Page 166 of Lovestruck at Sundown
“And they say romance is dead,” I joked, earning me a playful retaliation as William began tickling me. He was the most thoughtful and romantic person I knew. “Stop!” He twirled me on the bed so I would face him. I ran a hand through his hair and combed it away from his face with my fingers. “Do you think about having kids one day?”
“All the time.” He hooked his finger on the elastic waistband of my pajama shorts, tugging them down in a slow, torturous way. “How about we start right now?”
“Ha, ha.” I used all the self-control I could muster to slap his hand away. I couldn’t give in to his charms right now. There were important things that needed to be discussed before he left for God knew how many months.
“I do think about having kids one day,” he admitted, offering me a naughty smile. “Three.”
My jaw dropped. “Three?” I squeaked, making William laugh.
“At least,” he reiterated. “How about you?”
I rolled on my back and stared at the ceiling, resting my hands on my stomach. “Marriage terrifies me. And I don’t haveexperience dealing with children. So those terrify me as well.” I let out a sad, nervous chuckle. “I think the possibility of failing miserably at both is what gives me pause. And when I look at you …” I turned to face him again, to cup his gorgeous face between my hands. “It makes me want to ignore my internal alarms and just do and try everything with you, and I think that’s even more terrifying because I would never want to make you feel trapped or obligated to be with me. And knowing how and when to let go of the person you love is something I don’t know if I’ll ever learn to do when it comes to you.”
William hugged me tight against his chest. “Why does it feel like you’re saying goodbye?”
“Because you’re leaving tomorrow,” I lied. I didn’t want to have to say goodbye to him. Ever. And that was the point. A part of me thought it would be easier to end things now rather than ten years down the road with a few innocent kids in the mix. But I needed to let my fears and insecurities run wild, or I would never find it in me to connect with this vulnerable part of me if I restrained it. I would shut it away and proceed to ignore it. But it would inevitably flare up if given the chance.
“What if you get sick of me?” I continued with the speculations. “What if, down the road, you find plain old non-celebrity me not as exciting, young, or beautiful as any of your stunning co-stars who would be willing to sign away whatever NDA you provide them to make your wildest dreams come true at the snap of your fingers.”
“Youare my wildest dream, Guillermina,” he said, his warm, minty breath caressing my face like a promise.
“I might be now, but you have so much temptation surrounding you. You have so many options to choose from. There are so many women willing to do whatever it takes to take my place, and if that happened, I don’t think I’d everrecover from the devastation.”
“And you don’t think I feel the same way?” he mused. “That you will get sick of me being away all the time? Sick of the tabloid gossip? You don’t think I’m afraid you will eventually grow lonely, and someone will show up and sweep you off your feet? Someone who will give you a more stable and predictable life? Someone that—”
“All I’ll ever want is you,” I stopped him. “And I know you think that, too. That I’m all you’ll ever want. But I don’t know how to stop being afraid. Your dad cheated on your mom multiple times and even had Zara on the side. My dad cheated on my mom. My mom cheated on my dad and got pregnant.” My voice trembled with the reminder of the baby that never got to live. I pressed my eyes with the ball of my hands and rubbed them. “We both have the cheating gene in our DNA, so what if we can’t help ourselves just as our parents couldn’t?”
“I don’t think that’s a proven scientific theory.” William chuckled. “Fidelity is a choice. There’s always a choice, a moment when you’re standing on the threshold, and you either walk in or walk away. And I promise, as long as you and I are together, I won’t even get near that threshold.”
“But you have so many thresholds running around you,” I joked with a hiccup as a few rogue tears streamed down my emotionally spent face. William snorted a laugh and hugged me again.
“So what then?” He kissed my collarbone.
“We roll the dice and hope for the best.” I shrugged.
“I don’t like the sound of that.”
“We take it day by day,” I said. “We make the active decision to choose each other, and if even an outline of a threshold appears, we’ll let the other know before we even think of crossing it.” I leaned in and pressed a kiss on the edge of his lips. “Youshouldn’t feel obligated to be with me as much as I shouldn’t feel obligated to be with you. We have to be realistic about our situation. Spending so much time apart is not ideal, especially when your work involves kissing other people and pretending to be intimate with them. All we can do is promise each other to be open and honest about where we stand along the way.”
He sighed.
I sighed.
“What if we removed the distance variable from the equation?” he proposed. “Let’s take a chance and go to L.A. together after I’m done with the press tour.”
“William, we’ve talked about this.”
“I know, but you’ve graduated, and I could help you get a job in any magazine you choose. And when I’m done with the MC Comics films in a few years, we can come back to New York or stay in L.A.—whatever you want.”
I stared into William’s eyes, silently considering his plan. A part of me wanted to take that leap of faith and end the agony of being apart for so long, but where would it get me? I needed to reel in the impulse to please him and consider my true feelings. I’d sacrificed so much freedom to do and be and move around in the past and witnessed firsthand what following my dad’s footsteps did to my mother.
We had established we weren’t our parents and wouldn’t allow ourselves to make the same mistakes, but I was still scared of losing myself in the process of letting go of my dreams to follow William’s.
New York was where I wanted to be, and I knew William felt the same way. Whenever he left, he went on and on about how much he missed New York, how the West Coast culture wasn’t his thing, and how he missed the snow in the winter. Unfortunately, he didn’t have a choice, but I did.
In a few days, Abigail Jennings would interview Maya Chen, a famous contemporary artist known for her boundary-pushing work. She specialized in installations that challenged traditional notions of art and provoked deep reflection on cultural and societal issues. Abigail wanted me to be present for all the interviews to learn more about the person’s life and career, making it easier for me to capture their essence. Maya Chen would be the first person to sit for a portrait, and I was freaking pumped.
Amidst all the drama and the unveiled secrets of the past few hours, the idea of being involved in this project gave me a reason to want to push ahead despite the emotional turmoil. I couldn’t let myself get stuck in the slimy puddles of my past, but I realized I had control over my future.
