Page 55 of Be Your Somebody
I didn’t even hear the sound of the camera going off because I was too stunned. I must have made a face, though, because his next few words took me by surprise.
“You don't like it.” Cas’ body oozed disappointment.
“What? No! Cas, I love it. I’m just confused by why you would gift me this journal.”
“You deserved to have a special journal just for your music. Something to put all of your beautiful songs into,” he said quietly, not quite looking at my face.
Tears welled behind my eyes and I was grateful he wasn’t looking at me. I needed a moment to collect myself. This was one of the nicest things anyone had ever done for me, which meant even more coming from him. I caressed the notebook gently as if it were fragile and might break apart any second. My vision clouded and hot tears rushed down my face.
“Damn it, Avery, I didn't mean to upset you. I know you love writing, and you’re so talented. I shit, I'm sorry. Here, give it to me and I’ll take it back. Don't worry, I’ll fix it.” I returned the journal to the box and threw my arms around him.
“Cas, you will do no such thing. This is one of the nicest things you could have done for me. I will cherish this journal forever and can’t wait to start writing in it. If you take it back or apologize for getting me this, I will throw your ass into this lake.” He hugged me back, and this hug felt different somehow. I put that thought away to process later. I pulled back and reached for the journal, touching it again to make sure it was real.
I had been slowly stumbling since the beginning of summer break. But with this one moment, this one act of kindness, I knew. I gazed up at his beautiful face through tear-soaked eyes. I realized I had fallen head over heels in love with my best friend.
Present day, Fall of 2023
When I place the box on the end of my bed, it tumbles to the ground with a soft thud, scattering its contents across my bedroom floor. Setting my journal aside, I reach for the box and that’s when I see the photo from that summer. Cas was always taking photos. With his grandfather being so talented at photography, it made sense that Cas would take to the hobby, as well. And he's stupidly good at it. Cas being Cas, would shrug and make some self-deprecated joke anytime I told himso.
My fingers caress the photo and I can feel the emotions of that day as if they were happening in the present. Any doubts I had about sharing my song with him now flew out the window. The thought of him walking around feeling like he’s broken is the encouragement I need to follow through. I place the photo in the box and place it on the bed. Reaching for my phone, I text Cas before I lose my bravery.
Me: Hey, are you busy?
Cas: Not really. What’s up?
Me: Can you come over? I have something I want to show you.
I am waiting for his response. Those three little dots dance for a few seconds. My heart feels like it's in my throat with how fast and hard it's beating.
Cas: Be there in five.
I let out a long, unsteady breath and call the person who always comforts me.
“She’s alive. I’ve been texting you,” Bri answers.
“I know I’ve been avoiding you. I’m sorry. I was just calling to let you know I’m doing it today. I texted Cas and he’s on his way over.” I don’t need to clarify what I am doing because Bri knows. She always knows.
“Fucking finally. How are you feeling?” she asks. My thoughts and feelings pour out of me too quickly. I should be worried that Bri won’t understand what I’m saying, but she’s known me too long.
“Girl, that man worships the ground you walk on. He’s going to love it. Trust yourself. Trust your talent, but more importantly, trust his feelings for you. I read the song and it is good, Avery. Like professional-level, good. Just let go and sing your beautiful heart out.”
“I knew you would be the person to call to help calm me down. Thanks, Bri. I honestly don't know what I would do without you.” My heart rate slows and relief wraps around me like a warm hug.
“Duh. You don't need luck or good vibes because he’ll love it. Trust that gut of yours, and make sure you let me know how it goes. I love you,” she says.
“I loveyou, too, bye.”
Cas enters my music room at the exact moment I hang up the phone. “Oh, so you say, ‘I love you’ to everyone?” I know he isn't serious by the teasing nature of his tone.
“You know I love you. That was Bri on the phone, giving me some last-minute courage and advice.”
“Why do you need courage?” he asks. His eyes follow mine as I reach for the journal. “Is that…” he asks. I nod my head while hyper-fixating on his facial expressions.
“Wow, I haven't seen that thing in ages. I can't believe you still have it.” Cas moves past me toward the box before looking up at me. He walks toward me and gently picks up the photo as if he’s afraid he’ll damage it. Cas clears his throat before continuing. “You, uh, you kept this?” he asks.
“Of course, I kept it. It’s a beautiful photo, Cas. Despite how I felt for you during high school, I still cared about you. The photo and notebook came from you so that makes them important to me. I do have a confession, though. When we stopped being friends when you were, well, you know.” I still can’t say the words. My eyes cast downward.
“Using heroin? It’s okay. You can say it.”
