Page 69 of Be Your Somebody
Hospital.
Deep breaths, Avery, deep breaths.It’s been a year since I was last in this hospital, sitting in the same rigid, maroon chairs. I never imagined being here again. The slight flickering of the fluorescent lights reminds me of a nightclub. The scent of lemon and bleach is so pungent it burns the hairs in my nose. Unable to sit still much longer, I pace back and forth on theICU's hard, linoleum floor, wearing out the soles of my shoes. They say no news is good news, right? So why do those words increase the rapid beating of my heart? Dizziness slams into me with the same ferocity as one of those spinning tunnel rides at the carnival.
I force myself to sit down and bring my attention to my surroundings. Bri is to my right with Evelyn and Michael to my left. Their love and support are my cocoon. The warmth of their comfort is a giant bear hug, yet I still can’t help but feel alone. My heart and soul are in that operating room. All I can do is wait, feeling completely and utterly helpless. There’s a bomb inside my chest, ready to detonate.
I try to breathe through the panic, but it only amplifies. I thought I was hiding my feelings pretty well, but Bri noticed. “All your pacing makes me nauseous, and your face is so white it’s practically translucent,” she says. Before I can respond, she’s dragging me into a chair, forcing me to sit down. I open my mouth, wanting to argue, but the fierce look in her eyes shuts me up before I even get a word out.
“You sit down and try to relax. Listen, we don’t know what’s happening. I get it you’re scared, but remember that no news is good news.” She means well, and her attempt to get me to take care of myself doesn't go unnoticed. I should be relaxing and not jumping to the worst-case scenario, but I’m at war with my mind and it's a losing battle.
“I understand you’re worried about me, and I love you for it. It’s just that after everything that Cas and I have been through, I—" I choke on my words, so I take a half-assed attempt at a deep breath before continuing. “I can’t get it out of my head that it’s goodbye. It doesn't seem fair that Cas is about to be taken from me before we had a chance to grow.” My voice is so raw and soft that it barely comes out, and I’m surprised that Bri even heard what I said. She brings her hands up to frame my face. I can feel the warmth of her smooth palms trying to break through the chill I feel.
“Oh, honey, sorry doesn’t feel like a big enough word, but I am sorry. I hate seeing you like this.” She pulls me into the biggest hug. “Just tell me what to do and I’ll do it. Want me to harass every nurse and doctor within a five-mile radius? Done. Want me to go get every comfort food out of the vending machine and bring it to you? Done. Just please let me help you.” Her voice croaks with desperation.
I pull back from her hug to look her in the eye. “Bri, you simply being here is already so much more than I could ever ask for. I love and appreciate you so much. Just don’t leave me alone.” With shaky hands, I bring them to rest atop hers and squeeze, hoping it shows that I mean what I say.
“Then that’s what—" Her voice abruptly cuts off and my eyes collide with the doctor who has my heart in her hands. My heart beats faster with each step the doctor takes toward us. Her expression is unreadable, doing nothing to soothe the fluttering in my stomach. She starts speaking, but the ringing in my ears makes it impossible to hear.He’s dead. She’s coming to tell me they couldn't save him.
If thinking of the worst-case scenario was an Olympic sport, I’d take the gold. You know, anxiety at its finest. I’m forced to watch this scene play out, wishing for a remote to change the channel. But there’s no remote for real life, and I can’t rewind or pause this moment.
He’s dead,I repeat back to myself. I can no longer feel my body. Time is at a standstill. The anxious part of me decides that now is the perfect time to share all the things we will miss out on. I’ll never get to see a sunset with him again. He won't ever get to hang with his grandparents, playing board games and pretending to be bad at them so that they can win. I won't ever get to kiss him, see his smile, or hear his laugh. He’ll never get to chase after his dreams or become a father. We won't ever have the life we planned for ourselves. That last thought breaks my heart the most.
Brianna’s embrace brings me back to the present. I shake my head, clearing the mental fog and searching for the doctor, but she’s nowhere to be found. I blink a few times trying to rid my brain of the mental cobwebs. When I open them again, Max and Asher are sitting next to Cas’ grandparents, providing them comfort. When did they get there? How did they get here? I go to open my mouth to speak, but Bri’s arms are squeezing the life out of me.
Seeing Bri’s tear-soaked face is all it takes for me to lose my shit. My body collapses to the floor and I begin hyperventilating. She joins me on the floor, wrapping her arms around me. I’m aware she’s talking, but it takes me a few seconds to focus on her words. When I’m finally able to comprehend what she’s saying, my brows furrow in confusion and I feel anger bubbling in my throat.
“I honestly thought it was all over and just felt completely helpless that I couldn’t do anything to help you. You know me, always needing to know what to do. Before that miracle worker delivered the best news, I was unprepared for how to help you." She says all this so quickly, that it took me a minute to process.
“What do you mean, good news? He’s fucking dead. How could you say something like that to me?” I ask. Out of the corner of my eye, I notice Asher stand up and make his way toward us. When Bri shoots him a look over her shoulder, his steps falter. Bri lifts my lifeless body off the floor and grips my arm with enough strength to keep me from falling. We make our way to a more secluded part of the hospital so that I won’t make even more of a scene.
“Honey, what are you talking about? You heard what the doctor said didn’t you?” She’s looking at me with a perplexed expression.
“I, um, yeah?” Wait, did I? I was so wrapped up in my head, that I questioned if I heard what the doctor said. Then seeing Max and Asher at the hospital, my mind has been a clusterfuck of chaos.
“Uh, I, um,” I stutter out, unable to form a coherent sentence.
“Damn. I should have noticed when you said nothing to the doctor. You were looking right at her, so I assumed you heard what she said. It all makes sense now. When I hugged you, it felt like you were a million miles away.”
Sitting me down, Brianna relays everything the doctor said. Cas suffered from a gunshot wound to the stomach, but he pulled through surgery very well and is set to recover fully. If everything keeps progressing at the current rate, he can move out of the ICU within a day or two.
The adrenaline begins to wear off and I find myself no longer able to keep my eyes open. Brianna offers to take me home as I am in no condition to drive. Even though I’m about to lose my battle with consciousness, I need to talk to his grandparents before we leave.
I try to make my way over to them, but my body is too tired to carry itself. Bri has her arm around my waist, dragging me over to them. Evelyn’s glassy, bloodshot eyes snap up to meet mine. We don’t say anything, we don’t need to. Instead, we let our bodies do the talking. The moment she stands up, I am transferred from Bri’s arms to hers. We just hold each other, allowing the embrace to say everything our words can’tconvey. Soon enough, I feel Michael's arms wrap around me. We hold each other, relief leaving our bodies like steam does from a boiled kettle.
I step out of their arms and smile, allowing my face to show how grateful I am for them. They nod their heads and squeeze my shoulders before walking down the hall. My eyes sting with exhaustion, but I have two more important people to talk to before I go.
Asher and Max are sitting next to each other, eyes trained on the floor, giving me and Cas’ grandparents our privacy. They must sense my eyes on them because they bring their gazes to meet mine. They almost look as tired as I feel. Cas hasn’t had the best support group, but these two men have given him so much. They have been so great and supportive, taking him under their wing and showing him that he deserves friendship.
Asher gets up first and goes to hug me, but I shake my head. “I need to get this out before I pass out. Asher. Max. I wanted to thank you for showing him a true, healthy friendship. I can’t thank you enough for all the support you have given him. He’s used to people lying and manipulating him to get what they want, but you two never did that. You know about his struggles, yet you chose to see the person underneath. Even with him buried beneath so much rubble, you took the time and helped him through it. You saw Cas, the one I always knew was in there. So for all of that, thank you.” My last few words come out wobbly as I’m holding back fresh tears. They look at me, both of their eyes glassy and before I know it, I’m being squished between them in a hug.
“You don’t have to thank us, Avery. We’re here for him and will always be there for him. But we’re here for you, too. Yes, we’re his friends, but we’re yours, too. We would do anything for either of you.” Asher is the first to speak.
“Yeah, what Ash said. We’re here for both of you. Now, go home and sleep, Ave. You’re dead on your feet, and we don’t need to get questioned for dragging a body out of the hospital today,” Max says while placing a kiss on the side of my head.
I’m always grateful for Brianna, especially today. She knew that I was going to everything in my control to get to Cas–even though I wouldn’t be able to see him.
My body is completely lifeless, my energy depleted. I’m not sure how Brianna managed to get me in the car, but she did.
I glance over to Bri, my heart full of love and appreciation. “Thank you for today. I couldn’t have survived without you,” I mumble.
