Page 12 of Have a Bear-y Little Christmas
“It’s my favorite Christmas, too.”
Chapter 5
Jeannie
Hold On Loosely, But Don’t Let Go
How hadthe week flown by so fast? One moment I was looking at the flyer at the community center, the next we were actually there, walking past the fairly crowded rink to rent some skates.
I had Max sit at the closest table to the rental line so I could see him, wanting him to conserve his energy rather than wait in the queue. Thankfully, we didn’t have to worry about me shelling out an arm and a leg for my own skate rentals because I had my own pair. Back when Max first got sick and my neighbor, old Mrs. Lannigan, was still around, she gave me boxes and boxes full of knick-knacks to sell as her way of helping me out. I’d held a little yard sale and donated the things that didn’t sell, but the skates were the perfect fit, and I’d always wanted a pair. They were beat up as hell, but I was really happy to have them now.
I’d been putting on a good face for Max over the past few days because he’d been talking nearly non-stop about the event, but I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t nervous. This was by far the most demanding physical activity that Max had done since he’d beenin remission, and my mind was rushing in a million different directions with all the ways he could be hurt.
I tried not to let it show on my face, however, because I wasn’t about to let my own fears rain on my son’s parade. Besides, I was going to be with him every step of the way. It wasn’t like I was just chucking him out onto the ice and expecting him to be like Wayne Gretzky.
Whenever my fears got to be a bit much, I reminded myself of that. I did that the entire time I was in the line, waiting to tell the exhausted employee behind the desk which size I needed for Max.
I had to hand it to her, she really kept it moving on what had to be one of their busiest nights. Although money was tight, I still pulled out one of the few dollars I had left and slid it into her tip jar. She gave me a grateful half smile, then handed a pair of skates over and motioned for me to step aside. Considering the crowd she still had left to serve, that was practically an Oscar acceptance speech.
“I’ve got your skates, buddy,” I said, forcing my fears into a little box at the back of my mind so I was all smiles as I approached Max. “Do you want to sit inside a little and get warmer, or go outside to the benches by the rink and have me put your shoes on for you?”
“Can you show me how to put them on myself?”
Damn it, I knew that was a possibility.
I absolutely adored that my son was so eager to branch out and try things, but I was still getting used to loosening up on the reins a little. I didn’t like to think of myself as a helicopter mom, but it was a big transition from setting an alarm every two hours to load different medicines into my son’s arm pump to being a mostly regular mom. I respected that my son had a whole world to explore and lots of experiences to catch up on, but sometimesall I wanted to do was cocoon him in bubble wrap so he would be safe and protected forever.
That wasn’t healthy, however, and we’d fought extremely hard for Max tobehealthy, so I resisted those panicked thoughts and gave him a nod.
“Sure, I’ll show you how I do mine, then I’ll walk you through the steps to do yours.”
“Bussin’!”
I blinked at him as I went through the encyclopedia in my head to figure out whether I knew that phrase. I tried really hard to keep up with all of the slang that was popular with my son’s generation. Being so sick and often in the hospital had led him to be online much more than I normally would have allowed, so he had picked up on a lot of meme-speak I wasn’t privy to. “Remind me what that means again?” I asked.
Sure, some parents and older folks got their knickers all in a twist whenever the new generation got creative with language and made up their own phrases, but I found that silly. As an editor, I was well aware that if a language wasn’t always evolving, always shifting, always adding to its lexicon and modifying colloquialisms, then it was dead.
Too many people thought of language as a rigid set of rules etched in stone, when really it was a living thing meant to connect people and allow them to express what was in their hearts and their heads, even if those weren’t necessarily good things to share. It was a blessing as much as it was a curse, and something I could go on about for hours if given half a chance.
“It means cool, Mom.”
“Ah, thank you.”
The two of us headed outside into the cold night while I mused about the interesting mix of slang my son tended to use. There were the occasional fantastical phrases and expressions from the books about dragons and wizards, or spaceships ingalaxies far, far away. There was the chronically online stuff. But then there were a handful of phrases from his favorite Filipino nurse, who was only a few inches taller than him, as well as slang from his largely millennial medical team. It was an interesting mishmash that always kept me on my toes, and yet one more thing I loved about him.
God, I really was a lucky mom. Bills would come and go. Troubles would come and go. But none of it really seemed that bad considering I now had the chance to actually watch my son grow up and become the amazing young man he was always meant to be.
“Okay, so watch carefully,” I said as we sat down. “And feel free to ask questions if you don’t understand anything.”
“Yes, ma’am!” he said, giving me a little salute.
I chuckled, then began to slowly show him how I liked to lace up my skates. It wasn’t all that much different than lacing up a shoe, but he hadn’t worn lace-up shoes in about two years. It had been Velcro all the way once I realized he was getting too weak and that his fingers cramped up around the laces.
Sometimes it still amazed me how much his cancer had affected every aspect of his life, but you’d never know by his demeanor. He had every right to be a right crotchety kid, but he wasn’t. He was just… Max. My reader. My adventurer. Mybaby.
No one had my back when I was growing up, but I would forever have his. As long as I was alive, he’d never have to worry about being alone.
“You did it!” I said once he followed my instructions. It had definitely taken a bit, but I didn’t mind. Every minute he was sitting down meant he was resting and saving his energy. I’d busted my ass several times in my youth, and I was so nervous about what could happen if Max wiped out really hard.
