Page 112 of Ghosts Don't Cry
His jaw pops, muscle ticking. “That’s not fair.”
“Fair?” I laugh, the sound loud and shrill. The move sends a jab of pain through my lip, pulling the stitches. “You want to talk about fair? I’m about to lose my job. Everything I’ve spent years working for and building. Andyouhave the nerve to stand there and tell me what’s fair?”
“I never wanted this for you?—”
“Then whatdidyou want, Ronan? Because I sure as fuck don’t know!” Tears burn the back of my eyes, and I hate it. I hate that he can see them. I hate that after all this time, hestillhas this power over me. “I never knew. You never gave me the chance to understand what you wanted. You just decided for both of us that I couldn’t handle whatever truth you were hiding.”
“Because youcouldn’thandle it.” He steps closer, tension vibrating off him in waves. “You couldn’t handle watching me destroy myself, watching as I became?—”
“Becamewhat?” I despise the weakness in my voice. “You never even gave me a chance to try. You just shut down and pushed me away. You made me think everything between us meant nothing. Well, congratulations. You got what you wanted, Ronan.”
“Do you really think that’s what I wanted?” He takes another step, and I back up until I hit my car. The metal is cold against my spine. “Do you think I enjoyed hurting you?”
“Don’t!” I slam my hands against his chest and shove. He doesn’t move. It makes me even angrier. “Don’t act like you were protecting me. You were protectingyourself. Because that’s what you do, isn’t it? You run. You hide. And you push away anyone who dares to care about you.”
“I did what I had to do. I’m not going to apologize for it.”
“No!” I shove him again, harder, my palms stinging with the impact. “You did what was easy …safe. Because, god fucking forbid, you actually let someone in and see past those walls you built.”
“Easy?”It’s his turn to laugh, all sharp edges and brittle. “You think any of that was fucking easy? Watching you refuse to give up on me when you should have walked away? Watching you try to fix me?”
“I never wanted tofixyou!” The words tear from my throat. “Don’t you get that? I wanted toloveyou! But you?—”
Warm hands curve over my cheeks, and his mouth lands on mine. Pain shoots through my lip, but the storm of other sensations pushes it aside. The kiss isn’t gentle, it’s desperation and fury, and years of unsaid words. His fingers tangle in my hair, tilting my head back as his tongue sweeps into my mouth. My hands slide up his chest, over his shoulders, nails digginginto his skin through his shirt. I don’t know if I’m trying to push him away or pull him closer.
He tastes of coffee, and anger, and everything I’ve spent years pretending I didn’t miss. My back presses harder against the car as he moves closer, one hand dropping to my hip, while the other buries deeper into my hair. A sound escapes me, half-protest, half need, and he swallows it, kissing me harder,deeper, like he’s trying to steal every word I just hurled at him.
The pressure on my lips makes the stitches pull, and the sharp pain drags me back to myself.
I twist away. “Don’t!”
“Phare.”
“No!” My voice breaks again. “You don’t get to call me that. And youdefinitelydon’t get to kiss me like that, and act like you have the right to touch me. To—” I swipe angrily at the tears spilling down my cheeks.
“I never stopped wanting to.” I almost miss his words, he says them so quietly. “I never stopped wanting you.”
“Then why did you send me away?” I can’t help but ask.
His lashes lower, veiling his eyes. “Because I couldn’t watch you try to save someone who didn’t want to be saved.”
“That wasn’t your choice to make.”
“It was the only choice I had!” His voice rises, and heads turn toward us in the parking lot. “I was drowning, Lily. And you kept trying to throw me lifelines I didn’t deserve.”
“That’s what love is!” I shove him again, tears falling faster. “It’s being there even when it hurts. It’s fighting when the other person won’t fight for themselves. It’s?—”
“Is it watching someone you love destroy themselves?” His laugh is low and bitter. “Is that what you really wanted to do, Lily?”
“I wanted you to let me in. I wanted you to trust that I was strong enough to handle what you were dealing with. I wanted…” My voice wobbles, and I pause to take in a shaky breath. “I wanted you to believe that loving you wasn’t a mistake.”
He stares at me, and then his chest moves beneath my palm as he sucks in a deep breath. “I was dying, Lily.” His voice is quiet now. “I was dying, and I couldn’t let you watch that happen.”
The words twist something inside me. Another fucking metaphor. Another way of excusing the fact he pushed me away.
“So you made me watch you disappear instead, and let me think I meant nothing to you? That was the better option?”
“It was the only way I knew how to?—”
