Page 148 of Lovestruck at Sundown
March 19, 2012
Concentrating atwork had been a chore. It was the anniversary of Caleb’s death, and even if I considered I’d done an excellent job at keeping myself calm and emotionally stable, unlike last year in Vegas, all I could think of was him and how much I missed him. Beyond feeling low or gloomy, it was more about my mind being consumed by my thoughts all day.
After graduation, I was offered a full-time position at the magazine. I was given a more active role within the in-house photography department that dealt with every project that didn’t involve a celebrity photographer. I was as low as one could be in the corporate food chain, but I adored my job. The fast-paced and challenging atmosphere served as a stimulating learning platform. It also kept my mind busy from repetitive thoughts regarding my long-distance relationship with William and the growing communication void between me and my father.
Aaron and I talked about Caleb on the way home from work and shared stories we remembered about him with smiles on our faces. It was comforting to have someone I could talk to aboutCaleb. Someone who knew and loved and missed him as much as I did.
When I got home, I changed into gym clothes and ran three miles on the treadmill. As usual, I’d left work a bit late, so running outside wasn’t an option. It was cold out and only getting colder as the seconds ticked by. But once I was done, I threw on gloves, a beanie, and a puffy down jacket and walked up to the rooftop to breathe some cool fresh air to clear my mind.
Pushing the door open, I stepped onto the rooftop, hearing the metal banging shut behind me. I couldn’t remember the last time I came up here, but I felt like it had been ages. It was quiet and serene. Well, as quiet as it could be in New York City. The bustling sounds from below served as a familiar backdrop of white noise.
I missed Mom. Caleb. William. And even my dad, as fucked up as that was. As time passed, my mind managed to bury the ugly memories of him and keep the good ones freshly pressed and folded into a neat stack under his name. But I didn’t know how to start fixing our relationship or if he was even interested in doing so. His lack of contact spoke volumes, so I’d been letting things be.
William was in Prague in the middle of filmingSavages, an independent film he was also invited to star in and produce, which would be shown and presented at the Cannes Film Festival next year. He was proud and excited about working on this project.
Bringing William to the top of my mind made my phone itch between my fingers. I knew better than to keep googling his name and following his hashtag on Twitter. But I couldn’t help myself.
I’d talked to him on the phone this morning on my way to work while he was on a break from filming. His schedule wasn’t as demanding as it used to be when working on the HaldorStormbreaker film, but the time difference with Europe made it feel like we were living on two different planets.
I rested my forearms on the railing and unlocked my phone. All I had to do was pull up my Twitter feed to get the latest scoop on William. At least the press had forgotten about me. Thanks to Naomi’s efforts to keep the media at bay and the months spent apart, the general public had lost interest in William Sjöberg’s girlfriend.
The paparazzi harassment had stopped, too. Some speculated we weren’t even dating anymore. Having people think we weren’t together stung my pride, but having a private relationship was more manageable and peaceful than one under constant public scrutiny.
As I mindlessly scrolled through my Twitter feed with my secret user, which I only used for this purpose, I stumbled upon a post that shared behind-the-scenes photos of William in the charming streets of Prague.
The caption read:Sizzling chemistry! William Sjöberg and co-star Evelyn Rudolf bring romance to life. Tap for exclusive behind-the-scenes photos. #Savages
It was funny how 140 characters had the power to make the uneasiness tug at my chest. But obedient as I was when it came to these catchy headlines, I tapped away.
The tweet had over 50,000 likes, 232 shares, and 182 comments. I skipped the comment section because I’d learned the hard way to avoid them at all costs, but the photos … those I wanted to see.
Tap.
The photos loaded, and my heart sank. William and Evelyn were kissing in the beautiful streets of Old Town Prague. I’d been there before and found it to be an awfully romantic city.
I knew the movie would have kissing and mild intimate scenes; Williamhad been kind as always to inform me about it. He also mentioned he didn’t know Evelyn since she was an up-and-coming actress paving her way through more minor or secondary roles. This was going to be her first significant starring role, and alongside William, it was undoubtedly catapulting her into greater fame and success in the industry. Good for her. She was gorgeous and British and … a redhead.
Jealousy made my stomach turn as I masochistically kept scrolling through the photos and zooming in on them here and there.
The way William looked at Evelyn with awe, like she was the most striking, interesting, and lovely creature to ever walk the Earth, made me wish he hadn’t been blessed with such compelling and talented acting skills. But that was why William was who he was and had acquired the fame he had from a young age. And he wasn’t just good at what he did. He was wanting-to-empty-the-contents-of-my-stomach convincingly impressive.
The photos devastated me, and it almost hurt to breathe. The jealousy was hot, viscous, and marrow-deep. But mostly, I was tired of pretending I didn’t feel a thing. Of pretending I was okay with this being my reality. But whenever I talked to William, he made me feel like the most important person in his life. I couldfeelhis love pouring out from the phone and the pain in his voice when he told me how much he loved me and missed me and wished we didn’t have to be apart.
If he was as miserable as me to be apart from each other, then maybe I needn’t say anything about it. I didn’t want to fight him when he was away. We argued once when he was still in Los Angeles, and the next five days had been torture. The agony of being unable to see him to resolve our issues face-to-face was taxing. And in my fearful panic of losing him, I promised myself I would choose my battles and avoid anyheated discussions while he was away.
Swallowing past the vile rising in my throat, I clicked back on the tweet to read the comments. I was going to break my personal rule of reading what people had to say, and I couldn’t make myself care. But before I could pull up the thread, a powerful and unexpected gust of freezing wind hit me in the face so hard my phone almost slipped from my grasp. I clung to my phone and took a precautionary step back from the railing. That was a close call. For a second, I could see myself rushing down to the lobby to retrieve the pieces of my shattered phone from the sidewalk.
After taking a deep breath, I unlocked my phone to read the comments, and again, that dreadful wind returned without warning. My phone was knocked out of my hold, landing on the floor with a thud.
“Caleb?” I called out loud, feeling a little absurd for saying his name like that, with certainty. For thinking the wind could’ve been him.
I picked up my phone, and the violent rush of wind slowed into a calm breeze.
“Okay, okay,” I conceded, slipping my phone into my pocket and giving up on my self-destructive quest that only led to pain. “I won’t read the comment section.” Smiling, I looked up at the starless sky and rocked back on my heels.
The wind picked up and swirled around me as I headed back inside.
Even if you won’t be able to see me, you’ll know I’m right there with you.
