Page 111 of Awestruck at Dusk
He’d been prepping and grooming him for months. Of course, he thought there wasn’t anyone better suited to be with me. Nathan was kind but ambitious at the same time, and he admired my father. That’s all he needed to mold him into a mini-James.
My father kept making it seem like Nathan was out there begging me to get back together and that I was refusing him. That wasn’t the case. I was sure Nathan was probably entertaining the idea just to keep their plans going for the firm. And I didn’t blame him. I knew I fucked up with his plans, and maybe he wasn’t as ready to give up on them as he was to break up with me.
And I missed him. I missed that unique language we’d created between us. I missed his face. His kisses. Just … him. But I was an expert in numbing out the pain.
At first, I thought he would reach out to me a week later after returning from London, but he didn’t. I’d hurt him badly. And I was hurting too, but I tried to give him space.
Another part of me felt lighter. Not because I was okay with us being broken up but because I didn’t have to worry about the things I did before when we were together. And that helped my overall well-being somehow.
I only wished he was okay, and I hoped for his happiness—every single day.
A part of me felt like I still needed closure. I didn’t enjoy how things ended between us. It’d been too sudden and unexpected. I just missed him, but I already said that a few times.
And William. Shit, I couldn’t even think about him. Sometimes it was easier to believe he didn’t exist. That I made him up. But then I googled him. And I googled him again. And his name and his face kept showing up in the search results.
He existed.
He was living and breathing, still having fun with Rachel King, and still filming in South Africa, as per the paparazzi photographs. He’d shaven off his beard, but his hair was a tad longer. I liked him best with a clean shave. Not that the opinion of an online stalker mattered.
Rachel appeared to like his face too. She couldn’t seem to take her hands off it on every other photograph. And I kept scrolling through the images every day, trying to train myself to feel nothing. But I failed miserably every single time. My entrails burned, my jaw clenched, my heart ached, and my poor laptop was a shove away from shattering.
New thoughts kept me up at night. Mostly questions I asked myself on a loop to which I didn’t have an answer to like:What happens when William comes back from filming?Is he coming back to his apartment?Will Rachel come with him?And if she does… will I have tolisten?Will there be others?
That’s why I kept practicing with the paparazzi photos, see? It was necessary. I had to be prepared if I ever saw them together waltzing into William’s apartment.
At least, that’s what I liked telling myself. It was better than accepting how I very much still wanted to keep loving him. Hoping the feelings were still alive somewhere in there for him too.
So I kept diving into a far, dark corner of my mind, promising myself in secret how one day I’d be brave enough to knock on the wall that divided our bedrooms—a few times. For a while. Hoping it crashes down and falls apart. Just to let himknow.
He’d know … and I’d let him do whatever he wants with the rubble.
A Chance
July 26, 2010
I DRAGGED MYSELFdown to the lobby and met Lily at 5:45 a.m. as we agreed. She looked great, and come on, look at the hour. That’s why they paid her big money to photograph her beautiful face.
I couldn’t pull a smile out of her. She didn’t look happy. Lily seemed nervous, and her body language was insanely telling. Her shoulders were rolled to the front, her gaze was lost, and her words were null. We didn’t talk much on the way there, and I was thankful. I needed coffee to function, and she said there would be plenty on set, so I held on to that promise. Not that I wouldn’t have sent the guys on a coffee run if for some reason there wasn’t any. But luckily, there was.
The only thing Lily mentioned on our way there was that she was going to be photographed for Haute Magazine. The biggest and most influential fashion magazine in the world. No pressure. It was a swimsuit edition, so she didn’t have to say anything else for me to understand howthatwas part of the complications of having his ex being the photographer. She had to be sexy in her swimwear for the guy. My mood was already declining.
We walked inside the studio, and it might as well have been noon in there. Hyperactive people walked all around the place, setting up the lighting and getting the set prepped. It was so exciting to witness.
I spotted a coffee break table that’d been set against the wall on the far left, right beside two doors. “That’s the hair and makeup room,” Lily said, pointing at one of the doors. “Come on.” I looked around, trying to spotthe guy, but no one struck me as an asshole just yet, so I assumed he hadn’t arrived.
I wandered over to the coffee table and poured myself a big cup of joebecause it’s 6:00 a.m.while Lily talked to a few people on set.
Aaron, David, and Amena had come along because I was hanging out with Lily, andit’s your father’s ordersand all that crap. And I didn’t mind this time. I’d fired a quick text last night telling them to be extra creepy on set today. Mentioning briefly how Lily’s ex would be present and he couldn’t sit with us.
Aaron immediately asked for his name. And I laughed because that was a total Caleb move, and I know he would’ve enjoyed this particular field trip. I could see his hazel eyes in my mind brightening up with amusement.
Damn it.
Anyway … I didn’t have the guy’s name, and I didn’t want to ask Lily. Besides, I didn’t think it would be necessary to check him out. I was planning to be Lily’s emotional support for the day, and Aaron, David, and Amena would be the muscle.
Amena was on a mission to remove Aaron’s title as scariest bodyguard alive because damn, she looked tough this morning. That’s how you know their job was tedious, and my father was overreacting with my security; when things like these got them all excited and committed.
Lily grabbed a cup of coffee and pulled me into the hair and makeup room.
