Page 44 of Awestruck at Dusk
THE SERVER RUSHEDback with a tray holding two tequila shots, a few chopped-up limes, and a small plate with salt as Nolan and I stared at each other in silence.
That’s why it’s hard to tell the truth. One rarely knows what to do with it once it stares back at you—taunting. Waiting.
Nolan tried to wring it out of me, and now that he finally did, he didn’t know what else to say because, yeah, my situation couldn’t have been any shittier.
I dropped my wineglass on the tray to make the switcheroo.
“Okay, let’s do this,” Nolan said. I licked the back of my hand where I’d previously tossed a pinch of salt, downed the shot, and chewed the lime. It reminded me of my Halloween date with Nathan. “Damn, Bee. I was gonna sayon three, but you just dived in, didn’t you?”
He followed suit, and I would’ve laughed at his remark, but I was busy shuddering and making a face as the tequila burned my throat. I would never get used to the fire.
The server nodded with a smile and left with the tray of our empty shot glasses after I grabbed my wineglass back.
“I wouldn’t keep drinking wine,” Nolan said. “Wait it out. See how the tequila kicks in. There’s no rush.”
He was probably right. But I didn’t want the wine to go to waste. Even less so after William explained how much intention went into selecting it and designing the custom-made label. I would hold on to the wineglass and drink it later, as Nolan said … after I waited it out.
“So?” I said to him, as inI just confessed something huge,do you have anything to say about it?
“It’s not like it’s brand new information.” Nolan laughed. “But hell, I wasn’t expecting you to admit it so fast. What are you planning to do about it?”
I shrugged and shook my head a few times, my teeth nipping the corner of my lower lip for a second. “I don’t know. It’s weird to even say it. I’ve been trying to push it all away, but I can’t now. I feel like I’m being torn in half. And yes, it’s as painful as it sounds.”
Two very familiar arms wrapped around my waist from behind me. “What’s painful, love?” Nathan asked, kissing my cheek. His eyes looked a bit glazed, and he was all smiles.That was painful. To see him so invested in us. In me. And now I wasn’t fully there with him. And I wished I could. I really, really did. But for the millionth time: how?
My feelings for Nathan weren’t decreasing, but they were changing. And I didn’t know what that meant. I was terrified of trying to figure it out. Maybe it was just too many things going on at once and it was getting hard for me to keep up with myself. But one thing I knew: Those feelings weren’t alone anymore. New ones had made a last-minute appearance. Well, I wasn’t sure as to hownewthey were. But me finally acknowledging them … that was new. I didn’t even think that was possible. To feel so much. But apparently, it was.
Nathan left for London the day of the premiere, and when he came back the next day, I wasn’t the same person I used to be. And him thinking that I was …thatwas painful too.
With him, I had this incredible sense of security, mutual respect, love. What else could I ask for? He gave me everything any girl could dream of. And there I was messed up in the head for someone else who I wasn’t even sure if the odds would be in our favor. If we could work. But I was so damn curious about the possibility.
William was like the sun. It shows up every single day, but it’s unpredictable and unique every single time. Never boring. Like a perfect sunset that you can’t stop looking at with awe, even if you’ve seen it a thousand times—right until you’re sucked in by the first shades of dusk. And as I stand there, aching for more, yearning for the sun to rise again at dawn, the moon shines above, and it too reminds me of him. Every single time.
My sun and my moon.
But Nathan was my stars. Reliable, familiar, structured. Unfailing. Bright and comforting.
“She was telling me about her wrist,” Nolan replied in my stead. And I thanked him for it. I was so in my head that I hadn’t had the chance to snap out of my train of thought. To concoct a lie.
I couldn’t. Never could.
“Oh, of course,” Nathan replied. “Nolan, could you take a few shots of us?”
“Sure thing.” Nolan grabbed the camera, and Nathan pulled me closer to him.
“Thank you,” I said to Nathan. “For all of this. I thought I didn’t want to celebrate, but I’m having fun.” Nolan kept taking a few shots of us as we talked while I was wrapped around Nathan’s embrace.
“I just want you to be happy—always. Because you deserve to be,” Nathan replied. “I love you.”
“I love you too.”And I do!I fucking swear that I do. I didn’t love himless. Love simply is. There’s no measure to it. We either love or not. Right? I was still trying to decipher if there’s such a thing as loving a little or loving a lot.
What Ididknowwas how the heart has this weird expandable ability, like when a mother has a second child. You wouldn’t love your first one any less.But these are not your children,Guillermina.
I knew I couldn’t live like this, so torn. But I couldn’t just end things with Nathan, especially when I didn’t know for sure what to expect with William. And Zara jumping into the equation just complicated things even more.
Again, I wasn’t the type of person who was willing to take risks of this magnitude. A risk that William wanted me to take. For him.
The truth is that I was afraid to end up with nothing. As ugly and selfish as it sounds.
