Page 50 of Ghosts Don't Cry
“No? Then why?” I tap my lips, letting my eyes slide over her. “Are you curious what five years inside did to me? Want to know if I’ve learned any lessons?”
“You didn’t deserve?—”
“You have no fucking idea about what I deserved.”
She flinches at the bite in my voice, but stands her ground. “Iknowyou. Better than anyone. I saw past every wall you built, every lie you told, and every time you tried to convince yourself you weren’t worth saving.”
The truth of it burns, but I can’t let her see that. I can’t allow her to break through the armor I’ve spent years building.
“You saw what you wanted to see.” My tone is dismissive. “The project. The charity case. The broken kid sleeping in abandoned buildings that you could save to prove you were better than everyone else in this fucking town.”
“That isn’t true. I sawyou.I saw a boy who wrote in book margins, and looked at me like …” She shakes her head again, pressing her lips together.
The move brings my eyes to her mouth, and the need to touch her is so strong, I almost reach out. Instead, I laugh, a harsh, brittle sound, my lip curling.
“Go home, Lily.” I start to turn away.
“You won’t even look at me,” she whispers. “Just like in the courtroom.”
Her words burrow under my skin. “Don’t.”
“Don’t what? Talk about how you shut down, or ask why you pulled away from me?”
“You have no fucking idea what you’re talking about.”
“That’s why I’m asking! I know you better than anyone, but the way you behaved didn’t make sense.”
“You only knew what I wanted you to know. You were as blind as everyone else to the truth.”
“That isn’t how it was. Stop trying to turn it into something ugly. I remember the notes you’d leave for me.”
“Don’t you get it? I wrote what you wanted to hear.” I choose each word to cut. “I played my part. The damaged kid learning to trust. A lost soul finding his way. It must have made you feel pretty fucking special, thinking you were the only one who could save me.”
“Stop it!”
“Why? The truth is I was hungry and cold, and you offered food and warmth.”
“That’s not all it was. Ilovedyou, and you loved me. You can lie about everything else, but don’t lie about that.”
“We hadnothing.” The lie burns on its way out. “I was a scared kid pretending they cared because it was better than being alone. And you …” I shrug. “You were an easy mark.”
“Shut up!” She moves too fast for me to avoid, and her fingers twist into the front of my shirt. “You don’t get to do this. You don’t get to pretend what we had wasn’t real.”
Before I can stop myself, my hands fall to her waist. I spin us both until her back hits the wall beside the door. She gasps, her hands tightening in my shirt.
“Is this what you want, Lily?” My voice is rough, a mix of anger and desperation. “Do you want to prove you still reach me? Are you still trying to save me?”
“I want the truth.” Her breath fans across my face, and everything in me aches to close the distance between us. To taste her, and ignore all the reasons why I can’t let this happen.
“The truth?” I lean closer, letting her feel the hardness of my chest, the strength that prison helped to build. “The truth is simple. I’m not that boy anymore, and you still can’t fix what’s broken inside me. The truth, Lily, is that you need to forget whatever fantasy you’ve built about me, because the kid you knew died the second those cuffs went on his wrists.”
She makes a sound like I’ve physically hurt her, but her hands don’t loosen their grip. “I don’t believe you.”
“Is that right?” I press closer, using my body to trap her against the wall. “Look at me, Lily.Reallylook. You see your precious project here? The one you wrote all those pretty notes to?”
“Stop it.” Tears are filling her eyes now, but she doesn’t look away. She never fucking could.
“Why?” I reach up and grasp her wrists, pulling her grip free from my shirt, and pin them above her head. “Because it hurts or because you don’t want to admit you fell for lies? You never loved me, Lily. You loved how helping me made you feel. Poor, broken Ronan, burning up with fever in that factory.” I allow myself to smirk. “Bet you felt like the hero that day, didn’t you? Finding me, and feeding me like I was a stray dog you could tame.”
