Page 34 of Have a Bear-y Little Christmas
“He pretty much stopped eating, and we had to switch to TPN before they finally figured out his appendix was bothering him. They called the head of pediatrics in to do the surgery, but his flight was delayed, so Max’s appendix ended up rupturing. The poison was in him for a little over two hours. I had no idea such a tiny organ that we don’t even really use anymore could cause so much damage so rapidly. They warned me to brace for the worst, and I tried to, I really did, but every day I prayedto just about anyone I could think of to give my son a second chance.” This time I knew there was no way I was imagining the hitches in her words, but I didn’t point it out. Even if I wasn’t the most socially adept person, I knew that much.
“So yeah, at the time I’d see all these families with happy, healthy, and laughing kids. I knew they weren’t going to spend their Christmas worrying that their child might not see the dawn, and I hated them. I really did. I wish I hadn’t chosen to spend my energy that way, but at the same time, how could I not have.”
“I think I know what you mean.”
“You do?”
“Yeah. When my wife was approaching the end—you know, we had been preparing for that moment since we were teens—I’d see all these rom-coms playing on the TV in the hospital, or I’d see happy couples walking on the street, and sometimes I wished that, just for a moment, they could understand the hell I was living in.” I paused, letting our eyes lock yet again, and I saw a camaraderie for something I hadn’t even dared to admit to my own parents. “I wanted them to hurt like I was hurting, because it was so damn isolating. Of course, I’d realize the implications of everything I was thinking right away, and I’d try to kick those thoughts out of my head, but I think it would be a disservice to myself to pretend I hadn’t had those moments of weakness.
“We’re human, you know?” Well, not really on my part, but she didn’t need to know that. “We’re flawed, and we’re messy. The important thing is that even though you and I had those moments, we didn’t give in to them. We didn’t let that darkness and that bitterness win. And yeah, sometimes that hurt is still inside us, and sometimes it’s ugly, but that doesn’t make us bad parents or bad people.”
“You know, I don’t think I’ve ever told anyone what I told you,” she said.
I gave her what I hoped was a soft, comforting smile. After everything she and her son had been through, Jeannie deserved some tenderness. Some ease. And strangely enough, I wanted to give that to her.
“I haven’t exactly shared what I said before either.”
“Worried they’d judge you?”
I couldn’t believe I was discussing something so bleak and serious with a practical stranger, and yet it felt completely natural. Not awkward like it had been when I’d dropped the whole widower-bomb.
“It’s more that there was never really an appropriate time for me to bring it up. Or I didn’t know how.” But that wasn’t entirely it, was it? “And I suppose I didn’t really figure out that last part until now. Apparently saying it out loud makes a difference.”
“Funny how that works, isn’t it?” Jeannie asked with the tiniest chuckle.
“I don’t know if funny is the right word, but it might be leaning into irony.”
“I dunno, we’d have to ask Alanis Morrisette.”
“I wouldn’t really count her as an expert. None of the things she listed were actually ironic.”
“But doesn’t that in turn make the song ironic?”
“I think we’re getting too meta now. Much further and surely the simulation will collapse.”
“Hah! Can the next one do away with money?”
“Wouldn’t that be the dream?” While I lived quite comfortably and had our clan’s funds if times became hard, I knew I was lucky, and there were far too many people who didn’t have enough to fill their bellies.
“It’s in mine, that’s for sure. Well, that and Max being happy and healthy, but I’ve already gotten that, which isn’t what a lot of people can say.”
I nodded. “He does seem to be doing pretty great. And I’m sure he’s going to be spoiled rotten at your family Christmas.”
Jeannie’s expression, which had been drifting between delighted, introspective, and dreamy, turned sour. But it disappeared so fast, I thought I’d imagined it. I was all set to ask if I had said something wrong, but then Eva squealed.
“I see Santa’s Workshop!”
Had that much time passed already?
The tour was a half hour’s walk through a designated area downtown that culminated in a Winter Wonderland, including a highly stylized Santa’s Workshop at the center of the park. Had we really been walking and talking for that long already?
“Wow, would you look at that?” I said, wishing the tour was longer. Then again, if it was, I wasn’t sure Max would have been up for it, since he was having a harder day than normal. Given everything I’d learned about Jeannie in such a short amount of time, I was willing to bet that she’d chosen this tour specifically for its length because she knew what her son could handle. “Who’s ready to get their pictures with Kris Kringle?”
“I am.” Eva raced forward as fast as her legs would carry her. Addy, however, didn’t speed. She was still concentrated on navigating the wheelchair. Not wanting my youngest to get too far ahead, I whistled sharply, and she whirled around. “Whoopsies. Sorry, Max. I got excited.”
“It’s okay. I’d also be running if I was up for it. It’s like you were doing it for me.”
The way Eva beamed at him and wiggled happily reminded me of exactly how she was anytime Addy complimented her on a new word she used. “I’ll run for you whenever you want!” As if to prove herself, she raced all the way back to him, then ran forward again to the exact point where I’d stopped her. She was going to sleep like the dead once her head hit the pillow back home.
