Page 118 of Not In The Contract
I slid off the bed and walked over to it, raising my hand to about the same height her face would be on the other side. An electric warmth sparked at my fingertips, surging up my arm and into my chest, where it wrapped around my heart. There was nothing to talk about. She had no room in her life for me. Not with Jamie’s relentless grip on her big sister’s sense of guilt.
“I need to be alone, Alex,” I lied. That wasn’t what I wanted at all.
But what I didn’t want even more was to feel like I had no place in someone’s life. Especially if it was someone I’d developed feelings for.
“Then can you just let me talk? Like this… You can be alone in there, and I’ll say what I have to say from out here.” Alex didn’t sound like she was anywhere close to backing away from the door.
The longing in her voice made my stomach flip. I shook my head slowly, placing my palm flat against the door. I still felt raw from what happened in the kitchen and I knew I couldn’t withstand even the slightest hint of vulnerability from her.
“No.” The word rang through me like clanging cathedral bells, rattling my resolve.
The dead silence on the other side of the door didn’t help. It only made the sound of Alex’s heart dropping that much louder.
Goddammit.
Feet don’t fail me now…
There was a reason I made the choice I did, and I had to hold onto that. For both our sakes.
“I don’t want to talk anymore, Alex.” My voice was softer this time. Out of guilt, out of shame.
But what mattered was the words. The words stuck to the same message as before.
I wasn’t giving in.
“Okay.”
That was it. That was all she said before the sound of her heavy footfalls faded down the hall.
I fell onto the bed in a sorry heap. Had I just ruined a perfectly good working relationship? I gnawed on the inside of my cheek. There was still so much time left before our two months were up. Had my admission just turned the rest of that time into an awkward cringe-fest?
Shit.
My phone dug sharply into the bone of my hip and I dug it out of my pocket with clenched teeth. I wanted out. Suddenly the guest bedroom and everything Alex-related felt as though it were suffocating me, making it hard to breathe, let alone think straight. I needed to go for a walk or a drive,somethingto get away from the overwhelming hatred for myself. As much as I cared for Alex, I cared even more about how she felt.
Knowing that along with her Jamie issues I’d added a whole extra helping of ‘fuck you’ to her plate triggered my self-loathing into overdrive. But it was late, and there was no way I’d step foot outside the safety of Alex’s property. At least not without one of her security guards in tow.
So I settled for the next best thing.
Tamera answered almost immediately, as if she’d been waiting for me to call her. Her face filled the screen and she smiled wide.
“You rang?”
I couldn’t help but smile back despite the tumble of shame and guilt roiling in my gut. The pillows at my back offered no comfort, either. Mostly because they didn’t have arms to hold me the way I needed.
“I missed your face,” I replied, turning onto my side to find a more comfortable position. “I haven’t seen you in forever.”
Surprisingly, the urge to cry gripped me out of nowhere, tears choking in the back of my throat and making it burn.
“Hmm?” She frowned. “This is weird. I’m usually the one hanging off your shoulder whining about how little I get to see you. Did something happen?”
I swallowed back the uninvited sob that wanted out and lifted a shoulder in a half-shrug.
“I told Alex how I felt.” Six words. No emotion. Clean and simple.
Tamera choked on the sip of boba she’d just taken and coughed to clear her throat. “You did?!” she shrieked, and I instinctively held the phone a foot away from my face.
Just as I knew she would, Tam pushed the boulder from my chest with her trademark dramatics. I started feeling lighter already. Bummed out, but lighter…
