Page 103 of Have a Bear-y Little Christmas
I wasn’t a complete dolt. I knew she wasn’treallycrying over the slow cooker. That was just the straw on top of the proverbialcamel’s back. I wished she hadn’t isolated herself like she had, but she did, and it was now hitting her that she didn’thaveto.
As frustrated as I was that she had faced so much on her own, that she had been hurting so unnecessarily, I kind of got it. She’d had to learn how to survive as a single parent for an entire decade. Those coping mechanisms didn’t vanish just because I came rolling up on the scene, no matter how badly I wanted that to be the case. It would take time to prove to Jeannie that she was safe and that she didn’t have to take on the world as a solo act anymore.
“I-I-I’m s-sorry for b-b-being so dram-m-matic,” she said between big, hitching breaths. “It’s just like n-now that I’ve star-started, I c-can’t stop!”
“The floodgates have really opened, huh?” I mused, kissing the top of her head. “That’s okay. The way I figure, you’re owed a couple years of crying.
“And for the record, I don’t think you’re being dramatic at all. You’re dealing with things that would be most people’s worst nightmares. Anybody who would call you that is out of their mind, and I wouldn’t trust a word they were saying anyway.”
I squeezed her slightly harder. While it wasn’t quite the deep pressure therapy that a medical service dog might use, I figured it was close enough to help. Right now, Jeannie’s parasympathetic system was going haywire with adrenaline from the emotional catharsis, maybe conflict over whether or not to believe she truly could have people fighting in her corner, guilt over leaving so many calls unanswered and texts unread. But none of that, absolutely none of that, meant she was dramatic. So I was fine to hold her, to give her whatever she needed, while she processed it.
“I wanted your help, I really did. There were so many times when I thought it would be nice to be able to hug you, or to have you make me laugh. But for the first couple of weeks, I wasso scared of Max getting the girls sick or even them bringing him something else that could make everything worse. I didn’t think I was a germaphobe before this, but I swear, I must have spent fourteen days straight running through a year’s worth of sanitizer and cleaning wipes. I was like a woman possessed.”
I nodded, continuing to rumble in my chest and slowly stroke her hair.
Maybe, once she was feeling slightly more herself, she’d let me wash it for her. I already had all the supplies from styling my own daughter’s hair, including the inflatable shampoo basin since it hurt their heads to lean into the sink. If I wasn’t so thoroughly concentrated on comforting Jeannie, I might have allowed myself to daydream about such an intimate act.
“And the crazy thing is, he’s gotten better. He’s almost back to the point he started at a month ago. You would think that would be some relief. But while his CBC came back completely clean, that doesn’t mean his cancer’s not back. We still have to wait for all these other tests, and I keep thinking that...”
She trailed off again, but I didn’t interrupt. I waited to see if she needed to cry, or maybe just find the right way to express herself. I’d long since found that even when I had turned something around in my head approximately fifty times in one day, it was still difficult to get it out of my mouth.
“What did you think, sweetheart? I promise, you can say whatever it is. I won’t judge you or take offense.”
“It’s stupid!”
Another long, gentle squeeze. “I assure you, nothing you could say could be stupid. Unless you’re about to go on a tangent about how the earth is flat or how empathy isn’t real.”
That earned the slightest chuckle from her. Even when my sweetheart was down and struggling, I could at least give her a glimmer of levity.
“No, not quite. But it feels like it’s on that level.”
“It’s not. I promise. Go ahead, lay it on me. If I’m lying, I’ll give all of my bear powers to you.”
Her eyes went wide and she seemed perhaps a little too keen on that idea. Granted, it was no surprise that my fearless, incredibly strong darling was interested in being a shifter. “You can do that?”
“Not really.” I chuckled. “At least, not that I know of. But there are a lot of legends about it. Although usually it’s from a shifter crossing some god or violating our internal laws and getting their animals stripped from them only to earn it back through a series of trials and lessons that have them learning the true responsibility that comes from being a shifter.”
“Ah, I see. Like Mjölnir.”
“S tes souhaits,” I said automatically before following it up with the English phrase. While Jeannie told me she’d learned a lot of Louisiana Creole, Haitian Creole, and Cape Verdean Creole from our holiday spent together, I wasn’t sure justhowmuch she’d picked up on. Plus, knowing her and her son, they might have started studying the languages. Hell, I wouldn’t have been surprised if she’d decided to pursue pidgin too. “Bless you. Also, Nice try at trying to change the topic.”
“It was worth a shot.” She waffled for a few more moments, but this time I could tell that whatever thought she was struggling with was circling closer and closer to the surface. “You see, when Max was really sick—and I meanreallysick, as in his medical team was telling me I needed to brace for the worst—I made this sort of deal. I don’t know if it was with God or the universe or even life itself, but I made a deal that if they got Max through everything, I’d never ask for anything again. That I would never want for a single thing for the rest of my life. All I needed was Max.
“But then you and the girls came along, and I finally allowed myself to want for more. You know? So when I got hit with thenews that his cancer might be back after these past few months of happiness, I couldn’t help but feel...”
“Like you broke your bargain,” I finished for her. Jeez, my heart was getting a full workout with all the squeezing, swelling, and aching for these two lovely humans with souls of gold. They didn’t deserve any of this. I wanted to wave my hand and take it all away, but one of the many things Zara had taught me was that it was important not to spend too much energy on wishes. That was better spent focusing on whatcouldbe done or changed.
“Yeah. Basically. I made a deal, and I violated that deal, so even though I know that’s not how it works, I guess I got caught up in feeling like I was the reason Max was sick again. AML is supposed to have an insanely low recurrence rate, so what other reason could there be for it?”
“Oh, Jeannie, sweetie, sugar,mon cher,I understand why you might think that, but I truly hate that you felt you had to blame yourself. None of this is your fault. Max isn’t sick again just because you’re dating.
“I know it can be incredibly hard to take time for yourself after depersonalizing Jeannie away from a beautiful, vivacious woman with a brain that truly amazes me into Jeannie the mother, sole caregiver and part-time nurse to a full-time sick kid, but I promise you haven’t broken any deals. There’s no great deity in the sky waiting to strike Max down because you’re finally experiencing happiness and getting just a fraction of the support you deserve.”
“I know, I know, I know,” she chanted into my chest. “But as much as I tell myself that, it just can’t quiet the noise or the fear.”
“I’m sorry, sweetheart, I really am.” I switched the stroking of her hair to gentle scalp scratches so I didn’t overstimulate her. “I won’t pretend that those kinds of things will just go away, but maybe once things are settled with Max and all of his tests comeback clear, we can get you into therapy. I think it would really help.”
“Idomiss it. I’ve gotten a lot of sessions here and there thanks to programs from the cancer center, but most of them are over once your kid is in remission, and it’s been hard to find time for them with all the work I’ve been taking on to try to save up for Max’s future. You know, now that he’s supposed to have one.”
