Page 24 of Caleb
“I know enough,” I say, instantly regretting having said that the moment the words left my lips. I don’t need her to get any ideas about me ever talking about the thingsIknow regarding her mother’s death. “But sometimes talking about things makes things feel better.”
She can do the talking, and I will listen to everything she has to say, but never the other way around. I should keep my wits to myself around this girl. I’m sure she could trick me into talking in two seconds. I can’t allow myself to get distracted.
Miss Murphy stands up. “I think we should go,” she says, adjusting the strap of her purse on her shoulder. “Can I just ask you something?”
Shit.
“Anything, Miss Murphy.”Just not anything related to your mother.
“Can you promise to tell me if there’s any new information regarding my mother’s death as soon as you find out about it?” she says, studying me as if scanning my gestures for bullshit. “They keep telling me how they still don’t know who did it … or why.”
That’s the version her father’s been feeding her, but everyone else knows it’s fiction. Everyone but her, when she’s the one who wants to know what happened the most and would benefit from the truth.
I wordlessly respond to her request with a sharp nod and a tight smile. And those two gestures were the first lies I told her.
Go Out. Let Loose. Get Laid.
WE’VE GOT THE WHITE FLOWERSand are now headed back to the Residence. This is the longest outing we’ve been on, aside from going to school. As usual, Miss Murphy seems withdrawn on the ride back and intermittently brings the flowers closer to her nose to smell them. I wonder if she’s thinking about our conversation. I know my head is all over the place.
It didn’t feel right to lie to her. And the worst part is that I better start getting used to it. Quick. Because I’m sure this will not be the last time she ever approaches me with questions, and there’s no way to bypass them. The way she looked at me when she asked about her mother was a mixture of both a plea and a demand.
It’s best if I take a step back.
I shouldn’t have allowed myself to get too close to her, to give in to my selfishness.
Talking to her just now about such delicate and personal matters is already making me feel uneasy. Like I’ve crossed a line. Because I did. It’s just so hard not to cross it when it’s imperceptible, and the person standing on the other side is essentially dragging you toward them.
I don’t usually find it hard to set boundaries and respect them. I’m unyielding about this sort of thing. That was one of the main issues with my relationships back home. I kept people at arm’s length. Close enough for them to feel like they’re in my orbit, but not enough for them to be able to figure me, my feelings, and thoughts out entirely.
Miss Murphy’s been the exception to this rule. Not only am I finding it difficult towantto set boundaries, but I’m finding myself wanting to reach out. Constantly. To the point that it’s becoming uncomfortable. It’s like I have no control over myself, and it doesn’t make any sense. The pull, the need, the overprotectiveness. None of it!
And now, I’ve just spilled my guts and laid the stormiest parts of my brain and heart out to her, and the worst part is that I’d do it again because it felt so good to have that affinity. Uneasiness and all. Boundaries crossed and all.
Make it make sense.
Aaron kills the engine and shoots me with his signature mean side-eye. It’s not even a warning. It’s more of abrace yourself for impactkind of look.
All I do is frown and step out of the vehicle to open Miss Murphy’s door and help her with the flowers. Aaron’s scary looks ain’t got nothing on me. Only this time, I know it’s not a playfully annoyed warning or him thinking I’m being cute with the banter we stretch out throughout the day to keep things relaxed while we’re working. I’m expecting to be lectured about my behavior. He’ll probably want to remind me of my place.
“Let me help you with those,” I say to Miss Murphy before she steps out of the car. I’m about to take the flowers from her grasp when Aaron steps in and grabs them himself.
“I got it.” He shoos me away with his chin, “inviting me” to leave. I’ll take it. I nod and turn around to head back to my room, feeling somewhat annoyed. With myself. With the situation. With the memories of the attack merrily floating on the surface of my mind.
“Good night, Caleb!” Miss Murphy calls out. I look over my shoulder and meet her gaze from a few feet away. “Thanks again!” Her tone is softer when she says that. She then strikes me with a conspiratorial look and walks away after I say, “Of course,” and “Good night.”
After tapping my chest to feel my cigarette box inside my jacket pocket, I walk away and ask the guard posted at the main door to let me out. I need a fucking smoke.
Once I’ve walked far enough from the main door toward the boutiques next door, I light one up and take a long hit. I wait a few seconds longer than usual to let out a heavy plume of smoke above me, hoping it’ll relax me faster.
It doesn’t.
My back’s leaning against the wall, and I’m pinching the bridge of my nose because Yon’s last words, “A life for a life,” are now playing on a loop inside my head, and I can’t seem to make it stop. I should’ve known better than to open that door. I’d managed to do an okay job of keeping the demons at bay these past few months, but now I’ve let them loose, and I am not in the right headspace to hunt them down and reel them back in. Not right now.
Contemplating my overall state of mind, I drop the cigarette stub, crush it with my heel, and light up another.
“Whatthe fuckdo you think you’re doing, Caleb?” Aaron says, fast approaching me. Here we go. “You’re playing with fire. You have no fucking clue what her father is like.Reallylike. What lengths he’s willing to go to if it means protecting his daughter. Do you think it’s wise for you, herbodyguard, to try to get close to her that way? This isn’t a motherfucking summer camp. You’re not here to bond with her. You’re here to work.”
I take another long drag of my cigarette and keep my mouth shut because it’s obviously Aaron’s turn to talk. I don’t even know if I’ll get a chance to talk. But I know the smart thing is to let him speak and listen to what he has to say. So far, he’s making perfect sense to me, and his arguments are accurate as fuck.
