Page 38 of Be Your Somebody
I sit with those words for a few minutes, on the verge of understanding.
“I mean, maybe? I feel like I’m so close to an answer, but find myself up against this brick wall that’s keeping me from understanding what the hell is happening,” I say, exasperated.
“You have accomplished so much already in a short time. Even though you feel frustrated right now, it’s important to remind yourself to be patient and have some grace. Let's try shifting our approach for a second and see if maybe we can get that answer.”
She asks me to write out the scene that has been like a broken record in my head for the last couple of weeks. She hands me a pen and paper and tells me to first write out the flashback and then to continue with whatever comes into my head.
I spend the next ten minutes writing what I remember. When I begin the free writing, I’m transported backto that scene.
I’m back in the dark, cold room with only a single twin bed with red sheets. That same boy is sitting there looking small, but this time I hear a familiar voice: my father’s. This time I’m able to walk on the rickety stairs and that’s when I see my father talking to two different men that seem familiar. One man was arguing with my dad about not having the money for the stash. I see a wicked grin pull across my dad’s face that causes my body to freeze as bile threatens to rise in my throat. My dad makes a bargain that has my body going ice cold. My feet won’t allow me to move. I desperately need to warn the little boy downstairs, to warn myself of the danger headed my way. The other two men have the same evil smirk on their faces as they move past my father and head downstairs. With each creek of the steps, my heart beats harder in my throat.
The sound of my therapist's gentle words pulls me out of the memory.
“You remembered something, didn't you?” Dr. Z asks.
With my nod, the words come pouring out of my mouth. I notice that my chest is getting tight and my breathing becomes more rapid. How could I have forgotten something that big? I stand up without warning, desperate to release this buzzing energy inside me. I pace the office while Dr. Z watches me walk the perimeter of her office, trying to shake off the panic. I can imagine how insane I look, and my go-to deflection is to play it off with a joke. “I know. I look like I just escaped the mental hospital or something.” I laugh without humor.
“Want to know what I think?” she asks, causing me to stop mid-stride and nod my head for her to continue. “I think you remembered a very traumatic situation that you’ve blocked out for a long time. And you’re feeling scared and panicked.”
“But why am I just remembering everythingnow? Why wasn’t I able to do or say something when it happened? I can't believe how stupid I am for just remembering all this now when it happened forever ago. Like, I just let them do that shit to me.” Nausea threatens to take over my body and I begin to get lightheaded, so I sit down. My therapist must pick up on this because she starts guiding me through a deep breathing exercise while doing some more grounding.
“Cassidy, you are not stupid for remembering this now, nor are you stupid for not doing anything to save yourself then. I have some information that I want to give you that might help provide answers to your questions.” She makes her way toward the floor-to-ceiling metalfiling cabinet as my gaze focuses on the quote box atop the cabinet. I remember from my first session and had to fight the urge to roll my eyes back then, but now, I no longer want to do so. It reads, “You must let yourself feel it before you can heal it.”It’s scary how accurate it feels at the present moment. She turns around with the packet and catches me reading the sign.
“That’s such a great saying. We, myself included, don’t like to feel any intense emotions, so we often block them out or push them down. This leads me to this packet. I want you to read through it when you are ready and willing to accept and understand the information. There are reasons why you’re only remembering what happened now and this packet might help relieve some of your guilt and frustration with yourself. Now, I know you said you remembered things. You are more than welcome to share what you know in this safe space, or you can tell me whenever you’re ready.” Her words are so comforting that the words escape from me before I can stop them.
“He said it’ll be our little secret, and if you try to tell anyone, youwillregret it,” I say. I try to slow down my rapid breathing. I finally look into those calm, blue eyes and confirm her earlier thought. “I am that boy, and they sexually abused me.”
Chapter 24
Avery
Nobody stands me up
Excitementsizzlesinmybody like bacon on a hot pan. This has been a fantasy for so long, and never in my wildest dreams did I think it would happen. I am finally going on a date with Cas. The thought alone makes my heart soar like an eagle taking flight. I’m sure my nonstop giddy dancing has nothing to do with the rapid thumping of my pulse.
With excitement, though, comes anxiety and all the possible worst-case scenarios.What if he realizes I'm not what he wants? What if this doesn't work out and I lose my best friend again? What if he doesn't show?Ugh, fuckinganxiety.
These thoughts do nothing to calm my nerves. The inside of my head looks like a murder board with strings floating every which way. If my face doesn't give my feelings away, my room sure does. My closet looks like it had a temper tantrum all over my once spotless floor. Everything needs to be perfect tonight, and that includes my outfit. I’m still freaking out when Brianna walks into the room.
“Did your closet throw up?” she asks, staring at the mess at my feet.
“I, uh, can't figure out what to wear.” I look at her hopefully. If anyone knows how to handle my chaos, it’s Brianna. “Help me.” She finally looks up at my face and bursts out laughing. “Rude,” I say. “Here I thought my best friend would come and help me sort through this shit, but she comes in and laughs at my clear distress. Might have to put out an ad for a best friend.”
Bri clutches her side as she slowly recollects herself before speaking. “Ha, like you can find anyone as amazing, talented, beautiful, and wonderful as me. Get real, Ave. I’m the best person to ever walk into your life and you know it. You gotta admit, though, this is funny as hell. Missalways has her shit togetheris a complete mess.”
I roll my eyes, but end up laughing with her. “You know it's not nice to gloat, but you’re right. My room is a complete mess. I’m a complete mess. Please help me, oh amazing, talented, beautiful, and wonderful best friend a girl can have.” My pleading has a hint of sarcasm, but Bri doesn't miss a beat.
“Thank you for recognizing my awesomeness, even if it wassaid with sarcasm. Okay, let's take a look at what we have. We want Cas to toss you over his shoulder and haveyoufor dinner instead.” Bri winks at me. She fuckingwinks at me.The audacity of this woman. We spend what seems like hours finding the perfect outfit. Cas didn’t give me any details about where we were going. Not having all of the information mildly irritates me. The last thing I want is to show up in a tight dress with heels I can barely walk in if we are just going to the local pizza joint.
We finally land on a tight, silky, lavender slip dress that stops mid-thigh and pair it with sky-high, white, peep-toe heels. We leave my hair down in waves, letting it rest over one shoulder. I put the final touches on before walking over to the mirror to give myself a once over. I twist my body every which way and I’m in complete amazement at my reflection. I can’t remember the last time I felt this beautiful. I cup my face,careful not to ruin my makeup, which is stunning yet subtle. Bri has many talents, but makeup is definitely high on that list. There’s a gold shimmer dusted across my eyelids, and atop that is the faintest hint of eyeliner. My eyelashes have always been naturally long, so I wear just a hint of mascara. My hands move down the curves of my body and I have to hold back happy tears. Bri would kill me if I ruined her work. The sound of Bri clearing her throat shakes me out of my moment.
“Ave, you look stunning. He won’t be able to keep his hands off of you for long. I bet ten bucks you don’t make it to the restaurant,” she says. With that thought, my eyes widen with panic knowing we’ve never done anything physical. The possibility of kissing Cas has fear buzzing through my body like I’m drunk on tequila shots. The thought of actuallyhaving sex with him? I’ll admit, Cas has starred in many of my solo fantasies, but actually being that vulnerable with him terrifies me.
Bri doesn’t know about our lack of intimacy because I’m afraid of her response. She’s always been more open with her sexuality, whereas I’ve always been more timid. But I’ve never been good at hiding my emotions from her because she immediately notices the shift in my demeanor.
She’s speaking before I can collect myself. “What’s going on here? I thought Cas being unable to keep his hands off you would make you blush and be all cute. Instead, your face is all scrunchy and weird.” Damn it. Why is she so good at reading me?
“Um, well, we uh, we haven'texactly…”
