Page 55 of Fanged Embrace
My heart pounded loud and booming, pulse rising to a roar in my ears and I wondered, for a moment, what it would feel like to kiss her. To feel the soft brush of her lips on mine. Iwondered how her skin would feel, smooth and cool under my palm, and if her pulse would quicken at my touch.
I didn’t know I was inching forward until we were almost nose-to-nose, drawn by magnetic force across that small distance. My breath caught in my lungs, my lips parting in a desperate gasp—before reality came crashing down again.
What the fuck are you thinking?
I jerked back, nearly toppling from my seat, and slammed a hand on the table to steady myself.
River remained perfectly still, and her eyes held mine with hesitant curiosity. From the way she was looking at me, I wondered if she’d haveletme kiss her—and that thought alone sent me spiraling. I remembered her murmuring from the night before, when she opened up about her past and why she’d built this house the way she did.“For people like me.”
Was she… Did shewantto kiss me?
Was I leading her on?
“I’m not—I can’t…” I stuttered out the words, fighting to swallow the soup that seemed determined to crawl back up my throat. My chest constricted with guilt and shame. Guilt at the hurt I could cause her, and shame at the simple fact that I’d allowed myself to relax enough to let her in.
This was exactly how I lost everything once—by letting myself believe I deserved more.
It was bad enough simply calling her my friend; that was already too close, too dangerous. Anything more than that… it would be catastrophic. The deeper we dove into whatever this was, the harder it would hit her later—when I removed myself from the picture.
I forced my legs under me, standing before my emotions could betray me further. “I have to go.”
At that, River’s expression caved and she slid to her feet. “I’m sorry, I overstepped. I didn’t mean to–”
“It’s not you,” I cut in, pressing my fists to my eyes. “You’ve been wonderful. I just—I’m being unfair to you.”
River tilted her head, confusion contorting her features. “I don’t follow.”
I dropped my hands to my sides, shaking all over. “You’re going to end up hurt when this is over. Whether we take down the organization or not, this—” I gestured between us, frustration coloring my words. “It’s not going to end well. I need you to know that.”
“What are you talking about?” River took a cautious step closer and I backed further away. “We have a whole coven helping us, things are going to be just fine?—”
“You don’tget it.” I bit the words out and River stilled mid-step. I threw my hands up, frustration bubbling over. “Even if we bring down the organization, even if I kill every target on my list…” I wheezed out a bitter laugh, half hysterical in my outburst. “When all of this is over, I’m taking myself out too. That’s the grand plan, all right? Always has been.”
River’s expression remained unchanged, but it sat solid on her face like a mask, hiding the emotion underneath. “Laurie?—”
“That’s why I need you to step awaynow, before you—before we—” My voice cracked and my shoulders drooped like dead foliage. “Before I hurt you.”
River’s voice was a whisper, more of a statement than a question. “You’re going to kill yourself.”
I dropped my eyes to the floor, laid bare and whittled down to nothing.
River inched forward a step. “Laurie, you can’t—you don’t have to?—”
“Don’t.” The word ripped through me, not a shout so much as a crack of lightning sparking off my tongue. “Just, don’t. I’m done with empty promises that things will get better, okay? I’mdone.”
River’s lips quivered. I’d never seen her like this, never seen her looking so very lost. It hurt to see her like that, and it hurt even more to know it was all my fault.
She lifted her hands, like she wanted to reach for me, like she expected me to do it right then and there. “You don’t mean that. There are other ways?—”
“Stop!” I pressed my hands to my ears, crumbling in on myself as my fortress caved in. “I don’t want to hear it. I can’t—” I sucked in a breath, choking on my words, bending over myself. “I’m so tired of hearing it. That things will get better—itwon’t. It never has and it never will, and I’mtired. I’m so fucking tired of everything!”
River moved an increment closer and I couldn’t hold it in anymore. I screamed—a long, laborious shriek of deafening proportions.
I dropped to a crouch, then curled even smaller, a perfect example of an exorcism gone wrong as my body trembled and my muscles seized and the wailing went on and on. Until I had no voice left to strain. Until I was nothing but an empty husk sitting hollow on the floor.
It started with a roar and ended in a sob. A final declaration of unbearable pain rattling from my lungs, dying on my lips along with the rest of me.
When it was done I felt nothing. No guilt, no fury, not even shame. Just a resigned acceptance that I’d thoroughly burned this bridge. I expected her to turn away, to kick me out, to write me off as a lost cause not worth the headache.
