Page 53 of Awestruck at Dusk
We’re not even close to being done with this conversation; he’d told me at the hospital after saying how he wouldn’t stop anymore. I didn’t know when to expect him to throw more truths in my face. But he did every single time he could. And I was sure right now wouldn’t be the exception.
“Yes, Miss Murphy,” David replied. “I’ll be right outside the kitchen.” And with that, David left us, clicking on his earpiece. The cooks that were smoking beside us were gone too. It was just the two of us now out in the somewhat chilly evening.
“Hey,” he said, walking around me, plucking the cigarette from my fingers and tossing it away, still looking impeccable from head to toe. “You have to quit this shit.”
I know.
“And you need to come back to the party.”
I know.
“Right now,” he said, his tone businesslike and sexy as hell, and again … somewhat ruining the self-induced miserable state I found myself in.
My hands felt empty. I had no security cigarette or wineglass to hold on to. I’d have to use words to fill in the silence. It’s so easy to put a cigarette on your lips or take a sip of your wine instead of answering someone’s question. Those two simple actions are replies of their own.
But again, I had nothing but words as an option to deal with my exchange with William.
“I’m not ready to go back yet.”
“What’s wrong?” he asked, taking a step my way. “You’ve been crying.” A statement.
I took my hands to my face because he saidcrying, and apparently, that’s my eyes’ cue to do their thing where they try to dull the pain by shedding tears. And yeah, that’s the way it works, chemically speaking.
The next thing I know, William pulled me in against the hard line of his body, his arms tight around my shoulders. The embrace too familiar and comforting to pull away from.
My left hand and my forehead moved to his chest, where, as always, I surrendered to him. To the warm solace.
“This is why I didn’t want to go out tonight,” I said, feeling his chest heaving. And I didn’t want to be weak, but I didn’t know how to be strong either. At least not all the time. It was exhausting.
I was tired of feeling like I was this fragile thing that needed to be handled with care. That’s why it was easier to stay home. I didn’t mind being pathetic in the comfort of my bed. But to expose myself like this … vulnerable. I began to feel like a broken record.
“Caleb?” William asked. I nodded against his chest as he took a slow breath in, his heart beating hard against my face.
William’s hands traveled down my waist, locking me in after I tried pulling away from him. I looked up to meet his gaze and the overwhelming awareness of it, all fixed on me.
“You need to let me go,” I said in a breath. I knew I couldn’t fight him off or push him away because I didn’t want to. And I needed him to meet me halfway. “Please.”
“I swear I would if your body wouldn’t be begging me to hold you.”
I let my forehead crash against him again and said, “I need to get this off my chest right now, and I can’t if you—”
William’s hands dropped from my waist, shutting me up. His warm body flush against mine.That’s halfway. All I had to do now was take a step back. So I did, ignoring my body’s hissy fit while I was at it.
And I didn’t want to think about how I pretended like time had stopped because it didn’t. I stalled because I yearned for that closeness just like he did.
I hugged myself and rubbed my right arm to compensate for the sudden temperature change. William noticed. But he had no jacket on. I knew it would’ve already been over my shoulders if he did. He seemed annoyed to not be able to help with that.
I looked away and shook my head twice, fast, trying to shake off the distractions. I needed to get my thoughts and feelings about Caleb out right now if I wanted to go back inside.
“I don’t know how I’ll ever recover from this.No oneknew me as Caleb did—cared for me in the way he did. And sometimes I wonder …” I didn’t want to compare or give William the wrong idea. I had Nathan. He loved me and made me happy. But my relationship with Caleb was unique—unconditional. Eternal. And I lost that.
“And you think that what? That no one will ever know you more, care about you more …love youmore than he did?” He asked, but I knew it was rhetorical. And he didn’t give me the space to reply because he continued. “That’snotyour case. Or if it is, then why are you still with Nathan? Doesn’t he—”
“Ididn’tsay that.” I stopped him cold. That was my fear. That he would think that I was implying this had something to do with Nathan when it didn’t. “But if you want to talk about it, I have no problem unraveling this mess of a feeling and try to lay it out for you,” I offered.
His silence followed by a gentle shrug and a bob of his head indicated he wanted me to continue. It would be awkward, but I couldn’t afford to mix things up and confuse him.
“Nathan’s my boyfriend, and he loves me, and he’s great, okay. But he’sallboyfriend. And Caleb offered me an unconditional friendship, a sense of protection that went above and beyond anything I’ve ever known. Oddly, complementing my relationship with Nathan.”
