Page 75 of Under Control
“You’re here. He’s here. And I’ve seen the way you two keep looking at each other when the other’s not looking, so dust yourself off and pick up your sword. It’s not one-and-done, Olivia. There are always more dragons. Big dragons. Little dragons. Some breathe fire and some just hiccup little smoke rings at you, but you have to keep swinging that sword.”
As improbable as it seemed, considering her current emotional state, Olivia smiled. “You’re surprisingly romantic, in a fairy-tale kind of way.”
“For a math brain, you mean?” Jess smiled and nodded her head in the direction of Rick. “I’m married to that guy. My lifeisa romantic fairy tale.”
Then her eyes widened and she mumbled something about needing something before she practically fled in the opposite direction. And when she turned back to the crowd, she saw why.
Derek was coming toward her. Deliberately, his eyes locked on her. He was too close for her to pretend she hadn’t seen him and she had too much pride to run.
“Please dance with me,” he said and she knew she should say no. Being in his arms again might kill her. But the agony on his face seemed to tug at her soul and she held out her hand.
He didn’t lead her out onto the makeshift dance floor. He pulled her into his arms and they swayed slowly to the music. Olivia didn’t even know what the song was, the music drowned out by the pounding of her broken heart.
“I’m sorry,” he said softly against her ear, and she shivered. “This hurts so much and I’m sorry.”
“I’m sorry, too. I panicked.” She was afraid she was only going to get this one chance to explain, but it wasn’t easy to find the words. “When I hit middle school and started finding out there were a lot of things more fun than academics, my grades started slipping. I started getting in trouble and I was spiraling emotionally. My mother decided I needed to focus. She taught me how to set goals, break them down and make a plan. And from that time forward, I’ve accomplished everything I set out to do.”
“It’s obviously worked out well for you.”
“It has, and that’s why I panicked. Making a plan and sticking to it keeps me from failing to meet the goals I set for myself. For school. For my business. For my life.” She took a deep breath before getting to the hard part. “I know it seems like I pushed you away because you were getting in the way of my plan, but I figured out that my plan is flawed. My goals changed—what I want in my life changed—and I got scared. I got rigid about needing to stick to my plan because it’s saved me in the past.”
“No, you were right about me not being willing to give anything up. I was afraid for so long that it would be too hard for us to compromise that I made it into some kind of self-fulfilling prophecy. I gave up. And I...I don’t want to do this here, tonight. But please let me try again. We can talk somewhere. Your place. Anywhere.”
“But what’s changed, Derek?”
“Everything.” She watched his Adam’s apple work as he swallowed hard. “Now I know what life without you feels like and...I want to try.”
She tried so hard not to let the hope in. There was a lot between them and he’d refused to give on anything. And she was afraid she might let him in again just because she hated his pain, but she couldn’t give in.
It hurt and she still wanted him, but she wouldn’t give up everything to make herself fit in his life. They both needed to compromise and make a new life together. She wouldn’t settle for anything less.
“Please.”
The hoarse whisper broke her and she looked up at him through a shimmer of tears. “Okay. But if you’re notreallywilling to try, it’s just going to make it harder and more painful.”
“I fucked up, Olivia. Bad. And I know I hurt you. I hurt us both. I promise you I’m willing to try like hell. Tell me when and where, and I’ll be there.”
She nodded, blinking back tears. “A couple more days, maybe. Tonight was a lot. Wednesday? After work at my place?”
“I’ll be there.”
Then silence hung between them for a second. Olivia thought he might kiss her. And she wanted that. She loved kissing him. But she wouldn’t let it happen.
Then he smiled—a small smile that didn’t reach his sad eyes—and squeezed her hand before letting her go. “Goodnight, Olivia.”
“Goodnight.”
She watched him go and it hurt almost as much as walking out of his apartment had, but now there was hope, whether she wanted to let it in or not. She had until Wednesday to look at her life and what she really wanted. What she was willing to do to get it. She’d been doing it for most of her life. Identify the goal. Identify the steps necessary to achieve the goal. Make a plan for accomplishing those steps.
For the first time in her life, she was afraid it wouldn’t be enough because this time, her heart was involved and love wasn’t always reasonable.
Chapter Nineteen
“Get your fucking head in the game, Gilman.”
Derek snapped out an acknowledgment of the order and did as he was told. An active four-alarm fire wasn’t the time to mentally relive the Village Hearts benefit.
But hours later, when the fire was finally knocked down and they were repacking the trucks, the memories crept back into his mind. The way that little flare of hope had lit up her sad eyes had haunted him every night since he said goodnight.
