Page 32 of Be Your Somebody
I chat with my grandparents for a few hours, catching up with them and seeing how their vacation is going. Despite talking to them for two hours, it still isn’t time for my evening with Avery, so I do something that I dislike immensely: clean the house. Therapy this afternoon wiped me out emotionally, especially with how today’s session went. My therapist challenged me left and right, calling out all my intrusive thoughts. Regardless of all of that, I was able to share some of my career and life goals with her—something I wouldn’t have done even a yearago.
Sharing my personal goals with her while she sat there nonjudgmentally felt freeing. While I’m grateful my grandparents are helping me out financially so I can focus on my sobriety, I don’t want to mooch off them forever. I want to be able to provide for my future self and family. Family. Avery. Those two words are forever synonymous in my heart. I wouldn’t mind seeing a few mini-Avery’s running around.
Being emotionally exhausted tends to put me out for the rest of the day, but cleaning and organizing everything in the house has me feeling oddly energized. Maybe it's a control thing? Or maybe it's the anticipation of getting to see Avery soon.
My phone is pinging every other second, alerting me that my group chat with Asher and Max is very active. They have been asking about the whole best friend bootcamp experiment since it started. I engage as much as I can while I continue to clean the house, and before I know it, it’s almost time for the next boot camp item.
I head down to set everything up about fifteen minutes before Avery is due to arrive. This proves to work in my favor because my nervous energy that’s swirling in my body makes it harder to not smush the snacks. Everything is in its place and as I walk back to my house, I glance at the time on my phone. Five more minutes to go and the nervous butterflies have only amplified.
Deep breaths, Cas.I repeat that mantra as I walk toward our meeting spot and freeze. Avery is standing there, nervously playing with her fingers. Today she’s dressed in a white, cotton sundress resting just above the knees, white Keds, and a black sweater hanging over her arm. Her naturally wavy hair is down and her face is bare. If I thought she looked good in the sunlight, it was nothing compared to how she looked blanketed underneath the moon’s glow.
While she’s distracted, I take out my phone and snap a few photos. I normally prefer my camera, but because I was in a rush I forgot to bring it. She glances up and her smile lights up her entire face. I make my way over to her and reach out to give her a hug, but she looks down at my hands.
“What's that?” she asks, pointing to the box.
I had forgotten entirely about the bracelet the moment I saw her. My anxiety triples as my gaze shifts toward the box in my hand. I should have never bought the damn bracelet.
“It’s nothing. It's stupid, really.” I can’t bring myself to look at her, afraid of what I’ll see in her eyes.
“Is it for me?” Her voice comes out in a whisper and I nod, unable to speak. “Then it’s definitelynotstupid.” She grabs the box from my limp hands and opens it. I hear her gasp, and then nothing. Complete silence. When I hear a sniffling noise, my head snaps up. The bracelet hangs limply in her hands and tears are pooling in her eyes.
“Shit. Don't worry I'll just take it back to the store. You won’t have to see it anymore. I’m sorry for making you cry.” I reach for the bracelet only to have her tighten her grip and shake her head.
“No, it's not that. I love it, Cas. It looks like the one you gave me when we were kids,” she whimpers as tears continue to fall, but there’s a soft smile on her face.
“Can you put it on me?” I nod. My hands are so shaky with nerves that it takes two tries for me to actually get the bracelet on her wrist. The rainbow beads are the perfect contrast against her peachy skin. My grip is still locked around her wrist, and like Rose fromTitanic, I never want to let go. Bravery seems to be the theme for the day because I don’t think twice about interlocking my fingers with hers and I’m rewarded with a full-on, ear to ear grin. All my anxiety whooshes out of me and I match her grin with one of my own. With her hand in mine, we walk toward the blanket and snacks. I hear her gasp before she lets go of my hand to run the rest of the way over to our setup. I miss the warmth of her hand in mine, but seeing the pure joy on her face makes up for the loss.
“You did all this for me?” She looks at the setting, completely awestruck, before turning to me.
I’d do anything for you, I think to myself. Avery beams up at me as she makes herself comfy on the blanket. I don’t move to join her, content with watching her figure out which snack she wants to open first.
“Are you just going to stand there or are you going to sit down next to me?” Avery pats a spot next to her, hoping I will join her. I smile before closing the remaining distance between us to sit down beside her. My eyes flutter closed as I listen to the sounds of random snacks being opened while the crickets' songs fill my ears.
The sound of the blanket shifting and plastic ruffling has me snapping my eyes open. Avery has put aside the snacks and is now lying beside me. She reaches for my hand this time and I barely resist the impulseto bring our joined hands to my lips. My fingers play with her bracelet as we discuss our day and relive some of our favorite childhood memories. She tells me about almost getting bit in the ass by a feral cat at her job, and I can’t help but chuckle. I remind her of the time a garter snake snuck into my grandparents' home. How she came barreling, tongs in hand, ready to take the snake back outside. And she graciously reminded me of the time a bird shit on my head while we were riding our bikes.
I think about my earlier conversation with my therapist and feel the urge to share it with Avery. Besides my grandparents, Avery is the only person who encourages me to push myself and chase after my dreams. I can either take the leap and share it with her, or allow my imposter syndrome to keep me as a prisoner. Okay, here goes everything.
“So, I’ve been thinking about my purpose in life lately. I’m glad I can spend this time focusing on my sobriety while my grandparents help me out, but I don’t want to keep living that way,” I say.
“I understand that. I get that way sometimes, too. I love working at the shelter, but I feel like there is more out there for me. I mean, I get to take care of all these animals and help find them forever home. But, it doesn’t feel like enough sometimes. On the plus side, I get to hang out with all the kitties without feeling guilty,” she replies.
“Guilty? Guilty about what?” I ask, but Avery quickly changes the conversation.
“The sky is just so pretty. I love gazing up at the stars.” She no longer wants to talk about the cat, so I let it drop. I put this information into the folder markedAveryin my mind to access at a later time.
I go to speak, but I’m rudely interrupted when a drop hits my forehead. A few more drops fall down my face and I panic. It wasn't supposed to rain today. I begin to frantically collect everything before it gets wet. Avery helps me, and eventually, we make it up to my house with just enough time to spare before the downpour starts. I toss everything inside before walking back to meet Avery to take her home. The choice to be brave strikes again. I pull out my phone before losing the nerve. When I find the perfect song, I reach my hand toward her.
“What are you doing?” She looks down at my outstretched hand.
“Dancing with you in the rain.” She hesitates only briefly before placing her hand in mine. We walk toward the grass and I spin her around twice before our bodies softly collide. One of my hands falls upon herlower back while the other is holding her hand. Our faces and bodies are pressed close together as we sway to the beginning notes ofCan’t Help Falling in Love.
Rain continues to pelt our bodies, but I’m so wrapped up in her I hardly notice. Avery snuggles into my chest as my chin rests atop her head. My thumb traces imaginary patterns across her knuckles, eliciting a soft moan that shoots through my body. The sound of Avery’s unapologetic laughter as I spin her in and out is my new favorite song. She tosses her head back, lost in her bliss, providing the perfect opportunity to inhale her intoxicating scent. She gasps and her gaze snaps back to mine, our mouths mere inches apart. I let my eyes linger on her lips briefly before returning my attention to her eyes.
I place one hand against the base of her throat, feeling shivers ripple down Avery’s spine. Our breathing quickens. In one swift move, I could kiss her. I shake off the thought, knowing how important it is to finish what I started before putting our hearts on the line. With great restraint, I pull back and try to ignore the flash of disappointment in her eyes.Me too, Avery. Me too.Within seconds, her frown is replaced with a superficial smile, and it kills me not to pull her in and kiss her. Instead, I grab her hand and walk her home. When we arrive at her house, I lean in and slowly push wet hair out of her face, committing every beautiful detail that is Avery to memory. Her eyes widen and her lips part, and I can’t help but think this woman will be the death of me.
My forehead rests against hers and I feel my heart click into place. I’m completely lost in love with my best friend and I don’t want to be found. My thumb strokes her cheek, the softness of her skin feels like bed sheets made of the highest quality silk. “Goodnight, Avery.”
“Oh…Goodnight, Cas.” Her voice comes out in a whisper. I give her hand a quick squeeze moving in the opposite direction toward my house. I glance over my shoulder to see her watching me, cradling her hands against her chest. It physically hurts to walk away without kissing her, but everything comes in time, and with Avery, the timing needs to be perfect. Because when I cross that line, there’s no way I’ll be able to go backward without destroying my heart.
