Page 64 of Shameless
On the driveback to Houston, it seemed no matter what song came on the radio, each one reminded me of my relationship with Sarah in some way. One was about a woman asking her man if he ever missed being single or if with her was where he belonged. He told her she was the one for him. That was how I felt about Sarah; she was everything I’d ever need or want. I had no regrets about going so quickly from one relationship to another. Maybe the young and dumb Blake would have wanted to enjoy being single for a while, but that wasn’t the man I’d become. As the song continued, I became even more confident that the old me—the man I had been before I fell for Sarah—belonged in the past.
When “Shameless” by Garth Brooks came on, I realized what I needed to do. I had always been able to walk away from anyone, but Sarah was worth fighting for. And I wasn’t going to let something I couldn’t change impact our future.
I just needed to find my old boombox at my parents’ house first.
23
Sarah
Rushing back into the house,I made a beeline for the room I used to call mine during the summers. It was next to the one Blake had stayed in and still looked the same, with a full-size bed and farmhouse décor. It wasn’t the first time I’d hurried inside, locked the door for privacy, and cried into the pillows on the bed. I’d done it a few times during my summers here, and just like back then, I felt as though I’d been stabbed in the heart as my chest ached with the feeling of betrayal. How could Blake and Deb not tell me they had slept together? They’d both had the opportunity. I wasn’t sure if I was more hurt that they kept it from me, or that they’d slept together in the first place.
The more I sobbed into the pillow, the more I kept coming back to being hurt because no one had bothered to tell me. As details from the past twenty-four hours flitted through my head, I recalled that, in the hospital, my aunt had addressed Blake first. Was there more to their relationship than what had happened ten years ago? I wanted to believe Blake when he told me what had happened between them didn’t matter now, but I also remembered how he had told me he’d lied to his parents about Stacey when they had first met her. I’d thought he had matured from the boy I had known as a teenager, but maybe it was true that a leopard couldn’t change his spots.
“Sarah, honey.” Aimee knocked on the door. “Is there anything I can get you?”
“No.” I sniffled.
“I fed Skye. Hope that was all right.”
“Yes, thank you. I just need some time to myself.”
“Okay, honey. We are having tomato soup and grilled cheese sandwiches. Can I make you one?”
“No, thank you.”
“Okay. Please let me know if you change your mind.”
Did she know about her son and best friend? Did everyone know except me? Was it agreed upon to never tell me? So many thoughts raced through my head, and the one I kept going back to was wishing Blake was there with me so I could talk to him about it. He’d shared things with me about Stacey and now I wanted him to be my shoulder to cry on, but he was also the reason I had mascara running down my cheeks and staining the pillow black.
At some point, I must have fallen asleep because when I glanced through the blinds overlooking the driveway, the sky was streaked with gold and purple. I didn’t know how long Blake had been gone, but it had to have been several hours. Were we over? I’d asked him to give me time to think, but a part of me wished he had been stubborn and refused to leave. That he had fought for me, unlike he had with his ex. But Blake was good at running, so perhaps I shouldn’t have been surprised.
I couldn’t bring myself to watch the sunset, so I closed the blinds and lay back down on the bed. My tears had crusted over and my eyes hurt. My heart still felt as though it had been brutally split open, leaving a jagged wound that spread anguish through my entire rib cage.
A few minutes later, I heard a vehicle on the dirt driveway outside my window. I hurried to peek through the blinds and saw that it was Blake’s Chevy Silverado, my pulse picked up. “He came back,” I whispered to myself.
Not wanting him to notice me looking at him, I pulled back from the blinds and waited, wondering if he would come to the door and ask to talk. Even though I’d sent him away, I knew getting answers to my questions was the only way to move forward. Maybe after listening to Blake, we would go our separate ways. Maybe I would forgive him. It had been only a few hours, but I loved him, and if he came back to fight for us, that meant something.
Right?
I could hear Blake’s parents and Roger chatter from down the hall, and I listened closely to see if I could catch the sound of Blake entering the house. Instead, a familiar melody filled my ears.
When I heard Garth Brooks sing the words to his hit “Shameless,” I sucked in a breath. I knew the country song well because it was one of my favorites.
I raised the blinds and opened the window so I could see Blake and hear the song better. As the crisp autumn air hit my face, I saw Blake standing next to his truck and holding a stereo above his head like in the iconic scene fromSay Anything. In the movie, Lloyd Dobler had made the gesture to remind Diane Court how strong their love was, and I knew Blake was doing the same. He wasn’t professing his love for me—he’d already done that—but he was using the words of the song to tell me how he felt. Knowing the song and the lyrics already, my heart began to meld back together.
He let the song play as we stared at each other. I was certain everyone in the house could hear the music blasting, but I didn’t care. Garth sang about doing anything for love, and even though he valued his pride, he’d toss it aside and be shameless if necessary to prove his love. Blake was fighting for us and not letting his pride get in the way of love. He had come back here with a grand romantic gesture to show me how he truly felt.
And it was working.
When Garth sang about seeingmestanding there and he would go down to his knees as though to beg, Blake dropped to his, and fresh tears ran down my cheek. I tried to hold them back, because I wanted to see Blake clearly and not through watery eyes. When the chorus began about in allhislife, he could walk away from anyone he’d ever known, but he couldn’t walk away fromme, I couldn’t stop the tears from rolling down my face. The song had never impacted me as much as it did at that moment, even though I’d heard it a thousand times at least.
Blake continued to hold the stereo up and the words of the song sang about never having so much to lose and how it should be easy for a strong man to say he was sorry or admit he’s wrong. That he’d never lost anything he would ever miss, but he hadn’t been in love likethis.
Even though I wanted to watch Blake the entire time he held up the radio, I also had an overwhelming desire to run into his arms.
Leaving the room, I sprinted down the hall and bolted out the front door, running straight for him. When he saw me, he placed the stereo on the hood of his truck, and a few seconds later, I jumped into his muscular arms.
The song continued to play as we kissed with the sky tinted my favorite color behind us. Once again I felt like I was living in an 80s rom-com. It was a testament to how much Blake knew about me. If he had waited a day or more and called, his grand gesture wouldn’t have had the same impact because doing it right away showed me how much he really loved me.
