Page 127 of Not In The Contract
“I want you to be happy, Al. I mean that.” She kissed my cheek sweetly, the ghost of a smile on her lips. “It’s just sometimes I get scared and then I can’t control the things I say. Or do… It’s like my fears take the wheel and I’m gagged and bound in the trunk, along with logic and reason.”
I couldn’t help but laugh at her strangely specific analogy. Because of course, Jamie would describe it like that. But she wasn’t wrong. I knew the feeling of not steering your own life. Of being buffeted through choices by fear instead of love. It was the unique affliction that made me this successful, but also this lonely.
“I’ve been thinking about something,” I ventured after a moment, my guard going up, just in case.
“Do you want me to guess?” Jamie asked after I hadn’t said anything more for a good few seconds.
I shook my head. “Therapy. I want us to go. Together.” Her eyebrows shot up in surprise and she started to say something, but her mouth clammed up quickly. “I want us to have a relationship where our past hurts don’t end up hurting each other in the present. What do you think?”
It looked like she was actually considering it, the way she sat there, looking at me without an ounce of resistance. I exhaled a long, slow breath, allowing myself to dismantle the proverbial fortress I’d reflexively set up when it came to dealing with her. Another learned behavior that hopefully would fade away with time.
“If you want to be a part of my life, then I’m going to need this.” I dropped my arm from her shoulder, giving her space. And also myself, preempting what I’d need if she wasn’t into it.
“Therapy…” Jamie sounded like she was trying on the word to see whether it was a good fit. “That’s what you need?”
“Therapy.” I nodded. “And for you to please change out of those pants.”
Jamie gave an incredulous laugh and slapped my arm as she went back to the mirror. “I’m rocking the leather, you can’t deny it.”
“Sounds more like they’re rocking you, sorry.” I joined in her laughter. “That squeak will be punctuating every conversation you have tonight.”
“Speaking of… How are we doing with that whole fashionably late situation?” She rifled through the pile of potential outfits strewn across the bed.
“Who cares? It’s your birthday, remember? You can do whatever the fuck you want.”
Jamie paused her mission to meet my eyes, and the warmth from her smile spread through my entire chest. It was still precarious, but it felt like I was getting closer to salvaging my relationship with my sister. Who would’ve thought?
I plunged my hand into the mound closest to me and pulled out a white strappy dress. “Here,” I tossed it to her. “There are a pair of silver pumps in my closet that’ll be perfect for it.”
She scrunched up her face as she held the dress up to her body. “It’s a little too… angelic for me. Don’t you think?”
“Jamie, I could slap a halo and a pair of wings on you, and even then nobody’s first impression would be angelic.”
That got a balled-up, white strappy dress flung straight at my face.
“Just for that, I’m going with the leather pants.” She snickered, resuming her squeaky battle with the zipper.
I slid off the bed, straightening my own dress as I went to grab my heels. Understated black mini, paired with understated black stilettos, to culminate in suave sophistication. My brand.
“She better be good to you,” Jamie’s voice reached me where I stood in my closet. I froze in place, one shoe on, the other dangling from my forefinger.
“I’m just saying,” she went on, “this change in you is obviously because of her. I get that. You’re in love. But she better not abuse that, or-”
“She won’t,” I called out, feeling the certainty of my words in my very bones. “Devon didn’t make me do this. She just helped me understand what should’ve happened a long time ago.”
A short silence followed my explanation, with only the sound of Jamie getting dressed coming from my bedroom. I went to stand in the door of my closet and looked at her, fixing her hair in the mirror. She’d swapped the black button-up for a gold low-back that popped with the leather pants.
She caught me staring and a half-smile tugged at the corners of her mouth. “I’ll do therapy, I’ll stop competing for your attention. And just overall, stop being a little bitch. In return-”
“In return…” I went to stand beside her at the mirror, looking at both our reflections. “In return, I’ll help you feel secure in our relationship. I’ll give you time that’s just ours.”
“And stop being a little bitch,” Jamie added, a mischievous glint in her eye.
“Don’t push it.” I gave her a playful nudge and made for the door, pausing with my hand on the knob. “Jamie, I know we have a long way to go, but I also know we’re going to make it through this in one piece.”
She bounded over to me, taking my hand and interlacing her fingers with mine. “I believe you, Al. Now can we go? You’re making me late for my party.”
43. Heartstrings and Hesitations
