Page 20 of Be Your Somebody
Both of us have tears in our eyes and matching heartbroken expressions. My arms itch to wrap around Cas and give him the comfort heneeds, but I still have things to say. He starts to speak, but I put my hand out to stop him.
“Listen. While I’m happy you’re finally being real with me, your words won’t cut it anymore. If you want to be in my life again you need to do something about it. The warranty on those words has expired. You want our friendship back?”
“More than anything!” he responds.
“Then prove it to me! Show me this time is truly different.” As I close the door, his hand on my arm stops me. I look up at him with questioning eyes.
“I will prove to you, Aves. I’m going to make sure you see just how much I want you,” he says before walking away.
With a nod, I close the door, my head spinning with all the words we exchanged. A part of me is hopeful Cas will stick to his promise, but the doubt screams in my ear through a megaphone.
As I set them in the sink, his words hit me:
“I’m going to make sure you see just how much I want you.”
Those words cause my heart to beat in a frantic and desperate rhythm in my chest and a pulsing sensation in my core.
Chapter 14
Cassidy
Sobriety isn’t a one size fits all approach
It’sbeenweekssincemy last conversation with Avery and I’ve made zero progress in devising a game plan. My brain feels like scrambled eggs, trying to figure out how to convince her that I both need and want her. I pace my bedroom floor, gripping my hair in frustration. Coming up with a game plan shouldn’t be so damn difficult. How am I supposed to show her how I feel? I stop mid-pace when a flash of white catches my eye. I stand frozen, thinking back to Avery’s letter. This piece of paper, however, is significantly smaller. Now that my heart isn’t threateningto leap outside my chest, I walk toward it and see a familiar name etched in black ink: Asher. I grab my phone and type out a quick text.
Me: Asher, it's Cas. You told me to reach out whenever I needed help. I wanted to know if that offer still stands.
Asher: Hey, that’s cool. Would you be willing to come hang out at the bar?
Me: Yeah, that’s fine. When?
Asher: Are you free now? It's dead here, so we should be good.
Me: Sounds good. I’ll be there soon, thanks.
I grab my keys and head downstairs. My grandparents are sitting next to each other on the couch. My grandpa is fiddling with his camera while my grandma is reading one of her many romance novels. They both look up with matching happy expressions when I enter the room.
“Hey. I wanted to let y’all know I’m heading out to Aces. I need to get someone’s opinion on what to do with the whole Avery situation. Not that she’s a situation. I mean, uh—" I stammer.
Gram places her bookmark in her novel before placing it on the table and patting the empty spot next to her. “I understand what you mean, Cas. I’m glad you’re being proactive about everything. A year or so ago, you would have sulked and gone on some self-destructive bender. I’m so proud of you, both of us are.” Gram squeezes my hand and my grandpa just grunts his agreement, refusing to look up from what he’s doing.
“I, uh, thanks. That means a lot. I just wanted you both to know that I’m heading there for a reason and not to, ya know, drink and stuff. I’ve not only destroyed Avery’s trust, I obliterated yours. I’m working on changing all of that. I don’t think I ever said I was sorry for all that I put you through. I know how y’all feel about my father…” I pause and take a breath, those words coming out through clenched teeth. “I never wanted to be like him, yet I ended up being exactly like the bastard. You never deserved that. You never deserved a grandson like me who destroys everything he touches. But I’m going to promise you that I will continually work on myself. You both took me in when you didn’t need to. You saved my life, and I repaid that by falling victim to my own demons. Not anymore. I’m going to really make sure things are different this time around.” The last few words waver with guilt and disappointment at all the mistakes I’ve made.
I expect my gram to speak, but it’s my grandpa that decides to chime in.
“We never, not once, regretted the decision to take you under our care. We love you very much, even the parts of you that you deem unlovable. While our trust in you is fragile, it isn’t completely severed. You have so much in you. I saw it when you were eight and I see it now. I remember that spark you had when you came to work for me at my photography studio. You were finding yourself again, and it was a sight to see. I have no doubt you’ll find yourself again.” My grandpa isn’t known for being the most emotional talker, but when he does, his words hit the intended target every time.
“Have you thought about going back to NA and AA? I know back then, it was helpful for you. Maybe it’s worth giving it another try?” Gram asks.
I think back to when I got sober the first time. I didn’t have a crew of doctors and nurses helping me out. I was doing it all on my own. And while I enjoyed the meetings, I didn’t always feel connected to the content they discussed. Maybe it was because deep down I wasn’t truly ready to get sober. Or maybe it was because of the constant judgment I felt from my peers and sponsors. I’m not sure, maybe with enough introspection I can figure it out, but I’m not sure I’m ready to dig that deep just yet.
“I don’t think that avenue is for me. Getting, and remaining, sober isn’t a one-size-fits-all approach. Some benefit greatly from attending those meetings. I don’t think they were for me. Rehab helped me with a generalized understanding of substance abuse issues. My therapist there gave me a solid arsenal of coping skills that I feel are working for me right now. If I need extra help, I promise I will take it. I don’t want to end up in the hospital again. Anyway, I just wanted you both to hear it from me on why I’m headed to the bar and not from a neighborhood local who still has their opinions about me.”
“Thank you for letting us know. We love you, and stay safe. We are a text or call away. Have fun,” my gram says. Worry lingers in the air like a virus with the only cure being complete and full transparency. I’m goingto be proving myself for quite some time. I peck both of my grandparents on the cheek before heading out the door. It's about ten minutes from my house to Aces, but I make it in eight. Wow, he wasn't kidding when he said it was dead as I looked around at an empty parking lot. The second I walk into Aces, I spot him immediately. He’s pouring a drink for someone, but glances my way, giving me a nod to take a seat. After a few minutes, he walks to me with a large glass of water.
“What’s up?” he asks.
“So, the last time I was here, I hooked up with a girl I met outside. I took her back to my place, and well, things happened. The next morning, things went to complete shit. Avery lives next door to me, and Giselle and I—” I say, but the look in his eyes stops me.
