Page 66 of Not In The Contract
I threw yet another furtive glance at Alex, who ate in silence across the table from me. After talking to Tamera, I’d decided that asking Alex about her relationship was the best course of action. For my studies, and for Alex, I thought.
“You have a lot on your mind,” Alex observed quietly.
I looked up in surprise, my cheeks instantly heating. “How can you tell?” I stalled, pushing my food around my plate with a fork.
“You’ve been very quiet today,” she said simply, lifting a shoulder as if it was obvious. “Usually you’re full of questions or comments about the day, even if you are dead on your feet.”
“I haven’t been dead on my feet,” I lied. “Just trying to get used to a brand new lifestyle, is all.”
“Right.” She chuckled. “So? What’s on your mind?”
There was no use beating about the bush, not when Alex already knew I wanted to ask about something.
“It’s about Jamie.”
Alex’s hands paused in the act of cutting her steak, and she lifted a carefully guarded gaze to me. “What about her?”
“It’s more about your relationship with her,” I said cautiously. “And before you get the wrong idea, I thought about it, and considered not asking at all. But I think that your relationship with your sister is just as important to my research as your success.”
Alex looked away, her eyes darting around, deep in thought. “I see your point,” she murmured, the small dent between her brows getting deeper. “But it’s not something that I can consider easy to talk about.”
“If it’s too personal,” I said quickly, sensing her unease, “it can be omitted from my research and final thesis entirely.”
“Then why-”
“Because I’d like to know more as a friend,” I explained, wishing the heat in my face would drain away. “I don’t want to get involved or tell you what I think you should do. I just think that you need someone to listen for once, and I’d like to be that person for you. If you’d like me to, obviously.”
She looked at me for a long moment and, guessing that I’d overstepped a boundary, I quickly reeled it back.
“Or not.” I chuckled nervously. “It’s personal and I’m basically no one so it’d make no sense at all to tell me about that kind of stuff.”
“I’d like that,” she said quietly.
I lifted round eyes to find her smiling, albeit barely. “Are you sure?” I asked. “I don’t want you to feel like I’m prying, even though that’s pretty much what I’m doing anyway. But we can stop whenever you w-”
“Devon.” She laughed, stopping me from my downward spiral. “I’ll tell you if it’s too much, okay?”
“Okay,” I said sheepishly.
Her smile widened a fraction and she looked back at her food. “What would you like to know?”
“You said before that you felt guilty for a lot of things that happened in the past,” I started. “Is that all you feel?”
She slowly shook her head, freeing a few curls from behind her ears. “I know I shouldn’t, but I feel a lot of resentment and anger sometimes,” she said, her voice a little rough.
“Why do you think you shouldn’t feel those things?” I asked with a poorly concealed frown.
Alex looked away again, hesitant.
“Just remember that I’m only here to listen,” I reminded her, fighting the urge to reach out and touch her hand. “I don’t want to judge you for your decisions or your emotions. They’re yours and I respect that.”
Her shoulders loosened a fraction and she pressed her lips into a thin line. “I didn’t spend as much time in foster care as Jamie did,” she explained. “And I wasn’t that unfortunate in my homes. They might not have been great for a kid but I survived. After all these years, I should have gotten over it. I’ve had decades to put it behind me, where it belongs, but…”
I waited, letting her take a moment to collect her thoughts while mine raged.
“But it’s like I’ve carried it with me instead.” She sighed. “It hasn’t gotten any lighter or easier. It’s exactly the same, and it makes me hate myself for it. At least, a part of me.”
“You hate yourself for not letting go,” I summarized, and she nodded.
