Page 52 of Awestruck at Dusk
“It’s tough for a guy like me in the military—black. Gay. I was lucky enough to have finished medical school,” he said, his jaw tense. His eyelids shuttered. “Um—yeah.”
I frowned.
There must’ve been a story there, and I didn’t know it, but I was already angry because the look on David’s face told me it wasn’t an enjoyable one. And as much as I would’ve loved to hear it, this wasn’t the time or place to get into it.
“You know CJ’s father is a renowned pediatric surgeon in the country, right? The famous Dr. Jewel,” I said to him. “My father told me he has saved many lives. Including a former President of the United States’ son when he was nine years old. But he wouldn’t tell me who.”
“I—yeah. I know that.” He laughed under his breath. “One of my first options for a specialty was Pediatrics, actually. But it wassuggestedto me that it wouldn’t be okay for a gay man to treat children,” he said with a snort. That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard. “I have two nieces and four nephews. I’m good with kids. They love me.”
A smile grew on my face, and I could feel my eyes getting smaller from the warmth with which he said that. I believed him. David’s such a noble, trustworthy guy. And I’d never seen him interacting with kids, but if he said he was good with kids, then he was good with kids. Period.
“Anyway, right now, I’m good. I’ve never been more at peace,” he added.
“And—CJ? Is he driving you insane or what?” I chuckled.
David looked at me from the corner of his eye for a second and looked away. He rubbed his face with both of his hands. “Yeah. He is.”
“Good insane? Or bad insane?” I asked, tossing my cigarette and stepping on it. I picked it up afterward and threw it in a trash container a few steps away from where we stood.
“A little bit of both, I guess. But I messed up a few days ago. That’s why he’s acting out. Flirting with the servers, etcetera.”
CJ’s specialty. I don’t think he can help it. It must be automatic. Since the first day I met him, he’s been on a mission to flirt with any and all servers that crossed his path. But I wasn’t going to say any of that to David.
“He really likes you,” I said to him instead. It was the truth. “He liked you from day one. Remember your first day with me? I met you both the same day, actually. And when he saw you outside the restaurant … he was immediately drawn to you.”
David laughed. “Yeah, well, he drooled for Caleb for weeks.”
“It doesn’t count,” I replied with a smile. “Everyone drooled for Caleb. I know I did. Foryears. The girls at school would faint as he walked by. He was a legend.” I smiled a silly smile that quickly melted off my face.
An invisible hand knifed my gut like butter. The burning sensation stationed itself there and wasn’t planning to leave. My hands moved to my stomach involuntarily as if trying to stop the pain somehow. But again, invisible. There was nothing I could do to defend myself.
My mind went to the day I met Caleb. He was 22 and out-of-this-world beautiful, so different from anyone I’ve ever seen. He was the first guy to ever give me butterflies. And he’d been so tender when we met. The way he talked and moved around me, as if afraid I’d break. And yeah, I was so fragile then.
Inside and out.
But I’ve toughened up since then. Not enough, though, I’m afraid. Still a work in progress. My new goal was to be at aCecilelevel on theHarden the Fuck Upscale.
David extended his hand and offered me a napkin, and that’s when I realized I was crying. I didn’t even notice him stepping away from me to fetch it.
I asked for another cigarette as I patted my face gently to dry it off. But the tears wouldn’t stop the constant dripping. So I tossed the napkin in the garbage bin and let it be.
One more cigarette, I said to myself, and then I’d go back.
David lit me up again like the good chap he was, and I took a deep, lazy drag.
After deciding to stop fighting the tears, I closed my eyes and whiffed the smoke upward when a low, husky voice I could recognize even after a lobotomy said, “David, if you wouldn’t mind, I’ll take it from here.”
Go
MY BODY TENSED UP, sensing William’s towering presence behind me. I quickly brushed off the tears, unsure about wanting to turn around or not, but I had to at some point—even if it was to escape him. And William wasn’t going anywhere or allowing me to leave. That much I knew.
Having just admitted my feelings for William to Nolan made me panic. Almost afraid he would be able to notice that fact in my face if I allowed him to see me. And now more than ever, I had to conceal them from him because I didn’t know what I would do yet. I didn’t even want to think about it. Not when he stood so close to me.
It was probably wrong of me to confess my feelings to Nolan because by putting my thoughts into words, I gave them life. I made them real—official. And my fear was they would plot and turn against me or deceive me somehow.
“Could you have someone tell Nathan I’m okay?” I asked David. “That I’ll be back in a few minutes?”
“Few minutes,” William scoffed. He was damn right. With William, it could never bea few minutes. But at least I planned to keep this conversation as short as possible.
