Page 33 of My Trainer Neighbor
"What if I don't want to leave?"The words came out before I could stop them.
Her eyes widened."What?"
"What if I want to stay?What if I want to see where this goes?"
"You can't mean that."
"Why not?"
"Because you're not the staying type."She said it matter-of-factly, like it was just an accepted truth."You're the type who moves on when things get complicated.And this is about as complicated as it gets."
She wasn't wrong.I had a track record of running when women started wanting more than I was willing to give.But the thought of walking away from Nicole made my chest ache in ways I didn't want to examine.
"Maybe I'm tired of running," I said.
"Maybe you just think you are because the sex is good."
"The sex is fucking incredible."I stepped closer, and this time she didn't back away."But that's not why I want to stay."
"Then why?"
"Because you make me want to be the kind of man who stays.Because when you're in my arms, you're not the ice queen everyone else sees.You're soft and real and more beautiful than you know."I framed her face with my hands, forcing her to look at me."Because you're falling apart right now, and all I want to do is put you back together."
She was crying again, silent tears that tracked down her cheeks.
"I don't know how to do this," she said.
"Do what?"
"Trust someone.Need someone.Be vulnerable with someone who could destroy me."
"I won't destroy you."
"You don't know that.People always leave, Shawn.Always.My parents, Richard, everyone who's ever mattered.Why would you be different?"
Because I'm already half in love with you, I thought but didn't say.Because the thought of hurting you makes me want to punch something.Because you've gotten under my skin in ways I didn't think were possible anymore.
But the truth was, I didn't know if I'd be different.Sarah had needed more from me, and I'd failed her.Nicole needed the same thing, and I still had nothing to offer.No permanent home.No real plan.Just a borrowed apartment and a collection of freelance clients.
I was the same man Sarah had left.The same man who wasn't enough.
"Because I'm not them," I said instead, even though I wasn't sure I believed it."Because I see you, Nicole.Really see you.And what I see is worth staying for."
She searched my face like she was looking for lies, for the crack that would prove I was just like everyone else who'd let her down.
"I'm scared," she admitted.
"I know.Me too."
"What scares you?"
The question hit harder than she knew.What scared me?Everything.Falling for another driven, ambitious woman who'd realize I wasn't stable enough.Making promises I didn't know how to keep.Wanting something I'd spent five years convincing myself I didn't need.
Being left again because I wasn't enough.
"That you're right.That I'll fuck this up somehow."I brushed her tears away with my thumbs."That I'm not good enough for you.That I'll make you promises I can't keep and you'll end up hating me for it."
"I could never hate you."
