Page 59 of Be Your Somebody
“I’m glad you didn’t. If you did, I don’t think I’d have remained sober. And I know we would not be where we are now. And Ireallylike where we are right now.” He nuzzles my neck and I sigh softly. He’s right. If we kept continuing that cycle, it would have exploded into tiny shards, unable to be put back together again.
“You’re right. I also really like where we are. Especially where we were last night. I just still can’t help but feel like I failed both the eight-year-old and adult Cas.” My voice comes out so softly that I almost wonder if he heard me.
“Avery, it’s not—" he starts to say, but I shake my head and he stops.
“I know it's not my fault and I didn’t fail you. I love you so much, and want you to be safe and happy. I just can’t wrap my head around having no control over what happened, and Ihateit.” I feel his chest shake beneath my head. I look up at him, thinking I said something to upset him, only to see him laughing.
“Are you seriously laughing at me right now?” My eyebrows are raised so high they practically touch my hairline, my words coming out louder than intended.
His humor turns to shock before he speaks. “What? No. You just reminded me of something my therapist said. She's been helping me sort through my feelings and letting go of the blame I carry."
“Smart woman.”
“Oh she is, Actually, you would love her. She’s helped me out a lot. Maybe one day, you can come to a session with me?"
Going to one of his therapy sessions would be helpful, but I don't want to make it about me. “I would be honored to go, but this is your healing journey. I'm happy supporting you from the sidelines. It would be counterproductive if you have to constantly calm me down from the rage I feel at what happened to you.” I respond.
“Avery, when you truly love someone, you learn to compromise a little. I've," he shifts our positions so that we're face to face. His hands cup either side of my face, his thumb brushing across my cheeks in a soothing pattern.
"Freckles. I have spent many years being selfish and only caring for myself. Let me learn to be a little selfless and take care of you. A big part of my healing process includes you.”
I stare into my favorite gray eyes and tears threaten to spill over. Cas’ eyes widen, but I’m shaking my head, attempting to stop the rabbit hole of his anxious thoughts. “These are happy tears, Cas. I have everything I want and need in my life. I have friends, family, and you. I have a job I love and a cat—" I stop abruptly. I don’t actually have a cat, just a rescue that I’ve fallen in love with.
“Did you just say a cat? You finally got one of your own? But wait, how come I haven’t seen it around here? Are you in the process of getting it?” His questions are like stabs to my heart. I don’t know how to answer his questions without sounding stupid. It’s been years since my parents’ death. I have no legitimate reason why I can’t get a damn cat myself. But for some reason, every time I say fuck it and make the move to get one, either guilt eats me up or the damn cat I’ve grown attached to at the shelter has already been adopted. It feels like the universe is shouting at me that a cat just isn’t in the cards for me.
“Avery, where did you go?” Cas places his hand underneath my chin, forcing me to look at him.
“So I used to volunteer at the animal shelter which turned into me working there. You know how badly I’ve wanted a cat, and I still do. My parents left me the house, but I still think of it as their home. And bringing in a cat feels wrong somehow which sounds dumb—" The grip on my chin tightened.
“Aves. I never want to hear those damn words out of your mouth ever again, you understand?” My eyes widen with shock and maybe fear. He rarely raises his voice at me; having him do so now is no different.
“Y-yes, I promise,” I stutter.
“Good girl, now continue.” He presses a quick kiss to my forehead, all anger leaving his body.
“I still feel like it’s betraying their wishes somehow. I can’t explain it. Yet, I’ve grown attached to different cats over the years. Every time I say fuck it, I’m getting a cat it’s already been adopted. I’m close again this time, but I know she’ll be adopted when I’m finally ready.”
“What’s her name?” My eyes squint in confusion. Why does he need to know her name?
“I—um, I’ve named her Binx,but her name currently is Mauve.Wanna see a pic of her?” I ask, and he nods his head. I pull myself out of his arms and walk into my bedroom for my phone as he follows behind me. I scroll through the thousands of pictures of her, looking for the perfect one to show him.
“Here she is.” My eyes soften and I can’t help the cheesy grin that breaks across my face.
“She looks like yours, baby. One day you'll have a cat of your own.” His face has this look that I’ve never really seen before. It looks as if an idea or something has formed inside his mind. I don’t care to overanalyze it right now, so instead, I pull his mouth down to mine. The meeting of teeth and tongue is slow and sweet as I pour all the feelings from today into this kiss. With this kiss, I make my own promise to protect him and his heart at all costs.
Chapter 36
Cassidy
If Avery wants it, she’ll get it
Winter of 2023
AveryandIhavebeen taking turns between each other's houses over the past few months. So when I wake up alone for the first time, it feels like a loss. We aren't living together, and everything is new, but I could get used to waking up beside her every morning. I roll over to her designated side of my bed, where the delicious scent of her floral shampoo stilllingers.
Avery has given me so much in the time I’ve known her. She wrote me a fucking song, for Christ's sake. I both need and want to do something to show Avery how much that song means to me. I rack my brain, trying to find the perfect thing when I get an incoming text from Avery. She’s wearing the world's largest smile while holding a tiny gray ball of fur. Both Avery and the kitten are completely infatuated with each other and that’s when I remember the promise I had made to myself all those years ago. After a bad argument with her parents, Avery ran into my arms with tears streaming down her face. I don’t remember every detail of the fight, just that she asked for a cat and they yelled at her. Seeing her tears gutted me and I vowed to myself to make her cat dreams come true.
I look at the photo she sent me again with a newfound excitement buzzing through my body. Fear quickly replaces my excitement when a text from a random number interrupts my search for the shelter’s number.
