Page 26 of Savage in the Sweets
Keep it professional but fun. Extend the olive branch without making it awkward. Michael needs this.
Colin:I think it’s time we mend fences. I’m fully prepared to offer you a free lifetime membership to my gym.
Lacy:I honestly don’t know if you’re serious, or trying to make a joke. I can’t imagine your dour ass being funny…so I can only assume that to make up for trying to RUIN my business, you’re seriously allowing me into yours.
Colin:Membership is $85/mth, and you’ll have access to a tanning bed. You really can’t beat that.
Lacy:So I’m pushing addiction, and you’re pushing cancer?
Colin:I don’t market the beds toward children, and you’ll never see them on school grounds.
Lacy:Yeah, and if you get your way, you’ll never see me there either.
With each jape comes the risk that Lacy with truly snap and murder me, but I can’t remember the last time I’ve had such clever banter with a woman. She’s like candy: an unhealthy addiction. Something I want more than anything to look at, talk to, be around, but is undoubtedly going to kill me in the end.
Colin:I’m backing off. You don’t have to worry about me speaking out against your shop. I won’t look twice your way at any function.
Lacy:good luck with that….
So she has noticed me checking her out. I had half-hoped that I’d done a good job of darting my eyes away whenever they disobeyed my good sense, but some crazy part of me wanted to get caught.
And on more than one occasion, I’ve caught her eyes lingering south of my neck. The look on her face when she saw me shirtless in the water let me know that she’s just as interested in me physically as I am of her. It’s my personality she hates.
Lacy:I have to ask you something…
This can’t be good because as much as I’m sure she enjoys looking at my body, I’m pretty damn positive she hates my guts. Which means whatever she’s about to ask is going to be snarky and condescending.
Colin:ask away….
Lacy:why mounds?
Colin:I like coconut
Lacy:But there are better brands. Like mine. Mounds have ingredients like corn syrup. Everything in my candy is organic.
Colin:It’s just a quick fix to get me through my stress. I don’t drink. I don’t smoke. I eat healthily. Candy is my one voice.
Lacy:do you like lollipops?
The conversation is torture, but if answering a few stupid questions about candy helps to bridge the gap between us, then so be it.
Colin:when I’m craving something fruity
Lacy:You offered me a lifetime pass to your gym, and in return, I’d like to offer you a lifetime supply of my completely organic lollipops. They’re sweet and full of honey.
The last thing I need is to be seen with Lacy Savage’s confectionaries, so I try to let her down gently, making it about me and not her.
Colin:No, thank you. That’s giving in to my vice a little more than I’d care to.
Lacy:Oh, come on! Zero calories and absolutely addicting—you’ll love them.
Colin:Zero calories implies artificial sweetener, which is far from organic. Didn’t figure you as one to false advertise.
Lacy:There’s no false advertising here. Mind if I send you a picture to prove my point?
If she owns a candy shop, she should know the calorie content of her goods as well as the certification standards of organic ingredients, so this must be some game she’s playing, undoubtedly aimed at making me feel stupid.
Might as well lean into it and see where I land. Michael is worth it.
