Page 19 of Be Your Somebody
I knew back then I made the right choice by choosing me. It’s so easy to fall down the rabbit hole that is my friendship with Cas. My hand clutches my broken heart as I reminisce about the years I went without Cas by my side.
Years without my best friend or battling conflicting feelings of anger, sadness, and loneliness. Years of stolen glances and yearning for the boyI once knew or wondering if I had done the right thing. Despite the things he had done and said to me, I never hated him. I just couldn’t get myself to do that. Deep down, he was still that eight-year-old boy who held my hand when I cried or made-up silly jokes to make me laugh. What hurt the most wasn’t him using but mourning the boy who once was.
My feet feel like lead. Walking upstairs requires double the effort with how emotionally exhausted I am. I curl into the safety and comfort of my bedding, and the second my head hits the pillow, I’m out like a light.
It’s been one week since Cas practically dry-humped that bitch right in front of me. Flashbacks of all the girls he would fuck around with in high school play in my brain on a loop. The green monster inside my chest threatens to come out, but I don’t want to admit I feel jealous. Admitting that means I still have feelings for him. Ugh, who are you fooling? You still love the man. You never stopped. I let out a long, frustrated sigh. Fuck men, and fuck feelings. They suck!
Cas has been stopping by daily to attempt a civil, adult conversation, but I still don’t think he fully understands. I’m in the middle of getting ready for work when the sound of a knock startles me. I know who it is before I even open the door. I could ignore the knocks, but knowing Cas, they will become more consistent.
I open the door, ready to speak, but he beats me to it.
"Just hear me out. If after everything I've said you still don't want to talk to me, then I'll leave you alone.” Desperation pours out of his voice.
I let out a soft sigh before stepping out onto the porch. “Okay, but I don't have long until I leave for work."
“I'll take it. I've made a lot of mistakes in my life, but hurting you is by far the worst one. I went to the bar last week, and I—"
“You went to thebar?” My voice is slightly louder than I intended, causing Cas to flinch.
“I needed a distraction. I swear I didn't drink or anything. My mind has been a fucked-up mess since our fight and I needed to get out of my head. So, I went to Aces and sat with Asher while he worked. I was soupset about our fight and then seeing you with Max, I just snaped. After I word-vomited to Asher he called my ass out for being Jealous of Max.”
“Jealous of Max? Cas, nothing is going on with Max and I.” I can’t help the laugh that bubbles out of my throat.
“I know that now. He told me there was no reason for me to feel intimidated by him. There's no excuse for hooking up with Giselle. I kept seeing him plant a kiss on your cheek and I reverted back to what I always do. Even after knowing nothing was going on between the two of you I got jealous of your friendship. And then memories of what used to be started playing on repeat in my mind. I was jealous that he gets to be a part of your life and I'm stuck watching from the sidelines. And I know I don't deserve to feel jealous because I messed up, but I do."
“Cas, we can’t keep doing this.Ican’t keep doing this. This whole toxic cycle we’ve been in since high school needs to stop. Do you even remember how it was in high school? When you were too busy getting high to come to my choir concerts? Remember when I had that solo, a solo I worked my ass off for, by the way, and you promised to be there in the front row?”
“I-I—" Cas stammers.
“I also remember our fight in the freshman hallway where I was begging and pleading with you to get help, but you brushed me off like I was a measly, little crumb. Do you remember those cruel words you said to me that day?” I ask. A look of recognition glitters in Cas’ eyes, but I’m too heated to stop.
"You said, and I quote,‘God, when did you get so clingy? We aren’t fucking so you don’t get to be like this’.”
“Well, did you forget the part where you compared me to my father? You know how I feel about him, and you still said that shit to me.” Cas responds. Those words still haunt me to this day. His father has always been a sensitive topic for him, but I didn’t care. I regretted it the moment I said it, but the damage was done. Just like the damage was done when I told him he won’t stay sober.
“You’re right. I shouldn't have compared you to him. I was so hurt and frustrated and said some shitty things. Things I immediately regretted. Speaking of saying shitty things, I need to apologize for what I said last week. I—" I begin to speak, but he interrupts me.
“Avery, you don’t have to apologize. I deserve—" but now I’m the one interrupting him.
“Let me just get this out. It takes a lot for someone to seek help and I threw that in your face. In that moment, I was that fifteen-year-old me was afraid of history repeating itself. Watching you with Giselle, well it sucked. Regardless, I shouldn’t have hurt your feelings to protect my own and for that, I'm sorry.” I swallow back my pride while reassuring fifteen-year-old me that everything is okay. That I have her back.
“I'm sorry too. I've been a mess since that letter…” Cas pauses a moment, giving me the perfect opportunity to talk about the elephant in the room.
“Writing that letter destroyed me. I couldn't keep getting my hopes up only to have you stomp all over them. I want—no, Ineedto know I matter to you, Cas,” I say.
“Youdomatter to me, Avery. More than you’ll ever know,” he replies.
“If I’m that important to you, then why hurt me?” My voice comes out raspy.
“I’m scared. I’m afraid you’ll think I’m just a no-good junkie, just like my dad. My default mode, courtesy of my father, is self-destruction. I self-sabotage before someone can have the chance to hurt me. Something my therapist called me out on, actually. Deep down, I didn't feel that someone like was ever worthy of your friendship or kindness.” His words are a knife, hitting me directly in my heart.
“Cas,” I whisper. How can he seriously think like that? He's the most important person in my life; all I want is to know and see all of him. It makes me both sad and angry that he can stand there and talk about himself like that.
“With all that floating around in my mind plus the letter, it threw me over the edge. So, I found a distraction and took her home. No one feels more disgusted with me than I do, especially after the things she said to you. She's wrong, by the way," he says.
“Wrong?”
“You’re worthy of someone who will love you completely. Whoever that guy ends up being, he’ll be the luckiest man alive because he’ll get to call you his,” he says.
