Page 76 of Under Control
He had one shot. If he blew it, he’d never get another chance.
And that’s how, when his shift ended, he wound up on his ex-wife’s doorstep about twenty minutes after the kids left for school.
“Are you okay?” Amber asked when she opened the door to find him standing there. Then she took in the uniform he hadn’t bothered to change out of after an early morning false alarm, and her eyes widened. “Are the kids okay?”
“They’re fine. I’m okay. I just...can we talk for a minute?”
She looked into his face for a long moment and then nodded, stepping back to let him in. “There’s a pot of coffee.”
She poured him one and then stood across the kitchen island from him. He took a few sips, letting the liquid warm him. He’d felt permanently chilled since leaving the benefit and he couldn’t shake it.
“What’s going on, Derek? Is this about you and Olivia?”
He nodded slowly, staring at the mug because it was easier than looking at her. “Was it easy for you guys?”
“For me and Jason?” She blew out a breath. “I don’t think we had to overcome some of the obstacles you guys have. He didn’t really have roots set down and I had this house. I don’t really have a career to worry about, unless you call a part-time job at the market a career.”
“So Jason was just all in on the family? There weren’t really issues?”
“I didn’t say that. Do you think Jason fell head over heels for Julia and Isaac when he first met them?” She gave him ayeah, rightlook. “He accepted them in his life because he fell in love withme. Then he got to know them and built a relationship with them, but it took time. Olivia will do the same, but it will also take time.”
“He’s a good stepfather.”
“He is. He loves those kids, but he didn’t magically appear in our lives that way. It took time and compromise, and trust on my part.”
“Trust?” He nodded. “I get that. It wasn’t easy to just trust some guy with my children.”
“I know it wasn’t. But in this case, I mean that I had to trust my gut. Or my heart, I guess. I had to trust that I wouldn’t fall in love with a guy who wouldn’t accept my kids. And you’re not afraid of Olivia hurting the kids or you wouldn’t be with her. You’re afraid of feeling like you might have to choose.”
“I would never choose anybody over my kids.”
“Whydo you feel like you have to? What is going on in your head right now, Derek?”
He shook his head, his throat feeling as if it was closed up. His eyes burned and he cleared his throat, trying to stop the emotion from bubbling to the surface, but he couldn’t hold the words back. “If I move to Olivia’s, will Isaac and Julia think I left them for her?”
“No.” She covered his hand with hers and squeezed. “Jesus, Derek. No. They wouldn’t think you left them because you wouldneverleave them and they know that. That’s not about how many minutes the car ride is. You are an amazing dad and that’s not going to change if you live on the other side of the city. Hell, that wouldn’t change if you lived on the other side of the country.”
“It’ll be harder for everybody.”
“It’ll be an adjustment. They’ll adjust.” She sighed. “I know I speak for everybody who cares about you when I say we’d all rather have you be happy over there than miserable and lonely up the street.”
“And she makes a lot of money. Her apartment is... I can’t even describe it.”
She laughed. “Confession? Her building has a website and I looked at it.”
“Can you picture the kids there?”
“Sure. The kids are going to be sprawled across the couch no matter what kind of couch it is. Isaac will be on his stomach on the floor, reading a book. Julia will sit in a chair to read and then slowly twist herself around so she’s half hanging off of it. They’ll spill things and leave fingerprints on the fridge.”
“It’s so...neat. She’s not big on clutter.”
“Enough,” she snapped. “Stop using my kids as a shield against the risk of having your heart broken.”
He opened his mouth to say something, then snapped it closed again because he wasn’t sure what to say.
“You’re hiding behind them,” she continued. “You’re using them as an excuse not to figure out some hard, maybe even scary changes in your life and that’s bullshit. They’re great kids who love you. They’ll love you here. They’ll love you there. They’ll love you any...shit. I’ve got to stop reading Dr. Seuss to this baby bump.”
He laughed, maybe for the first time in days, and she laughed with him. Then she topped off their coffees and leaned on the island again.
