Page 69 of Under Control
“Where are the kids?” she asked after he’d kissed her until his options were to stop or strip her naked in his kitchen. Since he knew they needed to talk, he stopped.
“I brought them back to their mom’s for the night.”
“Everything okay?”
“Yeah. I just thought it would be nice for us to have some time. To talk.”
She got very still. “Uh-oh.”
“There’s no uh-oh.” He hoped. “I just...wow. Somehow I’d pictured us having a nice quiet meal and then cuddling on the couch for this conversation.”
“We can try for that, but now I’ll probably be distracted by worrying about what’s on your mind.”
He nodded, because he understood. He should have known she’d ask about the kids and had a plan for what to say. Instead he’d told her the truth and now they were standing awkwardly in his kitchen.
“I’m in love with you, Olivia,” he said, ripping off the bandage. “I am in love with you and I need for us to talk about what our future looks like together.”
She sucked in a breath and tears shimmered in her eyes. “I’m in love with you, too. I have been for a while.”
Relief made his knees weak, and he laced his fingers through hers. If he loved her and she loved him, everything else could be figured out. Somehow.
“I want us to figure out how we’re going to work toward a future together,” he said, the words hard to force through the tightness in his throat. “You’ve become part of every aspect of my life. My kids like you. All of my friends like you. You’re a part of everything.”
“But being in the Back Bay also separates me.”
He nodded. “It’s hard. It’s one thing when we’re dating, but if we’re bringing our lives together, it’s going to get harder. The amount of time spent traveling cuts into work time and family time. I was surprised when Julia told me you’re going to go to her school because from where you are, that wrecks the day.”
“You were surprised I’m doing a favor for your daughter?”
Something in her tone set off warning bells in his head, but there was no backing out now. “A little, I guess. I know it was a hardship for you when she got sick, so... I don’t know.”
Her jaw tightened and her eyes narrowed. “A hardship? Derek, it wasn’t a hardship. It affected my schedule and that had to be dealt with, but it wasn’t ahardship. You’re making it sound like I was really put out and that you don’t think I’d be willing to do things for Isaac and Julia.”
He took a deep breath, determined to salvage this conversation. It was too important to him. “I hear you saying that, but I worry that you don’t really know how messy it can be and that it’ll be too much for you.”
“You still don’t trust me. And you don’t trust that I know what’s too much for me and what’s not.”
“It’s not just that. I’ll probably have the kids more when Amber has her baby. Especially the first couple of weeks so she doesn’t have to worry about getting them to and from school. My schedule makes that a little tough, but we’ll make it work.”
“It takes juggling, but with proper planning and scheduling, anything can be made to work.”
“But I’m hesitant to factor you into that.” He shook his head. “I shouldn’t be wondering if the person I want to be my partner in life is willing or able to help me out with my kids.”
“And I can’t believe youwouldwonder if I’d help you. There’s a difference between not being willing or able to help, and making a set plan with Amber and the kids so work can be scheduled around it.”
“Life isn’t something you can schedule in a book, Olivia. Especially in ink.”
“Mylife is. It’s worked for me pretty damn well so far. I made a plan for my life—in ink—and I’ve achieved everything I set out to do to this point.”
“Because you’re alone in that plan.” It sounded harsh, even to his own ears, but it was true.
Her lips tightened for a few seconds. “I’m not alone. Trust me, the people in my life factor very much into my plan.”
“Because they work for you. You’re still ultimately in control. And maybe there are things happening intheirlives that can complicate things, but I know how you work. Your core plan allows for that and you make sure things never spin out of control.”
“You make that sound like a bad thing.”
He pinched the bridge of his nose, trying to find the words to explain what was in his head. “I spend every day trying to maintain the slightest illusion I can control my life and I can’t. If I wrote down my plan for the next twenty-four hours, it would probably be such a mess of crossed-out things and notes and rescheduling, I wouldn’t even be able to read it. Fires refuse to be knocked down. One kid’s puking. The other one’s waiting for a ride because her mother got stuck behind an accident on the highway. Science projects forgotten until the night before. Emergency dentist appointments. Some guy I barely know gets the flu and all of a sudden I’m covering his shifts at a house a half hour away on a good day. Shit happens. There are people in my life I can’t let down and I can’t control that.”
