Page 125 of Awestruck at Dusk
He deservedeverything. And I couldn’t give that to him.
Not anymore.
I had nothing.
Nathan placed the box back into his jacket pocket and knelt with both of his knees. He slid his arms around me and pulled me in against his chest, where I heard the firm but fast beating of his heart—knowing perfectly well that I’d just shattered it to a million pieces. And yet, there he was comfortingmeafter doing so.
I didn’t deserve him.
“Nathan,” I whispered, pulling back to see his face. “I’m so sorry. I know I’m hurting you, and that’s the last thing I want to do. But I can’t—I—I’m not ready, and I do love you. I’ve loved you more than anything during the time we had together. But—”
“William?” Nathan asked, standing up. He sat beside me, his grayish-green eyes dark and heavy with pain. I stared back at him. ItwasWilliam, but the reality was that I had nothing but a one-sided feeling. And it wasn’t just him.
“I feel like there’s a lot I need to do for myself—to figure out,” I started to say. I needed to tell him some of the things I felt while we were together, and I never did. “I want to travel. I want to find a way to have and know more freedom. To bemeand someday break free from my security detail and my father’s apprehensiveness.
“And I know that it might be hard to understand, but it’s something that Ineedto experience. I owe it to myself. And how could we make us work if you have to be here, and I crave to be … free? I would unintentionally make myself stay here to be with you, because why would I want to leave if we’re together? And you wouldn’t be able to come with me either.”
Nathan nodded as I spoke, but I wasn’t making the pain go away. I knew that. His eyes let me know. And I still hadn’t answered his question.
“Yes,” I said after a moment of silence. “I do think about William, and I don’t know why, because nothing’s going on between us. And nothing happened when you and I were together. I haven’t really interacted with him since he arrived from South Africa, and he’s dating someone else. But it’s not fair that I can’t give you my all because it’s true … I do have feelings for him, and I’m hoping and waiting for them to fade away. And it’s not fair for me to figure that out while being in a relationship with you.”
“Shite.” Nathan let his head fall in his hands. “I wish I could’ve been the one to make you happy. But I guess there’s nothing left for me to say after that.” He looked up at me and smiled the saddest smile in the world. He blew out a sharp breath through his mouth and stood up. I stood up too.
“I think it’s best if I get going.” He tucked my hair behind my ear and said, “Goodbye, Murph.” He took a few steps backward, nodded once, and left.
I walked over to the gallery wall and took Nathan’s portrait down.
Nina knocked on my door a couple of hours later. I didn’t return to the party on the rooftop and texted Lily to apologize for leaving and promised to make it up to her. She didn’t reply, and my guess was that she didn’t even have her phone with her. But I was sure she’d understand.
“Hey. What’s wrong?” Nina asked with a sweet voice. She hugged me as soon as she stepped in. I was already in my pajamas and lying on my guest room’s bed before I stood up to open the door. I was afraid to sleep in my bedroom. Afraid of listening to anything beyond the wall. I’d had enough to deal with tonight. I wouldn’t be able to take it if Rachel spent the night with William, so it was best not to find out if she did.
The farther away from William’s bedroom, the better.
I asked Nina to spend the night in my place because I didn’t want to be alone. She agreed, and I told her everything that happened with Nathan. All I needed was someone to talk to.
“Is Nathan still up there?” I asked her once we were done mincing every single detail of what happened earlier with him.
“He’s not. He didn’t return once you two left,” she replied. “I thought he would be here when I arrived.”
I let out a heavily charged breath through my mouth.
“So what happened with Zara?” I asked her, hoping we could change the subject now. I was done talking about my drama.
Nina’s expression shifted. She bit her lower lip, looking uncomfortable. “I’m just—not feeling it. I mean, yeah, she’s gorgeous, but I can feel myself forcing it because I know she likes me, and I feel flattered and all these other weird feelings I’ve never experienced before, you know, from being liked by another girl. And we had a great time that night on your birthday, but I was drunk … and mostly curious.”
Nina ran a hand through her hair and played with it
“And I really like her, you know. She’s funny, and I love talking to her. I mean, I wish we could like, hang out—as friends. But I don’t know if that’s possible after what happened between us.”
Nina straightened herself in her seat. “Anyway, it’s not like she’s expecting anything from me. I guess I just need to relax.” She chuckled. “It’s all too new to me, but I guess I’m sticking to guys for now.”
We both laughed. “Great choice,” I said in between laughs. “But how about we stay single for a while and just enjoy ourselves?”
“Well … yeah,” Nina said with a smile, looking at her hands.
“What?” I frowned. Curious.
“Nothing, it’s just that Liam approached me when you left since I was waiting for Zara to come back from taking some family photos with the Sjöbergs.”
