Page 48 of Be Your Somebody
Cas begins to slow down and that’s when I see a beach unfold before me, my body humming with tranquility. Being near the water always puts me at ease and erases all of my worries. I wish we could go hang out at the beach and just be, but I don’t think that’s what Cas has in mind. I think we’re about to pass the beach, but instead we are heading toward it.Are we going where I think we’re going? My head snaps in his direction and I see Cas with a goofy ass smirk on his face.
“Oh my God! Cas, you didn't! How? What? How?” All these questions come flying out of my mouth in rapid fire. But he keeps driving, ignoring them all.
“I can'tbelieveyou are taking me toThe Lagoon. This place has been booked solid for months! How did you manage this?” I turn to look at him with questioning eyes.
He shrugs. “I know a guy,” he says matter-of-factly.
“Who the hell do you know who has a connection like this?”
“My buddy is friends with the owner. I made a call and he hooked me up,” he responds.
“Well, look at you, Mr. Fancy Man. Who knew you had all of these connections? I’ve been dying to come here, so thank you.” I lean over to kiss his cheek. I can’t help but dance in my seat with anticipation and excitement as we reach our destination.
“I’m so glad that my first time here is with you and that we finally get our chance at a date.” Our gazes lock. I can feel the love and yearning igniting between us. We must have stayed there too long because the sound of the valet knocking on the window jolts us back to reality. Cas gets out and walks around the car to open the door for me before handing the keys and a ten-dollar tip to the man in a purple, suede jacket.
His hand finds mine and he starts leading me toward the restaurant entrance, but stops me before we enter. “It's the same for me, too,” he expresses.
“What’s the same for you?” My voice comes out in a whisper.
“That I get to share this experience with you.” He says, leaning down to press a quick kiss to my lips before we make our way inside the restaurant.
I’ve heard about how beautiful this place was, but being here with Cas is a fairytale. The Lagoonis next to the beach, so you can listen to the crashing waves as you eat. In the middle of the restaurant lies a large wooden dance floor with couples already moving together as a jazz band plays on a slightly elevated platform. Above the dancing couples are hundreds of fairy lights hanging from four large wooden columns on each corner of the dance floor. My attention shifts towardsthe seating area where I notice the tables all gleam chestnut brown and are in various sizes to fit small or larger parties.
We make our way to one of the more intimate tables with a trio of white, pre-lit candles sitting in the middle of the space. Cas pulls the chair out for me, then walks over to the other side of the table.
“Cas, this place is amazing. And isn’t this view just breathtaking?” My voice comes out breathless, and my eyes are filled with wonder and amazement.
“Truly stunning,” Cas says. When I look at him, his eyes are glued to my face.
“I meant the beach view, Cas.”
“I know what you meant, but the view I’m looking at is better than any beach.” He takes my hand in his and gives it a light squeeze. The waiter makes his way over to us, and I can’t help but stare at Cas while the waiter speaks. Cas looks at me with amusement on his face, and that's when I realize the waiter is staring at me with a question in his eyes. A blush creeps up from my neck, making my face feel hot as I murmur an apology. Cas struggles to hold in his laugh while I ask the waiter to repeat the drink specials to me.
I take my hand back so we can take a moment to study the menu. Everything looks so delicious that I’m slightly overwhelmed. We both end up ordering the same dish: chicken parmesan and a side salad. While the silence in the car was comfortable, I was glad that conversation picked up at the table. We talk about our days and laugh at our inside jokes and childhood memories. I’m really hoping that he won’t bring up the song writing competition. I’m still waiting for the perfect moment to share the song I wrote for him and I don’t want to ruin the moment. I really love seeing him like this, carefree and open.
“So you know how I told you in the car that I was thinking good things?” he blurts out. When I nod my head, he continues. “I’ve been stuck on something you said earlier today.” I try to wrack my brain of all the things I said, trying to figure out what he’s referring to.
“You said, ‘when we get home,’ and it has me thinking. Being with you feels good, and every time I touch you, it feels like I’m home. I just want you to consider me your home, too,” he says with the raw vulnerability of a child. This side of Cas is an arrow straight to my heart. Cas beingso open and raw is still all new to me. It's something that I could get used to.
“Cas, you have to believe you deserve it. You feel like home to me too. I love how I can be myself around you. I can’t make you believe anything I tell you. That’s something you have to learn to work through. I can only hope my words will be enough for you.” It still breaks my heart to see him struggle with his self-confidence. In high school, he always came off as self-assured and cocky. Now, I wonder if that was genuine or if it was all an act to hide what he felt underneath.
“Speaking of working through things. I’ve actually been meaning to talk to you about something.” Cas’ gaze refuses to meet mine, an anxious tell of his I’ve picked up on. I know his toxic view on anxiety and how it's this taboo thing. I’ve tried to talk to him about how it makes me feel. I’ve always known Cas struggled with anxiety. Ever since I was diagnosed, it opened my eyes to others who suffer—Cas being one of them. Before our friendship went to shit in high school, I tried to talk to him about his anxiety. It never went well. Besides our epic fight in the hallway, that was the only other time we got into it. No matter how many ways I spun it, Cas never could see how his view on anxiety affected me.
“What did you want to talk about?” A million and one scenarios play out in my head and I bring my focus to my breath, forcing myself to regulate my breathing before it becomes too erratic.
“I’m sorry.” Well, that’s not what I expected him to say.
“Sorry? What are you apologizing for?”
“For how I made you feel about anxiety. I've been working on accepting my own issues with mental health. The more I thought about how I viewed mental health, the more I realized I was kind of a dick to you about yours. I–I’m sorry that I ever made you feel like there was something wrong with you or that anxiety was this abnormal thing only crazy people have.” Cas clears his throat and when his gaze finally locks with mine, I can see genuine remorse and empathy shine back at me.
“Cas,” I whisper as I move to cover his hand with mine. When I open my mouth again, he shakes his head.
“No, please let me finish. You are a goddamn warrior. Your anxiety makes you special. It makes you beautiful, kind, and an overall badass. You tried to get me to understand that in high school and even though I wasn’t ready, I should have never said that I wasn’t crazy. The fact thatI made you feel anything other than amazing doesn’t sit well with me. You embracing your anxiety has actually helped me accept mine, so I guess a thank you is necessary as well. So, thank you.”
The wind has been officially knocked out of me. That’s the only way to describe the sensation in my stomach as I catch my breath. An invisible weight I hadn’t realized I’d been carrying melted off my shoulders. I hadn’t realized I was still holding onto that pain until this moment. With his words, he took a pin to a recurring anxious thought and popped it.
“I, well, thank you, that means a lot. I didn’t know I needed to hear that until now. I’m glad you’re coming to terms with having mental health issues. It’s never made you a broken man, Cas, because you never were. I adore every part of you, and now I have another piece of you to hold, cherish, and protect. Thank you for finally understanding that anxiety isn’t such a bad thing. So many of us struggle with it and it’s normal.” A mix of relief and happiness prick behind my eyes, but I blink them back.
