Page 86 of Veinblood
“Which means she’s in danger. She has no papers to identify her, no contacts to make sure she’s safe, and?—”
“She’s not the same girl you brought to Ravencross, Sacha. Ellie isn’t helpless any longer. She’s Stormvein.”
I understand what he’s saying. I’ve witnessed how she grew from a confused outsider to someone capable of channeling power that can control storms. But having power doesn’t eliminate having vulnerability. I can testify to that. In fact, it often creates new forms of it.
“Power without experience is as dangerous to the wielder as it can be to their enemies. She may be Stormvein, but she’s still learning what that means.”
“She’s no longer unprepared,” Varam counters. “She has livedin our world for months now. She’s faced Sereven beside you. She used her powers to bring you back from the brink of death.”
“I know she’s capable, but sheisalone. I also know that she wouldn’t want me to abandon these people.” My voice roughens despite my efforts to stay controlled. The competing loyalties tear at me. “Iknowthat. But I don’t know if I would be able to live with myself if something happens to her while I’m here.”
The admission falls into silence. In all the years Varam has known me, through every battle and crisis, I’ve never let personal feelings override duty. The fact that I’m even considering it now shows how completely Ellie has altered my nature.
He steps closer, his voice dropping. “You can’t be everywhere at once, and you can’t be responsible for every life that might be lost because of the choices you make. Sometimes all you can do is make a decision that serves the most people, and trust others to handle their own battles.”
I’ve made similar decisions countless times over the years, weighing lives against missions, immediate needs against long-term strategy. But logic provides cold comfort when the person at risk holds half your soul.
“You didn’t see her when we thought you’d been killed.” His voice softens. “She was strong, Sacha,morethan strong. She was steel wrapped in determination. She stood in front of a room full of seasoned fighters and made them listen. And at Glassfall Gap? She held her own against trained soldiers while channeling power that should have torn her apart. That woman is fierce and resourceful, and she will survive whatever she’s facing.”
The truth of his words forces me to face the reality I’ve been avoiding. Either choice involves risk, sacrifice, and the possibility of irreversible consequences. Both choices require trusting in something I can’t control—either Ellie’s strength and resourcefulness, or the loyalty of villagers who have already risked everything for strangers.
But Varam has always been better at accepting the limitations of what we can control than me. He focuses his energy on the things that can be influenced rather than torturing himself over things that can’t. It’s one of the qualities that makes him an exceptional second-in-command, and one I’ve never mastered.
“And if she dies while I’m here?”
“Then she dies knowing that hundreds of people live because you chose duty over desire. She dies knowing her sacrifice meant something, and contributed to something larger than personal happiness.”
He’s not wrong. Ellie would understand my decision to stay here and protect my people. She’s seen enough of what the Authority does to grasp the stakes. But understanding doesn’t make the choice less agonizing. The bond between us carries not just her emotions, but the echo of her presence, the knowledge that part of my soul exists wherever she is. Choosing to stay here feels like choosing to cut away part of myself.
“You can’t hold yourself responsible for everyone we’ve lost.”
“Every person who dies because of choices I make become part of my debt. The blacksmith, the fighters who fell atGlassfall Gap rescuing me, everyone who fought while I was imprisoned. Each death adds to the weight of what I owe.”
“But you can’t carry all of that and still function as a leader.”
“Can’t I?” Leadership has always meant accepting responsibility for consequences. “Someone has to remember what these choices cost.”
“And you’ve decided that someone is you.”
“Isn’t that what being the Vareth’el means? Carrying the weight so others can remain free of it?”
Varam watches me with the patience of someone who has waited through years of my internal struggles. His presence grounds me in ways that few things can. He’s the closest thing to family I have left, the one person whose loyalty has never wavered, despite countless opportunities for betrayal or abandonment. More than that, he’s the one person who truly understands the burden of command, the isolation that comes with making decisions that determine who lives and who dies.
How many times has he watched me struggle with decisions that have no clean solutions, where every path forward demands sacrifices?
“Is that how you see Ellie? As debt you have to repay?”
“No.” I don’t even need to think about my answer. “She’s essential.”
Essential. The word doesn’t capture what she’s become, or the way her absence creates a hollow ache that no amount of duty or purpose can fill completely. She’s essential like needing air to breathe, like the steady beat of my heart, like the wayblood needs to pump through my veins. She’s become part of my structure, and removing her would require rebuilding myself from nothing.
I laugh, the sound startling me with its bitterness. “The terrible irony is that staying here requires choices that could cost me the woman who has become everything to me.”
“Or it might require you trusting that she’s strong enough to handle her own challenges while you handle yours.”
The bond carries traces of that strength. Even across the distance, I can feel the core of steel that runs through her, the refusal to break under pressure. It’s one of the things I admire most about her, and one of the things that fills me with dread when I imagine her facing overwhelming odds alone.
All my experience with strategy and tactics, all my knowledge of the Authority’s methods and weaknesses, all my understanding of how to survive in hostile territory—none of it will help Ellie if I can’t reach her.
