Page 95 of By the Moonbeam and the Mist
Steeler only bowed over me, his body like its own dome shielding mine from Dyonisia’s spitting, venomous anti-power overhead, and commanded me to breathe.
But I wouldn’t. Couldn’t. It was so obvious in this memory that I might never be able to breathe properly again. And despite all that, Steeler was saying, “Iwillcome back for you. I will make you pick up my pieces. And I will pick up yours.”
Instead of replaying itself from the beginning, the mist faded as soon as he lowered his mouth to mine and muffled my sobs with a trembling kiss.
Then silence.
Such endless, echoing silence.
A single exhale behind me made me whip around.
Steeler—the real one, the one who had chased me all throughout his own maze—straightened from where he’d been leaning against the nearest curving marble wall, watchingmewatch it all.
He’d been watching me take in these memories the whole time.
Memories he’d woven together like braids of steam. Memories he’dherdedme toward so that I would stumble across this darkest truth.
He took a half step toward me, his foot falling into a sliver of moonlight pouring down into this pathway, his mouth opening to say something.
“You bastard,” I said before he could.
Steeler stopped.
Every part of my body had gone still besides my fingers—thosewere itching to grab a knife that didn’t exist in this mental space.
“I could have gone with you,” I whispered. “But you left me anyway.”
“I know, Rayna.”
No sooner had my name left his lips than I hissed, “Don’t youdarecall me that. The girl you knew by that name was in love with you, but you left her anyway.”
It felt like an anchor falling off from the center of my chest, admitting that. I couldn’t deny it anymore. My past self had been hopelessly, ridiculously in love with the male who stood before me. And maybe we’d had a good time together. Maybe we’d made each other happy for a finite space of time.
But in the end, it hadn’t mattered. In the end, he’d hacked right through that love until I’d had to freeze everything within me to preserve it. To keep it from further mutilation.
Steeler opened his mouth again, every shade of pain imaginable swimming through his eyes. “There was—”
“No reason!” I shouted, and now I was the one taking steps forward despite my better judgment, filling the sliver of moonlight with the darkest, most quivering part of me. “Youleftme!” I shoved against his chest. “Youabandonedme.” I shoved again, hating that he wouldn’t budge, also hating that he didn’t try to defend himself. “You kissed my lips and turned yourbackon me.” I pummeled the heel of my palms against his chest again and again, wanting so viciously to shove him to the ground the way he’d shoved me to the ground and left me there to rot. “You told me you loved me and then walkedaway. You—”
“It was to keep yousafe!” he cut in, finally grabbing my wrists. Holding them back. “Everything Idois to keep you safe, Rayna!”
A shriek snapped out of me. “Stop CALLING me that!”
“No! I will not stop! I will not call you by your surname anymore as if you mean nothing to me when you meaneverythingto me!” Steeler tightened his grip on my wrists. “I don’tcareif you hate me for the rest of your life, Rayna, I don’tcareif you never forgive me, I don’tcareif my heart wants to fucking die whenever I look into your eyes and see the reflection of the monster I’ve become.”
I stopped struggling for just a moment as his own eyes shimmered with a reflection of its own: my face, looking up at him. Me, and only me, like a pale imitation in dark water.
“I don’t care,” Steeler continued, “because I cared with Mattheus. I cared what he thought of me. I cared that he’d be mad at me for not passing him the damn bottle, so you know what I did, Rayna? I passed him the damn bottle.Idid that.Igave him what he wanted, and he isdeadbecause of me. And I will never get him back.”
He stood there, panting so raggedly I wanted to patch up the holes that had obviously punctured him in every place that mattered.
Instead, I simply dragged in a deep breath of my own.
“How were you keeping me safe by leaving me here? The dome—”
“—might not have killed you, no,” he said on a shuttering exhale. “But every tattooed faerie on that ship is oath-bound to kill Dyonisia Reeve upon sight—or anyone who belongs to her by blood.”
I shook my head. “I don’t belong to Dyonisia, Steeler.” And maybe that made him flinch, to hear his surname still coming from my mouth, but I ignored the twinge of guilt beneath all the layers of rage and sorrow I’d become. “Just because she gave me orders and a sheath doesn’t mean I belong to her.”
