Page 124 of Not In The Contract
“Am I supposed to start, or…?”
“No, I’ll go.” A nervous laugh tittered out of me. The sound of it made me cringe inwardly. Before Alex, I would never have guessed I was the tittering type.
“Well, then, the floor’s all yours, Devon,” she said, her face an unreadable mask.
It still managed to catch me off guard, how good she was at doing that. Protecting herself behind some impenetrable force field.
“It goes without saying that the past few days have been kind of…” I let out a long, slow breath. It would’ve been the perfect time for her to jump in and give the perfect word for it.
But Alex did no such thing. She just sat there and stared at me.
“Well, you were here. You know what it’s been like,” I went on, switching strategies. Maybe it wasn’t so much about finding the perfect words anymore.
Maybe I’d be better off taking a leaf out of Tam’s book, and just go ahead and voice my thoughts, no matter how jumbled they seemed.
“We barely talk anymore.” My voice was small and timid. My heart felt like it was getting primed to beat clean out of my chest. “It feels like you’re avoiding m-”
“That’s because I am.” Alex locked eyes with me, her gaze burning straight through my already weakened defenses.
“Oh.” I sank onto the bed, all of me. If her stare had sharp edges I would’ve been nothing more than a bloody puddle.
“It’s a lot, Devon,” she went on. “What you said to me, how you left things…”
The coward in me won out and I dropped my gaze. I couldn’t bear to see the hurt in her eyes anymore. That was me. I’d done that.
“I’m sorry,” I murmured, barely a whisper. “I didn’t mean to make things worse for you.”
“I said a lot, not worse. There’s a difference. I think I should apologize for not being explicit about the space I needed.”
I hadn’t anticipated that and my head shot up, searching her face for any signs of a prank in the works. There was none.
“I want you to know that I respect your relationship with Jamie.” I ignored the way she winced when I said the name. “She needs you more than I do. I get that.”
“It’s complicated, Devon,” Alex said, setting aside her paperwork. She started to reach for my hand, but pulled back at the last second, choosing to fold her hands in her lap.
“I know,” was all I could think to say back.
Alex shook her head slowly. “I don’t think you do, which is probably the reason we’re here right now. I wish I could make you understand, explain it in a way you’ll see…”
I nodded, my heart heavy with conflicting emotions. It wasn’t an explanation I needed. She probably cared for me, I could feel that somewhere in the midst of all of this. But her actions weren’t always aligned with that. Up until I’d walked into her room I’d been in two minds about going through with my plan. However, hearing her start to go down that same road again made my decision easier.
Tam was right.
“I think it’s best if I moved out.”
A storm of emotions played out behind her eyes as she looked at me, her mouth open in shock. Or was that hurt?
I looked away before I could figure it out. “It’s just that… I have a little under a month left of my assignment to you, and I think it would benefit my work if I-”
“You don’t have to do that.” She sounded out of breath. Not the kind you got when you ran a mile, but the kind where you get the wind knocked out of you.
It damn near broke my heart all over again.
“I told you before, Devon,” Alex continued, shifting closer to me. Her eyes pleaded with me in ways her words never would. “Please, reconsider.”
Of course, all she thought she was doing was asking me to stay. To me, that would mean being okay with coming second. Accepting my position as third wheel in this messed up dynamic between Jamie and her. I couldn’t do it. I didn’t want to keep feeling this uncertainty about where I stood with her.
A sad laugh fluttered out of me. “I came in here thinking I’ll use my thesis as an excuse. That moving out is what’s best for my work. But really, Alex, it’s my emotional wellbeing that’s in the balance right now.”
