Page 51 of Not In The Contract
Devon glanced around pointedly. “Who takes care of you?”
A startled giggle left me. “Me?”
“Yes,” she said seriously. “We all need someone we can rely on, someone we can talk to when things get rough. Someone we can feel safe with.”
“I have my friends,” I lied, and by the way a tiny dent formed between her brows, she knew it.
“I would have thought you and Jamie would be each other’s safe spaces,” Devon mused. “It’s common for siblings to form very strong attachments, even after being separated in foster care. The opposite isn’t unheard of, but it’s uncommon enough.”
“I wouldn’t say we’re attached to each other,” I pondered, then frowned. What were we, then?
My friends teased me about being Jamie’s mother; always coddling her and spoiling her. I went out of my way to make her happy but… Wasn’t that what being a family meant?
“You have a lot on your mind,” Devon noted. “You can talk about it. I know you don’t consider me a safe space, but I can be unbiased. I’ve been told I’m an excellent listener.”
I looked at her for a long moment, searching her face for any hint of ill will. But I found nothing besides openness and warmth. Talking to Jamie was like swallowing coals, and the embers left on my tongue burned for hours after. Maybe telling Devon would help. Maybe admitting how I felt for once would help.
“I feel so guilty,” I finally admitted, the words like jagged glass in my throat.
“For what?”
“Everything.” I frowned. “I could fill a book with it.”
“Then start small,” she suggested softly. “Talk about one thing at a time. Do you feel guilty about not finding Jamie sooner?”
“Yeah.” I pulled in another lungful of air. “Yeah, I feel guilty for subjecting her to an unhappy life for longer than necessary. I feel guilty that I couldn’t find her until I hired someone to look. I feel guilty that I had to lie to her about you.”
“Why did you feel the need to lie about me?”
“She wouldn’t understand.” I sighed, my body so, so tired. “She would see you as some kind of competition for my attention. Neither of us would get anything done if she found out. She’d stick around until my eyes bled.”
“Forgive me if I’m overstepping,” she said, shifting slightly in her seat. “But do you enjoy spending time with her?”
“I do,” I answered immediately, then paused. “I did. Back when we’d finally gotten a place of our own. Before I started my first company, things were good.”
“What changed?”
“I got busier.” I shrugged. “I had all these opportunities to grow and I didn’t want to let them slip by.”
“What about Jamie?”
I looked up at Devon with a frown. “Jamie didn’t want to be a part of that world,” I explained. “So I made sure she could live the way she wanted.”
Devon nodded, but I had the distinct sense that she’d unearthed something valuable in my admission. I had no idea what.
17. Two Steps Back
Devon
Torture.
That was the word ricocheting around my head as I hauled ass back to Alex’s office. My last lecture of the day had run a little late, meaning I was fifteen minutes overdue.
I wasn’t late, for once.
I’d done relatively well in the last few days, sticking to the schedule as if my life depended on it. I forced myself out of bed as early as I could sanely manage, sometimes meeting Alex in the kitchen just as she walked in.
I almost skidded past Katya’s desk with a breathless “Hey, Katya!” before slipping inside Alex’s office as quietly as I could.
