Page 117 of Not In The Contract
I swallowed. Hard.
“Even when I dragged my feet across that threshold after running after you each day,” she smiled again, “I was happy because we’d still have dinner together. You’d cook for me, and we’d talk on your God-awful sofa for hours until it was time to go to bed. And I’d get up again to do it all over again.”
“Devon, I-”
“Please just… let me say this?”
I pursed my lips, swallowing the rush of incoherent babble, and nodded.
“I know it’s only been a few weeks at best,” Devon said, “but I fell for you somewhere along the way, short as it was. I fell a lot harder than I ever intended to.”
Me too, I wanted to tell her. Every muscle in my body yearned to pull her in, to wrap myself around her so tightly that she and I fused, body and soul.
“I have wanted to tell you for so long, but I was happy to finish out our two-month stint and hopefully move on.”
“But that doesn’t have to happen,” I blurted.
“Yes, it does,” she said, too calmly. “Because of Jamie.”
Unease cracked through my chest, leaving a gaping wound. How could I have not seen it coming?
“Jamie is your younger sister and you feel responsible for her,” she said. “We’ve talked about your history a little, though not enough for me to say much. It is enough, however, for me to understand that you exist for her.”
I started to shake my head but she held up a hand to silence me.
“Don’t bother, Alex.” She sighed. “You’ve said it yourself. You owe it to her, right? No matter what, you’re going to allow her to rule your life as she sees fit. I know when to walk away, and I respect both you and myself too much to ever make you choose.”
My lungs shriveled to the size of raisins as my breath rattled from my chest. It was all I could do to keep staring at her as every thought raced in my mind, thrashing and muddled.
“I didn’t want to tell you like this,” she said finally. “But I couldn’t hide it. I don’t want it to complicate things.”
She shot me one last smile before getting to her feet and leaving the kitchen.
I stared at the empty mug she’d left behind, feeling just as hollow. How could I make Devon happy without hurting my sister in the process?
39. It Might Be Regret
Devon
Myhearthammeredagainstthe inside of my ribcage, the adrenaline in my body evaporating with every step I took away from Alex. Unseeing, I made it all the way up to my room before the doorframe caught my shoulder. I jolted back from the impact, my teeth singing.
“Fuck,” I murmured, nursing the sudden throb in my shoulder as I bit back a loud groan and shut the door behind me.
How long had it been since I’d slept in this room? Everything about the space felt wrong, somehow. Just like the way I’d left Alex in the kitchen. But I couldn’t do it anymore. I couldn’t stand by and watch Jamie walk all over Alex, especially when the latter was known as the type of person that never happened to.
Alex Bell owned her shit and didn’t take crap from anyone. That made it harder to witness her descend into guilt and regret over Jamie whenever she was around. Tears stung at the corners of my eyes but I kept my lips pressed tightly. Guilt snapped at my heels, chasing me forward until my knees hit the edge of my bed, and I flopped onto it face-first. The same guilt I swore I didn’t want to be a part of…
I couldn’t stop thinking about the anguish scrawled across Alex’s face. Not only had I blindsided her, but I hadn’t given her a chance to show up and plead her case. Had I been too cruel? Unfair? It wasn’t my place tothinkthe things I’d said, let alone say them out loud. And after telling her how I felt about her too.
Way to go, Devon.
I lay there until the air in my lungs turned thin and I pushed myself up with a frustrated huff. There was a light tap at the bedroom door and my entire body stiffened. I flipped over, pushing up onto my elbows as I stared at it. It was like I could feel Alex’s presence radiating through the wood, tugging at me, drawing me to her.
“Devon?” Her muffled voice was barely above a whisper.
I swallowed hard. Didn’t respond. My breathing grew shallow and quick, knees trembling. I couldn’t face her. Not just yet. What would I say? Shit. This wasn’t about that. If I opened that door, I wouldn’t be saying anything. It would be Alex’s turn to talk, and then what?
“Can we please just talk?” It sounded like her head was resting against the door.
