Page 110 of Not In The Contract
“That’s not fair, Cam,” I said slowly. “That’s not fair, and you know it.”
Cam cocked an irreverent brow at me, her expression icy. “Isn’t it?” she countered, folding her arms across her chest. “I’m sorry, but everyone at this table is family to me. I know she’s your sister, and I know you’ve both been through too much, but she hasno rightto punish you for something that wasn’t your fault.”
I already knew that. Iknew, and yet… And yet, she was still my sister, and my friends were my family too, and I was just beginning to understand how fucking unhappy I was with everything in my life.
“She didn’t know better,” I began, but I already knew what they’d say.
I wasn’t surprised.
“So, what’s her excuse now?” Taylor pressed. “She’s an adult, and she’s lived a damn good life thanks to you. What’s the point of punishing you?”
“She isn’t punishing me.” I sighed.
“Then what is this?” Cam demanded.
I sighed again, my thoughts drifting back to a conversation I had with Devon ages ago. Her observations rang clear as day in my ears, as if she were whispering them to me right then and there.
“Jamie is scared that we’ll be separated again,” I explained. “And, to be very honest, I can’t say I’m not afraid of the possibility myself.”
“That won’t happen,” Reid murmured into the quiet, but I shook my head.
“You can’t know that for sure,” I said sourly. “Look, I may not have grown up in a traditional family, but I know Jamie is manipulative. I’m not stupid.”
“We never meant for you to feel like we thought of you that way,” Hayden said, but I waved her off.
“It doesn’t really matter,” I grunted. “We’ve had this exact conversation for as long as I can remember. The outcome is the same every time. I’m not stupid enough to think she’ll change, but sometimes I feel like she needs the space to be herself. I want to be that safe space for her.”
“What about you, Alex?” Taylor cut in.
“You all keep fucking saying that.” I laughed mirthlessly. “What do you mean? Whataboutme?”
“Don’t you think you deserve a safe space?”
“Why do you think I keep you assholes around?” I grumbled.
“Be serious, please.” Cam sighed. “We’re talking about you dealing with your issues for real and actually being happy. Don’t you think Devon could help you with that?”
“I’m not using another person as a free therapy session,” I growled. “And I’ve dealt with my issues, thanks.”
“No,” Cam said, “you obviously haven’t.”
Ihad,and then everyone had to get involved and add their opinions to the mix. I’d beenfinewith my schedules and my careful planning. But everyone felt the need to meddle and now I was stuck in this limbo with nowhere to go without hurting someone.
“Fine,” I relented, the frustration boiling over and bleeding into my words. “I’m tired of this. What do you want me to do?”
“Not give up like that, for one.” Taylor frowned.
“I’mtired,” I repeated. “I can recount your arguments word for word: you want me to keep my sister at arm’s length and I don’t have the heart to push her away. Can we just eat?”
Looks were exchanged over my head but I didn’t care. All the fight had left me just as quickly as it had flared up. My head pounded, I was hungry, and needed at least thirteen hours of sleep. I could only fix one of those things at the moment.
“We can eat,” Taylor said carefully. “But we don’t want you to be angry with us.”
“I’m not,” I said, and it was the truth.
I knew my friends loved me and hated seeing me get hurt. I’d have been just as worried if our positions were switched. But the fact of the matter was that they weren’t. Jamie wasmysister, andmyresponsibility. She wasn’t demanding, she was using me because of the guilt I harbored. Iknewall of that.
But it did nothing, because what if I set boundaries with Jamie and she just… left? What if my only family left me and I was aloneagain? It was such a stupid thought, childish, even. But I couldn’t help the small part of me that had remained a frightened, lonely child, isolated from everything she knew and loved.
