up with my father wasn’t going to get in the way of our relationship,” I reminded him. I didn’t want him to worry about my father’s feelings more than he did about mine. I wanted to experience other things. To feelnormalat times, even if it were for a few days. And I needed a partner in crime. “You could use the time off.”
Nathan licked his lips and looked away as if thinking what to tell me. “I feel like I’m disappointing you again. I hate to see that look on your face.”
“You know what. You’re right. Forget about it, okay?” I persuaded myself to smile and gave him a quick peck on the lips. I didn’t want to make a big fuss out of nothing. I wanted to enjoy the weekend, especially now that he was leaving on Monday for a week. A lot can happen in a month and a half, and I was just stressing Nathan out with the conversation.
“All of these things will get easier once we get married,” Nathan said, leaning in to kiss my temple. “I’m sure your father will ease up on your security, and we’ll be able to travel alone.”
So it was official? My only way out of my father’s grasp was marriage? And even so, who knew how much he’d be willing to let go, especially since it was in Nathan’s best interest to keep my father happy. Also, I had my doubts about being allowed to travel.
That’s what I wanted to do more than anything. To travel and experience new things without my security detailbeforeI got married. Nathan had probably already done plenty of that, but I hadn’t.
This smothering topic was weighing on me mentally and emotionally. It all felt like a big trap, and Nathan didn’t even realize it, but he was standing at the door of the next big, beautiful cage. But a cage, nonetheless. And my father was only handing over the keys.
My relationship with Nathan was too attached to my father, and the only way to break away from that was to ask him not to partner up with him. And I didn’t have the heart to ask him to forsake his dreams—for me.
It was all my fault because, again, I didn’t have the guts to tell him how I felt about marriage. I could’ve told him right then and there that I wasn’t going to be ready for at least a few years. I could’ve opened myself up to him about my plans andmydreams. But I didn’t.
It was devastating to think that we couldn’t both be happy. It was either his happiness or mine. And I hoped that if I stalled, maybe I could find a way to make both our goals and dreams come true. That’s the reason why I held back from being honest—that and the fact that I’m a wuss. I was afraid to lose him.
“Everything’s going to be okay, Murph,” Nathan said reassuringly. “I promise you.”
I nodded, wanting so bad to believe him. And I did, but not entirely. I didn’t know why but I just felt trapped.
We walked over to the terrace table, where everyone gathered around as a few of them refilled their drinks. Zara laughed with Sivert and Tobias. They kept insisting on her to choose her seven flowers to place below her pillow that night. Zara and Tobias seemed friendly again.
“You’ve got to choose your flowers too,” Nathan told me. William leaned against one of the terrace columns, observing. He’d been mostly quiet, and I didn’t have a problem with that.
Nathan moved on to explain about the flower ritual and all the things I already knew because I’d done it last year, but I allowed him to explain.
“She knows all about the flowers,” William interrupted Nathan, still leaning against the column with that eye-catching outfit, his arms loosely resting at his chest and a foot crossed over the other.
The last rays of sunshine disappeared into the horizon. Dusk settled in, and apparently, so did William’s politeness and the serene façade he’d been carrying around the last few hours. The sour look on his face was anything but stoic.
“Oh, right,” Nathan replied. “You told me on our first date about how you tried the aquavit shots on Midsummer last year.”
“She even chose her seven flowers and placed them under her pillow. Didn’t you, Guille?” William added, his gaze fixed on me. A direct taunt. He elegantly rubbed his well-kept beard and crossed his arms again.
Why he bothered, I didn’t understand. He seemed happy doing his thing with that South African Rachel girl, even if it wasn’t too serious. I was sure once he came back to New York after filming, there would be other girls on the dating roster. And either way, Zara was always eager and available to match his affections—that I already knew.
My point is he seemed to have his hands full, and he didn’t mind everyone knowing about it. So why keep messing with me?
Everyone seemed to find our conversation interesting because they all focused on our exchange.
