Page 109 of Awestruck at Dusk
I was about to lose everything.
And I deserved it.
I squatted on the floor and took my hands to my face, gathering the scattered pieces of myself to confront Nathan.
“So is it him you want?” Nathan said in a dark, grave tone. I stood up, and he stared at me with red-rimmed eyes and a broken, discouraged gaze.
I closed my eyes and turned away, pinching the bridge of my nose, trying to shield myself from the pain and hide from the shame, and a sob escaped my throat. “It doesn’t matter anymore,” I said in between low, breathy gasps, looking away. I couldn’t make myself look at him.
“For how long have you been going behind my back with William?” The question alone destroyed me.
David, Amena, and Aaron had front row tickets to Billie’s Reality Show, but I didn’t have the energy to care.
“It’s not like that. Nothing’s happened, Nathan. I swear,” I told him in between sobs. I wanted to tell him everything I ever felt and thought, but I couldn’t even breathe. I needed to calm myself down first.
“Do you take me for an idiot?” I’d never seen Nathan so angry before. “That I turn a blind eye because I trusted you doesn’t mean I’m not aware of everything that’s happening around me,” he said, pointing a finger at the cottage as if it were William. “Every stolen look, every frown, every nightmare where you screamed his name, how he sang those songs at your birthday, every witty banter between you. I saw itall.”
“I’m sorry,” I muttered, taking a step forward, but he took a step back. “I never meant to hurt you. You know how much I love you.”
“You love me?” he scoffed. “You love me with half of what you’ve got to give. Maybe less. But I love you withmy entireheart. And the only reason you never had the guts to leave me was that you were afraid of how it would be with him, am I right?”
Damn, that hurt. The blow landed straight in my gut.
“And just the thought of you together—” he trailed off.
“I swear he hasn’t touched me. I would never—”
“He doesn’t have to,” Nathan cut me off. “I see the way you look at him. That’s enough. I just didn’t want to see it—to accept it. It hurts even more to know there’s something going on between you. You can’t deny it.”
“It all changed after the shooting,” I confessed. “I won’t look you in the eye and lie to you. William and I have always had a special connection. And I tried to ignore it—to put it aside becauseIchoseyou.
“But the thought of William dying—of losing him forever was so painful that it fucked with my head. He almost died because of me. So I can’t deny that I’ve been struggling with all of that. And losing Caleb only made things worse. I feel like I’m missing that part of him in me. And William—he’s shown up for me, as a friend, when I’ve needed someone to talk to.”
Nathan ran a hand down the length of his face and rubbed it for a few seconds. “And why not talk tomeabout these things?”
“Well, you’ve been busy. And when I do get to see you, I just want to make the best of the time we’ve got. I don’t want to make it all about me and my drama,” I told him. “All I want is for you to be happy, Nathan. So much that I’ve held back on telling you a few things about how I really feel because I’m afraid to lose you. And I thoughtIcould fix those things for us.”
“You’re not afraid to lose me,” Nathan replied with a scowl. I felt a change in his tone again. He was enraged. “You’re afraid to end up with nothing. You just wanted to keep me around enough for you to figure your heart out. But I’ll make it easier for you. Go after him. I’m done—we’redone.”
Nathan left me standing there as he darted inside the house.
“Nathan!”
Everyone was up now. Some were in the kitchen grabbing themselves a cup of coffee while others sat in the living room. Everyone’s gazes followed us as I rushed behind Nathan toward the guest room. Nathan tossed the few things he’d brought with him back into his duffel bag. I did the same. If he was leaving, so was I.
When we stepped out, everyone was seated in the living room.
“Nathan, would you join us, please?” Zara said to him, making him stop cold. “I need to talk to all of you.”
Nathan stared at her with a frown. Zara was about to drop the bomb, and I wished I could’ve stayed to be there for Nathan. I knew the information was going to be shocking and hard to assimilate. But he’d just told me he was done. And I had no business staying any longer. So I left after a quick thank you and goodbye to everyone.
“Billie!” Lily shouted. But I didn’t stop.
I stormed out of the cottage, and David had the engine going. They couldn’t have read the situation more perfectly.
“Let’s go,” I said as I climbed into the car.
I took Caleb’s letter out of my bag and pressed it firmly against my chest as I laid down on my side. I hadn’t slept one bit, and my body was operating on instruments.
