Page 126 of Not In The Contract
“I’m not people,” she argued, approaching my side of the bed. “I’m your sister. Something you totally forgot about for the first few years of my life.”
A bitter laugh welled out of me, carried on decades of hurt. “There was nothing I could do! How many times do I have to explain that to you?”
“Now that’s a drain we can stop circling, thanks,” she fired back. “I’ve heard your lame explanations and I don’t need them.”
“Look around you, Jamie!” I waved my arms manically. “I’ve done nothing but try to make it up to you. To give you everything you want. Everything! I’m sitting here, alone, with what I’m sure is a broken fucking heart, and it’s all for you. All of it. I let the one good thing in my life walk out. I want to go be with her, but it’s you I’m watching get dressed. I’m living with the weight of this guilt that doesn’t ease up no matter what I do for you. I can waste away, alone, forever at your service, and it won’t go away. Because I know you think I left you behind. That I took too long to come get you, or whatever. It chokes me up when I think about it. It wakes me in the middle of the night and makes it hard to breathe. Forget you? I couldn’t even if I tried.”
I was out of breath by the end of it. A hopeless heap on my bed, eyes brimming with tears as my sister stared down at me.
Her face was an unreadable stone.
God, being vulnerable was the one thing I always avoided. Being neck deep in it and getting nothing back from Jamie only made it that much more uncomfortable. More than anything, I wanted Devon.
She’d get it. Hell, she would probably be proud of me for leaning into it.
Up until this moment, I’d convinced myself that I was okay. When I was miserable without her. I missed the sound of her padding down the hallway in her socks. The sheepish smile she wore when I playfully teased her. The way she felt in my arms. The sound she made when I touched her just there…
“Broken heart, huh?” Jamie finally spoke. Her voice didn’t have the usual edge to it, which was a surprise. “I know a thing or two about that.”
She collapsed onto the bed beside me, her pants squeaking threateningly under the strain.
“Of all the things I’d like to forget…” I gave a sad laugh.
Jamie shook her head slowly, eyes cast down. “No such thing, Al. Them’s the rules.”
“Seriously? A whole lifetime to choose from and you pick now to be right?”
That got a chuckle from her, at least, and she bumped shoulders with me. “Shut up.”
“You first.”
We both did.
Silence cloaked over us until there was nothing but the sound of our breathing. Breathing, and Jamie’s pants every time she shifted on the bed. But it didn’t feel heavy, like I’d gotten used to things being between us. Sitting there with her, barriers eliminated, it felt like we were sharing the first real moment we’d had in a really long time.
All it took was me speaking up instead of swallowing back the feelings she provoked. It took challenging her to finally get something real in return. I could already imagine the responses from the girls once I filled them in. It was what they’d been saying this whole time, but I was so scared of making Jamie angry that I couldn’t see clearly.
“I don’t know if I can do this without you,” she murmured, decidedly not looking at me. “The system didn’t get you the same way it got me.”
“It wasn’t the system. I didn’t have it any easier, I just had something…someoneto fight for.” I sighed heavily, wondering if she’d ever understand it. “I did everything I could to find you and when I did-”
“It’s like I only just got you back, and now I’m losing you again.” Jamie’s voice was choked up but she cleared her throat quickly to hide the fact.
“You never lost me, Jamie,” I asserted. “It took a little longer to get what I needed, but I found you. You were always the biggest reason to get my shit together.”
“Now you’re in love with her.” Jamie turned, locking her desperate gaze with mine.
“Yes. And I love you,” I replied softly. “There’s no losing me, Jamie. Not then, not now.”
“Except…” Jamie took a deep, steadying breath. “She gets to have you. Even with her not being here, she has you. It’s my birthday party and she’s who you’re thinking about.”
I reached out and placed my arm around her shoulders, pulling her in until she was right up against me. “I know it doesn’t feel like it right now, but there’s enough of me to go around,” I said, stroking her cheek. “You’ll always be my sister. You’ll always be one of the most important people in my life. But I can’t do this. Not anymore. I can’t isolate myself to keep you convinced of that.”
When she looked up at me, her eyes were misted over. “That’s what I’ve been doing, isn’t it?”
I nodded, smiling sadly. She was finally seeing reason and with her up close, I could feel she wasn’t showing up to it with a fight. She was open. Listening.
“You’re my family, and I’ll always want you in my life,” I said. “But there’s more I want. This thing with Devon… It could be something, I feel it. I need to know I can give it a shot without worrying about you.”
